nice boys dont play rock n roll
by xrifree
Summary: AU!b/j in some god forshaken town, rocker Justin Taylor and popular jock Brian Kinney have more in common than they ever thought.Not as bad as it sounds. I hope.
1. luxemberger queen

_Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, except my good intentions. Brian, Justin and the wonderful world of QaF belong to their respective owners, blah blah blah. _

_A/N: Ok, so this was at first inspired by the movie the Runaways (no, I'm not a big Twilight fan, I just liked that one movie with Kristen Stewart.) but after awhile the story took me to a whole different place than what it started out to be. So I'm not really sure about this yet, it is a work in progress and even though it wasn't a highschool!fic in my mind at first, well you might just get that after all lol! Justin and Brian are the same age, in the early 90's, living in a small town (doesn't really matter if it's in America or Europe). Title from Guns n Roses song Nice boys._

**Nice boys don't play rock n roll**

"_It's really the worst you could ever be. A goth, gay and on smack in the worst place, Luxembourg. It's so sad.""  
Brian Molko_

"Well, will you look at 'em running? Run my ducklings, run!"

The jocks passed them by, most of them not even sparing a glance at the school weirdos.

"Quack, quack, quack" Justin yelled after them, complete with duck hand movement.

"Shut the fuck up losers!" one of the jocks yelled back at them.

"Mr. Hobbs! Get back in line right now!" the school gym teacher, a middle-aged short man with a receding hairline, and a beer belly that had probably seen better, fitter days, hurried Hobbs back to formation. The two teenagers, burst out laughing, as Hobbs gave them a loathing look and run to catch up with the others.

"Quack, quack. Daisy Duck, run, run!" Justin yelled once again, laughing.

Hobbs's look of hatred was simply indescribably hateful, I guess. He finally catched up with his last-in-line teammate, a tall brunette, who seemed to be stalling, more interested in the scene unfolding in front of him than keeping up with the rest of the team.

"Hobbs, Kinney, hurry up will you? We don't have all day!"

When the jocks finally turned around the corner Justin reached into his back pocket for his smokes. "Can you believe he's making them run all these miles on a Saturday?" he asked the other boy.

"Yeah and pass through the whole town too. Everyone has to see the heroes of this city!"

Justin snickered. "Our saviors!" He put 2 cigarettes in his mouth, lit them up, and passed one to his friend. "All this town needs is another basketball championship victory after all. All 3 of all the previous ones have made such a difference pulling us out of this shit." He added sarcastically.

"Do you think they actually have a shot winning this year?"

"Nah" Justin shaked his head no. He looked around the park they were hanging out at. Not a soul in sight. And it was the middle of the fucking day. God-damn dead city.

It was no wonder he was considered a misfit here. A rocker, with his fingernails painted black and his hair dyed (black of course, is there any other colour?), drinking, hanging out in places other than the few "in" bars, sporting eyeliner and a cheap-ass electric guitar everywhere he went, in a city where the coolest guy probably listened to duran duran? Not to mention that gay etiquette was not part of this city's agenda even in the lovely year of 1991.

"Kinney has the hots for you, you know."

Adam's voice brought him back from his musings. "Who?"

"Kinney? You know, tall, dark and handsome? Captain of the basketball team?"

"He is straight" was Justin's answer. He had already lost all interest in the subject.

"Yeah, right. You know I heard he fucked the gym teacher?"

"Mr. Garry- baldie?" Justin was disgusted.

"Ew. No. The replacer guy who was here last year, when Goribaldi went to have his "surgery"."

Justin grinned. They all knew what "surgery" meant. You' d think after 3 failed hair transplants the poor fuck would finally give up. Why he had to take a whole month leave every time he entrusted his fortune in the hands of modern science, no one knew.

"And I heard his girlfriend is actually a dyke." Justin rolled his eyes but his friend didn't seem to catch on. " They are only together for cover-up."

"Since when do you work for CNN? And anyway" he said quickly, not letting his friend respond "even if this is all true, I still don't give a crap about Kinney. If it's true then he' s just another sell-out and he's better off hanging out with the heteros if he wants to be like them so much."He stood up and reached for his still seating friend with one hand. "Lets get outta here. I'm bored."

* * *

"Mr. Taylor!"

Justin actually stopped his sketching and dignified his teacher with a look.

He was in a good mood.

"Could you do us the honor of answering the question Mr. Taylor?"

Justin smudged the sketch a bit. He probably had to add a bit more shadow to the side of the nose.

"I don't really remember it. Could you repeat it?" he asked, not taking his eyes off the paper.

The teacher took a deep breath and asked again. "We're taking about the great Gatsby, Mr. Taylor. Particularly the symbolism of the light across the water. Would you say it is a strong symbolism?"

"I guess." Justin doubted the teacher gave a fuck about his opinions on symbolism in American literature.

"What feeling would you say it conveys then?"

"Want. Great want. No…." Justin searched for the right word. "Need."

"Yearning?" Mr. Dawson guessed.

"Yes, yearning. Something so necessary that it hurts not to own it. And probably hurts just as bad after you do."

The teacher seemed to be borderline between pleased and pissed. He nodded looking closely at his student.

Just then, the bell went off.

"Don't forget your papers! They are due on Monday."

As the students began to leave the classroom, Justin closed his notebook and began putting it away.

"Could you please not put away your notebook? I'd like to see it, if you don't mind."

"Actually I do mind." The teacher eyed him wearily. Justin sighed an ok and passed it on to the older man.

"This one is pretty good" He pointed at the sketch Justin had been drawing, which in his opinion was mediocre at best. The teacher flipped the page and got absorbed into reading for a couple of minutes. "And this…This is powerful writing."

Justin looked down at the notebook. The pages were littered with small scribbles.

"It's a song I ve been working on." He said indifferently.

"A song, huh?" The teacher seemed to be interested. He looked down at the paper again. "It doesn't rhyme."

"Doesn't have to."

"No. I guess not." He flipped through the notebook some more. He seemed to be pondering something. "Justin."

"Mr. Dawson."

"You know you are one of the smartest kids in this class."

"Well, that's not much of an achievement considering who my classmates are."

Dawson grinned. "I think you are selling yourself short." Since Justin seemed more interested in his fingernails, he went on. "Have you applied to any colleges?"

"Not really. I…" he hesitated. "I can't really afford it actually." He added grudgingly.

"I'm pretty sure you can get a scholarship. If you need a tutor…"

"That won't be necessary." Justin started to back off away from the desk. "I'm not interested in college anyway. I've got other plans."

"Plans?"

"Yeah." He opened the door and smiled. No one, except his best friend (his only friend for that matter.), could ever remember seeing him smile in all his years as a high-school student, so the teacher was in shock for a second.

"I' m starting my own band."

* * *

"What took you so long?" Adam was waiting for him in the hall.

"I got the "oh-you-'re-so-smart" speech from Dawson." Justin rolled his eyes.

"Again?" Adam frowned a bit. "I really want to get one of those someday..."

Walking in this school full of losers was something Justin could never get the grip of, no matter how many years passed. Or maybe he was the loser. He successfully ignored the glares and stares of his dear schoolmates. God, graduation day was not close enough.

"So did he tell you how you are wasting your life and shit?"

"No. He asked if I needed a tutor."

"Oh. Well. He was always one of the nice ones I guess."

"I guess" Justin answered indifferently. He turned left, at which point he abruptly stopped.

There they were. The jocks, and cheerleaders and all-around boring ass people. Kinney was staring at him again. Creep.

"Hey. Where are you going? I thought we were going to my place."

"Aaaah… yeah. Sorry about that." Justin turned to his friend. "I got detention."

"Again? Fuck. Whatever. Gimme your pack."

"Excuse me?"

"Your cigarettes, idiot. You don't need them where you are going." He pointed down the hall. "You're gonna get them when you come over to my place for guitar practice."

"Cheap-ass motherfucker. " Justin murmured while searching through his back bag. He fished out his Lucky Strikes. "Maybe you could get your own, for once."

Adam snickered. "C u later."

"Yeah, whatever." Justin turned around and walked towards the group of mindless muscle-bods.

Hobbs was saying his c-u-later-s with Kinney, all the while looking at Justin disgustedly. Justin returned the compliment. It seemed like all of them were there just to talk to Kinney, cause they were all leaving now. His girlfriend gave him a long sloppy kiss (Justin was sure he was going to vomit any minute now) and they were all off, leaving Kinney behind. God, the guy didn't go anywhere without his fan club. Justin was pretty sure they even followed him to the toilet, one of his minions holding his dick so he could piss. He rolled his eyes and passed by Kinney and into the classroom. The brunette followed him inside.

* * *

"He is so weird" Brian Kinney thought.

He couldn't understand why anyone would want to be weird in this town. Why anyone would want to be different in any way.

He looked at the clock. 5 minutes had passed already. Score!...

Taylor was sitting right in front of him. Even though Brian could only see the back of his head, it wasn't difficult to imagine the other kid's bored expression. Did he have another one anyway?

Sometimes he really did hate him, like all the others did. Cause he was so snobbish and up his high horse, and he thought everyone was beneath him. He was the only gay guy in the school. Well, the only one who was out anyway. Sometimes, when Brian would hate him he'd think that he was just a disgusting faggot, like Hobbs said.

And sometimes, just sometimes, he'd imagine what it would be like if those blue eyes looked at him with something other than contempt. If things were different, and he wasn't who he was. If he actually had the courage to go up to him and say all those things he had been meaning to say since they were both 14 years old.

But he would never be so pathetic. For anyone.

* * *

"Ok, you are dismissed people. Have a good day and I hope I never have to see you in here again." The students let out a sigh of relief.

"Finally" Justin thought. He was already thinking of the song he wanted to practice today. God knew he needed all the practice he could get. Self teaching had its drawbacks. Thankfully he had Adam to help him and in the 2 years they'd been friends Justin had improved so much that he actually considered himself a pretty descent guitar player nowadays.

He got out of the classroom and started down the hall.

"Taylor."

Wow. Hell must be like fucking Alaska right now, cause there was no way Brian Kinney was actually talking to him. He turned around and looked at the other boy. He was putting up a brave face but Justin could see right through him. "Nervous much?" he thought.

"Yes?"

"Are you going to your place? Cause I thought we can walk together since I live right next door to you. You know…."

Justin stared at him.

"Or whatever." Brian said with fake bravado and was just about to leave when Justin said "Actually, I'm going to Adam's place. It's the same way." and started walking towards the exit.

Brian followed him outside taking a deep breath.

* * *

They were walking down the empty street. It was a quiet afternoon. Beautiful, someone might say.

Justin hated it.

Another empty street… When would he finally be in a live, buzzing city? Maybe New York or London or Tokyo. All great bands have a big ass concert in Japan anyways. It is tradition.

He looked sideways at the boy walking beside him. They had been schoolmates and neighbors since they were kids. Justin could even remember a time or two they had played together when they were 10 or something. But what did he know about Kinney, really? Sure, he was the team captain and he was with the most popular girl in school (who was a stuck up bitch of course.) But other than that, Kinney kept so much to himself, despite his many friends, that he was probably a bigger mystery for this school than Justin was.

Was Adam right? Was Kinney really in the closet? He needed someone to pull him out... And he thought Justin was the guy for the job…? Well fuck him. Justin was tired of every guy coming out of the closet in this school hitting on him, somehow figuring just because they were both gay it was obligatory they were fuck buddies or friends or something. If Justin had actually slept with all those guys he would have probably fucked half the football and one quarter of the basketball team by now.

"Ok let's not get ahead of myself here." Justin thought. "He's probably high or something"

"Why are you looking at me funny?" Brian asked.

"No reason" Justin focused on his feet again. Nope, no sign of dilation of the pupils or red eyes. "Is your mouth dry?"

"What? No!" Brian's mouth was definitely dry right now, but what the fuck was Taylor talking about?

Justin looked at him exasperated. "Are you high?" he finally asked.

Brian was dumbfounded. Justin had to be joking. But the serious expression on the other boy's face told him otherwise.

"No…" He finally said.

"Oh." Justin seemed disappointed.

They continued walking, not speaking.

"So…" Justin turned to Brian once again "you don't have anything on you? Like, not even pot?"

"No…"

"Ok." Justin looked at his feet again. "Too bad."

* * *

How come Brian had never noticed the walk home was so long? And he was pretty sure it wasn't such a climb before, but rather mostly a downwards road. But it had to be. Why else would his hands be sweaty?

Justin was right beside him. He was apparently not at all influenced by the rockiness of the road (and it was definitely long and windy and hard. No other explanation for it.) They were walking slowly. Too fucking slowly.

"So…um… are you coming to the game on Monday?"

Justin gave him a blank look.

"You know….basketball? End of season?"

"Oh that." Justin finally caught up. "No… I m not really into sports"

"Or they are not really into you" Brian thought, but refrained from commenting. In all their years in high school, he didn't recall one instance when Justin had actually been willing to participate in anything for gym class, outside the usual requirements. Not that he was fat or anything. He had a great body actually…

Brian cringed inwardly. He really, really shouldn't be thinking about Justin in that way. And certainly not right now.

"Well, yeah but… it is a big event. The most important of the school year." For Brian it was something even more. It was probably one of the most important moments of his life. Their big chance at winning the title that had been eluding the school's basketball team for years.

Justin just shrugged.

Brian was starting to get pissed. Figures the freak wouldn't give a shit about anything important. "It is important." He said in a dead- serious tone. "We've worked all year for this. It's our shot for the title." At Justin's apathetic look, he carried on. "Maybe if you actually did something that required team work, instead of being on your own all the time, you'd have an idea what I m talking about."

"It s just a basketball game. And what's with the personal attack anyway?"

Brian thought his ears might fall off any minute now. "People are counting on us to win!"

"I' m just saying, it's not going to change anything anyway, even if you win. And isn't it supposed to be about the fun, not the win? "

"That's the fucking scouts! This is all about winning!"

"Wow, you are so passionate about this!" Justin laughed. Brian was taken aback for a second.

Brian was pretty sure they were talking about something important a moment ago. So why had he forgot all about it? Maybe it had something to do with how warm he felt suddenly, or how everything looked brighter for a few seconds when Justin had laughed.

It was almost summer. Bright sun and everything. That was definitely it. Nothing more.

"If you want an athletic scholarship, I can see how that would be important for you. But other than that, I don't think I could do all that "team work" you are referring to alongside some of the other guys in your team. Especially Hobbs."

Justin's comment brought Brian back to the present. He felt he should defend Chris. He was supposed to be one of his best friends, after all.

Who was he kidding though? The guy was a total sleaze.

" Yeah, Chris thinks that team work is when you bust everyone's balls…"

Justin's laugh convinced Brian that he didn't need any friends, after all.

* * *

"So this is Adam's." Justin finally said.

The other boy hesitated. "ok. Well, see you Monday I guess"

"I'm not coming to the game." Justin reminded him.

"Right. See you whenever then." Brian turned around without a second glance and started walking the rest of the way to his home.

"Brian."

If anyone would have asked Justin later why he'd done it, his only answer could have been that he had no clue as to what he was thinking.

"Do you want to come in? Hang out? Adam will be excited to see someone other than me for a change."

As they were walking through the door, after having been greeted by a dumbfounded Adam, Justin figured he must be in a really crazy good mood today.

A/N: I hope the characters aren't too OC-ish. I mean, I want Justin to come off as a bit of a snob (but in a cool way), but I think he was a bit of a brat anyways, especially in the first season (Again in a very good and totally cool way!). And I hope Brian doesn't look naïve or unrealistic either, but maybe he would have been just a bit more open at that age or something? Also, I don't live in America or a big European country, so I'm not a 100% sure about some things regarding the school system so please don't hate me! Also, no offence to Duran Duran fans, jocks, um…. black hair and guyliner and to any one or anything who might be offended..

Anyways, thanks for reading ;)


	2. rock history 101

A|N: since the first chapter was sort of Justin-centric, I thought this should be a bit more about Brian and how he perceives things. Vinyaya, thank you so much for the vote of confidence. And to anyone else who reviewed, you are awesome thank you!

Chapter 2

Rock history 101

Brian was pretty sure he was in a movie. A really weird movie some delusional junkie had most likely made.

He was sitting on the floor of "creep" Adam's house, drinking beer and listening to Adam- who had quickly recovered from his surprise of seeing the school's most popular jock at his front door- and Justin fight over rock bands, which apparently, as Justin had informed him, was not a rare occurrence.

He looked around the room. It was dark, even in the middle of the day, obscured from the world by heavy blinds and had a faint odor of cigarettes- probably due to the dozens of plastic cups-slash-ashtrays that littered every flat surface. The walls were covered with posters- Brian was currently sitting under a poster of "the Runaways", some chicks he'd never heard of before. Adam was apparently obsessed with musical instruments, because Brian could see 2 acoustic guitars, a base, a set of drums and two electric guitars –one of which he knew was Justin's old, battered guitar he carried along everywhere he went- lying around. Something told him if he opened the cupboards, he'd find forgotten harmonicas.

The noise all these instruments probably made had obviously gifted Adam and Justin with super human hearing, since they were able to hear each other's arguments over the deafening sound coming from the stereo with no problem at all. Brian could only make out scattered words.

"What are we listening to?" he asked.

"Motorhead." Adam didn't even spare him a glance when he answered, just went on with whatever Justin and him were talking about. Fortunately, it appears that his debater was fluent in human desperation, since he gave Brian an apologetic look and got up to turn down the volume. Brian had never been this grateful to be able to hear his own thoughts.

"All I'm saying is, the golden years have passed. I mean, who can make better music than The Doors, Iggy Pop, Bowie, Hendrix…"

Adam abruptly cut Justin off "Ok, first of all, Iggy Pop and David Bowie are still making music." (at which point Justin murmured "they can't top what's been done" very quietly) "And just because you have a crush on Jimmy Hendrix…"

Brian was surprised to see a splash of color rushing to Justin's cheeks.

"I do not." Seeing Adam's doubtful look –and Brian's suddenly interested one- he quickly went on. "He IS the greatest guitar player of all time!"

The other two snickered. Brian was surprised with himself, with how he didn't feel uncomfortable at all with hearing about some guy crushing on another guy. In here, away from school and his everyday life, for once not surrounded by his loyal pack of friends and followers- who would have, no doubt, been cracking jokes about faggots (at best) -Justin's unspoken admittance didn't seem wrong in any way.

Everything about it felt normal almost. It wasn't some hidden sleazy thing behind closed doors. Justin's sexuality, Brian realized now, was there for the world to see because it was something that came naturally.

Brian blocked the conversation again. Truth is, he himself had done sexual things with guys. But it was just experimenting, that was all. Although he knew that most of his friends didn't have similar experiences, he didn't worry. Actually he had never once heard one of them say they had done anything like that, but everyone knew Bob had gotten a blowjob once by a tranny, and Thomas did seem extraordinarily interested in having the whole team take showers together…

The showers. He hadn't thought of Coach Nelson in a long time…

"So..." Justin turned to Brian "what do you listen to?"

Brian's mind was blank for a moment. Nevertheless, he answered with fake confidence "I like all the people you mentioned. And…" he searched his mind for a descent rock band "I like Nirvana."

Adam snarled with disgust.

"Shut the fuck up Adam." Justin rolled his eyes at his friend "Nirvana are cool" he smiled at Brian.

Brian didn't register what Adam's answer was. Justin was still looking at him.

"You know" Justin said with a conspiratory look, supposedly quiet but loud enough for Adam to hear him "when I first met him 2 years ago, he fucking loved them. Now he doesn't like them anymore because they are too mainstream."

Adam obviously didn't care to keep up with Justin's pretense because he yelled exasperated: "My fucking grandma knows "smells like teen spirit" for Christ's sake!"

Justin ignored him and just kept talking to Brian, looking at him straight in the eye "He only likes indie bands no one's ever heard of, lately."

Brian heard Adam's protest from somewhere to his right, "It is all about the alternative nowadays anyway, and there are popular alternative bands I listen to! What about The Cure, and REM and Sonic Youth and Pixies…"

Justin just kept staring at Brian. "Didn't you use to be in the school's band?"

"yes..."

"Wait a second!" Adam looked like Christmas had come 6 months earlier. "Brian Kinney was a band geek? An orch dork? A…."

"And that's exactly the reason I quit and joined the basketball team." Brian said pointing at Adam.

"You played the drums right? You were very good.."

Brian raised one questioning eyebrow.

Justin gave him a predatory look. Brian was sure he himself had used that exact same look when trying to get Lisa to have sex with him last summer. Oh shit.

"Come on" Justin lifted himself off the floor and offered his hand to Brian. "We need to practice together."

Brian looked at him like he'd grown a second head. Going to creep numero duo's place was one thing. But actually playing music with them? He'd done enough new things for one day, thank you very much.

Right on cue, Adam decided it was a good time to acknowledge Brian's presence and throw in his two cents."Yeah come on MTV child. We'll play something you already know." Adam said "like…um... Guns and Roses. You know them right?"

He couldn't believe this. These guys weren't for real! He felt as if they wanted to recruit him in a cult. "Yes, I know Guns and Roses but the thing is…"

"No man, not Guns, Axl's voice is too fucking high. I can't sing that." Justin protested, apparently not having heard a word the jock had said.

Before Adam had the time to respond Brian raised his voice just a little bit…:"Guys!"

The other two turned to him surprised. There it was, he thought. The thing that made him team captain. He never had to yell. People always knew when he was serious about something and –if they were in their right minds, knew they had to do as he said. Cause he was mostly right. "It's not happening."

"It will be fun…" Justin looked like he'd just discovered Santa wasn't real. Brian was even more taken aback than when he'd seen him smile.

"Well…" Brian started and noticed Justin's immediate change from pouty to expectant. Manipulative brat. "I don't really know how to play a lot of songs except the ones we practiced at school" he finished lamely.

Brian decided right then that Justin's look of disappointment was something he never wanted to see again.

He sighed exasperated. He took Justin's hand and got up from the couch. "Unless…"

"Unless?" Justin looked up at him hopefully.

* * *

"I cannot believe Smells Like Teen fucking Spirit was performed inside my tasteful apartment" Adam gave a loathing look at Justin "And this is all your fault. Asshole."

He just stuck his tongue out at his friend and smiled at Brian while unplugging his guitar. "You were awesome." he said truthfully.

He walked over to the couch and pulled out a cigarette from a pack lying on the floor. Brian walked over and sat next to him. Adam settled for the floor, still fuming.

Brian ventured a sideways glance at the boy sitting next to him. He looked like he was coming down from an orgasm or something, a small smile playing on his lips, his eyes closed, getting comfortable on the sofa. It was difficult to look away, really.

Till this day, Brian had no idea how he had missed playing music with other people. He still practiced occasionally in the basement by himself, but it seemed like he always had something else to do: hang with the guys, practice basketball, go out with Lisa… If he was honest with himself, he realized now that he had actually missed the fucking school band.

For fuck's sake, something was definitely wrong with him today.

"I think if Kurt Cobain saw you covering his song, he'd kill himself" Adam told Justin laughing.

Brian had no idea why he said that. He actually thought Justin was pretty good.

And definitely hotter than that greasy-haired, stoned Cobain.

But Justin didn't seem to mind since he replied laughing "Yeah, grunge took a big hit today…"

"So, how can you afford all this stuff?" Brian gestured towards the drums and guitars.

"His parents are rich" Justin said with a snigger.

"They are not. I mean, we are ok but… if you notice there aren't a lot of other things in here are there? I spent most of the money they sent me last semester- and the money I made by selling my bed- to buy those drums."

"Where are your parents?"

"Back in London."

Brian gave him a curious look. "London? You don't have an accent."

"My dad is American." Adam figured the jock had some unanswered questions, so he went on. "I came to live with him, after my parents' divorce, but last year they decided to give it another go. I didn't want to go to a different school again, so I convinced them it would be best if I stayed here. Not to mention I didn't want to leave this brat here alone" he said looking at Justin smiling. "I didn't want him to end up as another "rock n roll suicide""

Brian tried to ignore how uneasy he felt about any relation between the words Justin Taylor and suicide, and focused on what Adam had just told him. He'd always wondered about the transfer student's past. "Well, that makes more sense than some of the things I've heard about you."

"Like what?"

"Well, you know…that you escaped juvie hall and are here with a changed name, working as a hustler to pay for your cover."

Justin started laughing uncontrollably at that. Brian could feel him trembling where their thighs were touching.

* * *

"So Brian, does your girlfriend play any sports? Like hokey or anything like that?" Adam asked, looking up at him from the floor.

Fuck. Lisa. She'd have a field day if she ever found out where he was right now. If his friends were the Anti-Taylor fan club, she was their president.

"She's head cheerleader. But other than that not really, no."

Adam looked disappointed. "Is she into power-tools and stuff? Like, maybe, motorcycles?" He said with a glance at Justin.

"Not that I know of." What the fuck was going on?

"Adam, cut the crap."

"Jeez, Justin, you sure are awfully protective of our new friend here." Adam pointed out. "I don't bite"

Justin glared at him.

"I mean, I just want to get to know him better." He turned back to the jock. "It's not everyday the captain of the basketball team hangs out in my humble home. I 'd like all the information I can get."

So that was it? That was why Justin had told him to come? So they could observe him like a monkey in the zoo? Be entertained by him?

"Sure, Adam" he spit the other teen's name. "Ask anything. I'd want to know things about you too. I mean, music can't seriously be all there is to know about you. No one is that boring." Despite their civilized tones, Brian knew the gloves were coming off.

Adam let out a loud, disbelieving laugh. "Well, I wouldn't want you to leave my house without learning a couple of things. By the way, why are you in my house Brian?"

Brian hated the fucking git right now. He had absolutely no right to tell him where he should and shouldn't be. Ok maybe he did, a little, since it was his couch Brian was currently sitting on. But Justin had invited him. And Brian was sick of people telling him what to do.

He had done something he thought he'd never have the guts to do: he had talked to Justin today. Graduation was almost upon them, and if this was his last chance of ever seeing him and talking to him, then no one was going to take that away. Not Lisa, not his so-called friends and definitely not some pompous, Robert Smith- wannabe asshole from fucking England, who looked like he had no idea how soap and water worked.

Before he could answer, Justin leaned towards Adam and exclaimed "Because I invited him!"

Brian felt his chest suddenly fill with a sense of pride.

"Well, sure you did, but does he even want to be here?"

If Justin wanted him there and was fighting with his best friend over him, there was no way he was leaving. He looked Adam straight in the eye and said clearly "I'd never be somewhere I wouldn't want to be." A challenge. Try and throw me out.

Adam contemplated him silently for a second. Then his snare turned into a genuine smile.

"Great. Good to know man."

Brian was rendered speechless. He watched as Adam got up from the floor, reached for one of the acoustic guitars, sat back down and then proceeded to try out random chords, trying to find a good beat.

And then it all came back to him. The fact that just a moment ago he was so certain that this was where he wanted to be, near Justin, not in the car fucking his girlfriend in the back seat, or in the court shooting hoops, hit him like a ton of bricks.

God, he needed to splash some water on his face or something. He turned to Justin to ask where the bathroom was, but the boy was looking at anywhere but him at the moment.

"I'm going to the bathroom" He unceremoniously got up and headed towards the general direction he thought the bathroom most likely would be.

* * *

"What the hell are you doing?" Justin hissed, after Brian had left the room.

"I am playing guitar." Adam was immediately shoved hard. "Ouch. Bitch" he complained, rubbing his shoulder.

"You are the bitch." Another hard shove. "What was with the Cold War back there? And all those questions… Is she into motorcycles? Really? Are you serious? You automatically think if she is a lesbian she likes that stuff?"

"Well not automatically…"Adam said sheepishly.

"Thank God you are not THAT stupid after all, huh?" Justin snorted and looked away from him, folding his hands across his chest.

"Justin?"

"Hello?"

Since the boy seemed inclined to ignore him, Adam let the guitar down gently and sat next to him. "Oh come on! Look, now we know ok?"

"Know what exactly?"

"That he is totally into you" he said batting his eyelashes, swooshing back imaginary long hair and completing the look with a small mischevious giggle.

"When will it get through your thick skull? He-is-straight!"

Adam took advantage of having his friend's attention back, by taking the teen's left hand –thus eliminating the "I don't like you-Fuck off you subhuman you" Justin Taylor trademark stance- and talked to him as if he were several points down the IQ scale than he really was: " We both know that guy is in no way straight. If he were he would never be looking at you the way he does, even though if he realizes he does it, he will probably strangle himself with my dental floss in there" he pointed to the bathroom.

At Justin's concerned glance at the point he had indicated, Adam burst out laughing. "Jeez, you are actually worried? I didn't say he'll do it right now!"

He was subjected to the Taylor glare once again.

"Come on. Sit down." He caught his friends head and placed it on top of his lap.

"Are you crazy? Let go of my head!"

"Shut the fuck up will you?" Justin stared up at him. "I can see you like him too…" before Justin could protest he lifted his hand "and don't say you don't, that he's a sellout and blah blah blah… Cause you would have never asked a stranger to practice music with us, or yelled at me for no reason or even actually be that nice to him if you didn't. I know you better than you know yourself, see?" he touched the tip of Justin's nose.

Justin cringed, but didn't otherwise say anything.

* * *

Brian came out of the bathroom with a new air of confidence. He had made up his mind. He was leaving. There was no reason for him to stay here anyway and…

He stopped abruptly on his tracks. Justin was lying on the couch, head on top of Adam's lap, who was talking to him in a hushed voice, a sickening lovey dovey look on his face.

Brian was disgusted. That was all, really. There was no way he was jealous. He didn't do jealous. Lisa had one time said that that was one of the best advantages of being his girlfriend. He had never been jealous of her. And Justin was nothing to him, especially not his goddamn boyfriend. He was not even his friend. Adam and he could play house all they wanted.

"You are out of toilet paper." He said loudly. There. Freak. He is not even good enough for that. What if he had actually wanted to use the bathroom? Just because the guy probably thought that using toilet paper was a luxury he could avoid… Brian felt the urge to hit him. For sanitary reasons.

Two heads turned his way, surprised.

"Oh well. I probably should go buy some then."

Justin started to get up from his position so that Adam would be able to leave, but was stopped mid-movement by a hand on his chest. "No, don't get up on my account. Brian will fill in for me, wont you Brian?"

He got up, picked up his keys from the floor- where he obviously kept everything- and as he was passing by Brian to head for the door whispered a "Unless you think you will catch "gay"." Brian glared after him.

"Be right back."

Justin and Brian stared at the closing door. A moment later Brian walked over to the couch and sat down next to a suddenly paler Justin. He raised his eyebrow challengingly.

"Well?"

"What? You don't expect me to… Brian this is ridiculous. I am not a baby. I am capable of supporting my own head."

"Will you just do it already?"

* * *

"Justin"

Blue eyes looked up at him.

"Do you remember when we used to play together? When we were kids?"

Justin stared at him for a minute contemplating his answer. "Not really. I… I remember your mom though." He couldn't hide his sour expression.

Brian snorted. "Yeah, she is definitely hard to forget."

Justin moved to a sitting position for a while, to put out his cigarette and then lied down again slowly. He looked up at Brian with a mischevious grin.

"I remember when we were at your house, she always wanted us to wash our hands and say grace even when we ate, you know, snacks and staff. So one day I went to the bathroom cause we were gonna eat apples or some shit and…" he lowered his voice "I didn't wash my hands."

Brian giggled at his childish antics. "What a rebel"

"I know right?" Justin smiled back up at him. "I think I couldn't sleep that night, until after I had washed my hands five or six times."

"It's good to see she has traumatized some other kid except me and my sister."Brian looked as though he was saying it in good jest, but the bitterness in his voice told otherwise.

"Is she still…"

"Yap. Just the same. Still wants me to become a saint. Do you have fond memories of Kinney senior as well?"

Justin looked away. "I didn't see that much of your dad. I just remember this one time… You had some porcelain dolls or something like that in the living room right?"

"Ugh" Brian was revolted. "Those awful tacky things… They were religious statues. Saint John and Mary and St Nickolas and whoever else the Pope owed a favor to. I can't believe you remembered those."

"Well I remember breaking most of them."

Brian looked at him confused.

"Don't you remember? I was wearing one of my mom's tablecloths over my shoulders, like a cape?" Brian's mind flashed to a time where everything looked smaller, but nothing really looked scary.

"And I told you I could fly like Superman if I wanted to, because apparently I did not have a grasp of the laws of gravity, even at the age of ten? But you didn't believe me so…" Justin explained animatedly "I climbed up the library, on top of the shelf the statues were, so I could jump from there and fly? But the shelf broke and half of them came down with me."

"Right…"

"But, I didn't have a scratch on me, miraculously. Because of all the commotion..." Justin went on "your dad came and he was so mad."

"I remember he hated those statues. He always told my mother to get rid of them, that they were spooky."

"Well, he was mad though. I must have been shitting my pants at the moment, because I had always been a bit afraid of him, I think. So he asks "Who did this?"" Justin hesitated. "And… you took the blame. And I remember.. I remember he slapped you really hard and started yelling…" his voice died. He looked embarrassed.

Brian didn't want to look at him at the moment. He bent down and picked up the pack. He lit one of Justin's cigarettes without asking. If Justin was annoyed, he didn't say it. Exhaling softly Brian simply said "That sounds like something he'd do." He could feel Justin staring at him.

"Thank you."

Brian huffed disbelievingly and looked down at him once more. "For what? We were fucking ten."

Justin shrugged. "Just thanks."

* * *

"Adam sure takes long enough." Brian said looking down at Justin.

The other boy nodded, not really paying attention. He was concentrated on listening to the music coming from the stereo. It was much softer than what they'd been listening to before. He had his bottom lip between his teeth and his eyes were far away, like he wasn't really there. Brian studied the features he'd been looking at from afar all those years. What had he been afraid of? Why hadn't he talked to him once? He was just another person after all. He was never afraid of people. The idea that Justin was so close to him now seemed obscene.

At the top of his brow, Brian could make out that the roots of his hair were a golden color and so were a few loose strands that had escaped the home dye. He had always liked Justin's hair when they were little.

Lisa's hair was blond too, but a faded, less attractive colour. Looking back, he realized that all of his girlfriends had had blond hair.

"How come you dyed it?" he asked, taking a strand of hair between his fingers. He didn't know why he felt the need to speak so quietly.

"I don't know. I always wanted black hair. It's been so many years I don't even remember what they looked like before. Why?" Justin looked up at him expectedly. "Do you hate them?"

Brian took a second strand and twirled it. He looked at how the eyes beneath him were the most perfect shade of blue, how Justin's pale complexion looked against his dark hair. He thought of how different the other boy was compared to anyone he'd ever known, and how, when they were in school, he'd always look like he didn't belong there, as if he were from a different world.

"No. They are…you."

Justin gave him the brightest smile ever, and Brian was begging to realize that Justin could be 500 pounds, with one leg and a glass eye and he'd still think he looked great.

Shit.

Did this mean…? No it didn't. It couldn't.

But Justin was right there, just centimeters away from him. He had been looking up at him the whole time and he was not taking his eyes away. Brian figured it's now or never.

And when they finally kissed, Brian knew he'd never want to kiss a girl again in his life.

"Finally" Justin whispered. "I thought you'd never get your mind around to do it."

Brian laughed against his lips.

* * *

A\N : So…yeah….that was definitely exceptionally romantic for me. I think I'll probably have to do something really bad happen in the next chapter to make up for it… possibly.


	3. scotch shower

A/N this is sometimes Justin POV and sometimes Brian POV.

Chapter 3

**Scotch shower**

Justin Taylor could not believe he was actually making out with Brian Kinney on an old, worn out couch. The springs were poking on his back, but he didn't really care.

The absurdity of the situation made him want to laugh.

"What?" asked Brian absent mindedly, looking down at him.

"Nothing" said Justin and continued his previous ministrations. No talking. Talking was bad. There were much more interesting things to do.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered the sound of keys on a lock. Suddenly the warm weight was off him.

Wow. Justin was pretty sure he'd never seen anyone move that fast. Brian was on the other side of the sofa, looking nonchalant and relaxed in a second, no sign that he had been snogging the daylights out of him just a few moments ago.

Justin half heartedly moved to a sitting position and turned to greet Adam.

"I'm back!" said Adam cheerfully, a couple plastic bags dangling from his hands.

"We noticed" Justin answered. He really, really wanted to tell Adam to fuck off right now.

Adam ignored his snide remark. "I come bearing toilet paper and…" he jiggled the bag he was holding in his right hand "edible goods, because I know you want to pig out once again."

Justin didn't pay any attention. He turned to look at Brian, but he was looking down at his lap, going through the pages of an old copy of Kerrang! and seeming to the world to be completely enthralled with it.

Adam was not fazed by the lack of responses. He continued talking as he moved towards the kitchen to put the staff he'd bought away. Justin heard him say something about the old salesman at the minimarket hitting on him, but it was muffled by the sound of the cupboards opening and closing.

Brian was back on him in the blink of an eye. Talk about bipolar… Not that Justin was complaining. Especially not about the way Brian was kissing his neck right now.

"Do you want to meet me at the park tomorrow? Say about…7?" Brian whispered.

"Ok." He said without even thinking.

And then he was left on his own side of the couch, empty-handed. Again.

Adam was coming over to the couch, still talking about the creep sales man. He put 2 beers on the coffee table, tossed a bag of chips at Justin and sat down on the couch, effectively placing himself snugly between the two other occupants.

"So what have you guys been doing?"

He looked from one to the other.

Brian got up slowly and stretched. "Actually, I was about to leave."

"So soon?" Adam asked.

"Yap. I got some stuff to do back at the house."

"Oh. Chores, huh?" Adam scrunched up his nose, perfectly combining sympathy for Brian, disgust towards the trivial task of actually doing chores and smug pride at living on his own and not having to do anything –which was possibly the reason his apartment was a pigsty- all in one expression.

"Yeah that" Brian answered cryptically. "So, see you later" he said looking at Justin and making his way towards the door.

"Later" Justin replied.

He heard the door closing with a soft thud.

He could feel Adam radiating curiosity next to him. He was not, however going to inflict the Spanish Inquisition on himself anytime soon if he had anything to do about it. So he took the Kerrang! magazine from where Brian had left it and proceeded to pretend he was reading it when he was actually trying to ignore Adam's insistent stare.

"Weird about that sales guy right?"

Justin nodded. He knew that previous statement translated to "tell me everything now please, please." But he just kept his eyes on the magazine.

"I mean at that age, who knows if he can actually get it up."

Justin turned to page 12.

He could feel a hole being burned inside his skull from all the staring.

The article was actually kind of interesting. "What about Sound Garden hm?" he asked absentmindedly.

"What?"

Justin opened the bag of chips and popped one in his mouth.

"Sound Garden? Cornell? What do you make of them?"

Adam just kept staring. Well, if you are so good at doing something, you might as well do it all the time, Justin figured. He could feel his friend was about to burst. He just continued eating his chips.

1,2,3,4 and…..

"So, what happened? Did the basketball superstar confess his undying love for the charming outcast while I was gone?" Adam said trying to sound uninterested.

Victory. Justin was laughing his ass off in his head, he really was.

And just as he was about to confirm his friend's suspicions, he remembered Brian's reaction when they had been interrupted. The jock was obviously not OK with having anyone know they had made out.

"We got bored. He is pretty boring actually." Justin replied.

"Oh." Adam looked disappointed.

Justin felt a pang of guilt for lying to his best friend. He was not one for keeping secrets.

"Well, there are plenty of fish in the water. Wait till you see this guy Jake I met last week. He saw a photo of you I had in my backpack and said he thinks you are very hot."

Justin looked at him surprised "You have a picture of me in your backpack?"

"Yeah" Adam obviously thought that was the most natural thing in the world, so Justin didn't comment on it.

"And what is this new obsession with finding a boyfriend for me?"

Adam shrugged. "I want someone to get you off my back."

"Asshole!" was proclaimed among laughter and fake-punching, as well as a handful of potato chips being thrown, courtesy of one Justin Taylor.

"Speaking about Jake, I m going to a party tonight, at his place. He called while I was out. Wanna come?"

At his friend's questioning glance he carried on. "Out of town, of course! There's no kind of partying, that could happen in this city, that I'd be interested in."

Justin knew the kind of parties Adam liked. And he also knew if he went, they'd end up spending the whole weekend there, over a toilet bowl, puking, for the most part. But he had other plans for this weekend. So he was pleased to inform his friend he'd been spending his time at his hometown, using some excuse or other.

* * *

The park was as empty as it always was, most hours of the day. Justin made his way to the brunette head he could see moving slowly on the swing-set.

"Hey"

Brian turned his head and smiled. He got up and gave Justin a kiss on the cheek and an awkward semi-hug. "I guess that's something" Justin thought.

"Hey."

Sitting down on the swing next to the one Brian had been on, Justin pulled out a cigarette from his trusty pack in his back pocket and gestured to Brian, to see if he wanted one too. The other boy nodded and took it, sitting back down. Justin lighted his own first and extended his arm. Brian leaned in closer to light. His nervous sideways glances around the park, trying to detect if any people were there, reminded Justin why he hated dating people that were in the closet.

"There's no one here. Ever." He said, trying not to sound irritated. Brian nodded.

"I hardly ever come here anymore…" the jock replied looking around the park again. "But you hang out here all the time right? With Adam?" he added as an afterthought.

"Yeah"

Justin noticed the way he was fidgeting, clenching and unclenching his fists on his lap. Brian Kinney had a reputation as a smooth talker among the girls at their school. Probably didn't apply to the guys though.

"I never see you at Gypsy's."

Gypsy's was the name of a bar in their town,that was popular amongst teenagers. Justin couldn't understand why. It was a dump really. The only good thing about it was that the owner had no problem selling alcohol to minors, which was the reason for his financial success apparently. Justin would prefer only drinking water and lemonade for the rest of his life if that meant he'd never have to share air with the kids from his class outside of school.

"I don't really go there" he said scrunching up his nose.

"It's not that bad."

Justin shrugged. He looked down on the ground. A lonely ant was making its way among small rocks on the dried dirt. He always thought ants travelled in packs.

"Where is Adam?" Brian asked after a few minutes, breaking the silence.

"Some party out of town."

God he hated the awkward small talk. Maybe he should just leave.

"Say, do you want to go hang out at my place?"

Justin was surprised. "Your folks…?"

"They're not at home."

He didn't know what to make of that. So he just shrugged, got up and followed Brian to his home.

* * *

Brian's room was pretty blunt. Not much to look at. Justin made his way to the library. There were tons of records there. Some, he wouldn't be caught dead listening to. Others were descent enough.

He didn't comment on Brian locking the door behind them.

"Black Sabbath?"

Brian nodded.

"I didn't know you listened to that kind of stuff."

"You didn't ask."

Justin smiled. "You are just full of surprises then, right?"

Brian just shrugged, rolling his lips inside his mouth.

Justin turned back to the library, ignoring the strong urge to kiss him, just for that mischevious expression. He let his index figure travel over the backs of books, tracing the titles. Brian obviously read a lot. Another surprise. He always figured that jocks didn't actually read. Like at all. They didn't have to. They just had to play well and look good in their jockstraps.

He recognized some book titles and was pleased to find some of his personal favorites among them.

Besides the library, which was taking up most of the space in the room, he could see a drumset in one corner, a bed right next to it, and a small desk by the window. There were a lot of pictures hanging on the wall above the desk. Brian outside of school. Brian, 10 years old, in short pants, grinning toothily at the camera. Brian with his girlfriend, one arm around her shoulder. They looked good together. Like a perfect match.

Most of them were pictures of him with his friends though. Laughing, holding beers at a bar, or at the locker-rooms after practice, sweaty and exhausted. He could make out Chris Hobbs posing with some chick Justin recognized from school. He quickly took his eyes away and looked on the desk instead.

It was littered with books and notebooks. And right on top of them, was a pair of wooden brackets.

He could feel Brian's eyes on his back. He hadn't talked the whole while Justin's inspection of his room had lasted.

"So… Osbourne or Dio?" Always go with music. Safest bet.

Brian didn't seem to have a hard time deciding. "Ozzy."

"Really?"

Brian nodded and moved closer. "Absolutely."

Where had the nervous guy from the park gone? This Brian was full of confidence, his glance fixed on Justin.

"Well you obviously deserve a medal if you can make out what the fuck he is saying when he sings." Justin said in his best faux-cool voice.

Really, why was he all of a sudden a nervous wreck himself?

Brian was in front of him now.

Justin grabbed the brackets and held them between them. "I thought you didn't play anymore."

Brian smiled. "I sort of have regained my passion for it lately..."

Justin couldn't help but smile back. "Another Justin Taylor conversion success story."

Fuck. For the music part. He meant for the music part. Not the kissing guys part. Shit. Brian was bound to freak out now. "Have any good songs you'd like to share?" He quickly attempted, not giving Brian a chance to comment.

Brian pondered him silently for a second. "Actually…yeah."

He reached out and took the brackets from Justin's hands. He made his way towards the drums and sat down on the stool. After concentrating for a while, he looked up at Justin and said: "Tell me if you recognize this."

Justin was amazed at the fact the jock had no problem playing in front of him, considering just yesterday he had been so reluctant.

Brian hit the brackets together 3 times to get a beat and started banging away. He looked very much into it and set on giving a good performance.

Justin remembered that he was supposed to recognize the song, only when Brian looked up at him expectantly. He was completely distracted by how hot the jock looked playing the drums.

"No clue." Justin admitted, a bit embarrassed.

"I thought you were some kind of rock god. That includes recognizing ridiculously famous songs right?" Brian asked, trying to look all innocent. Way to twist the knife around, asshole.

"Give it one more try." Justin said.

Brian started playing again.

The beat sure was very familiar. Justin concentrated hard, trying to fill in the guitar sounds, the lyrics that were eluding him…

"Fire!" he exclaimed excited. "Hendrix!" He was jumping up and down at that point. (Adam was surely going to make fun of him for the rest of his life if he ever found that out.)

Brian laughed loudly at his antics. He had a very nice, deep laugh, Justin noticed. "You are right. Finally."

After a minute, the realization hit him. "Wait a second." Justin moved closer. He was right next to Brian now, the drumset in front of them both. "Did you just learn this?"

Brian nodded slowly. "Last night."

Justin was dumbstruck. His mind was running a thousand miles per second. Adam had mentioned yesterday that Justin had a crush on Jimmy Hendrix. Brian had heard that. And not only did he remember it, which in itself would have been surprising, but he had actually somehow found the tabs for a Hendrix song, had spent a significant amount of time practicing it, and had just performed it in front of Justin. In his house. Where he had invited him.

Was it stupid to feel ridiculously happy right now?

Justin kept looking at him, trying to find something to say. The other boy had his lip inside his mouth again. Why did he keep doing that?

So Justin did the only thing he could do. He took the brackets from Brian's hands once again, all the while thinking how much he wanted to kiss him. He leaned down, wishing with all his heart that Brian wouldn't chicken out, or turn his face away.

He didn't.

Instead he kissed him back with such fervor, pulling him closer, that Justin felt his legs giving out.

Unfortunately, he hadn't realize exactly how much his balance was willing to leave the building, until he was leaning with his whole weight on Brian, who subsequently lost his own balance, and fell backwards on the drums. They clattered on the floor, with Brian on top of them, and Justin on top of him.

"Ouch" Brian winced.

"Sorry" Justin said, not able to wipe the smile from his otherwise guilt ridden face.

His smile only widened when Brian responded "It's ok." and, firmly ignoring the cymbals rolling away, pulled him even tighter against him.

* * *

"And then Chris did a blind pass, and I was there on time to catch it and… I scored!" Brian held his hands up high, mimicking a shoot. "They didn't know what hit them.."

Justin smiled. Brian was pretty sure he had no idea what Brian had been talking about, and wasn't excited in the least. But, hell, if he could talk about The Clash for half an hour (Brian had actually measured how much time the lecture had lasted), then Brian had the right to talk about his many successful games during the season. He hated to admit though, that Justin had actually been able to pass on his excitement for The Clash- a band Brian was never too enthusiastic about- if only because he found the rocker's voice so nice and his enthusiasm charming and contagious. He was royally fucked.

"You think I am stupid don't you?" he asked. He hoped his voice didn't sound as miserable as he regrettably felt.

"No!" Justin shook his head in denial furiously. "I really don't."

Brian was pleased to find the other boy's tone quite sincere.

"I think it is great to be passionate about something. Even if it is…admitably…not something I have any knowledge of. And I have no idea what you are talking about half the time." he smiled sheepishly.

Brian nodded. That was good enough for him.

They were lying on his bed, sharing Justin's last cigarette. Why they found themselves always lying down somewhere, Brian had no idea. Since his bed was somewhat small, they didn't actually fit very well lying side by side, so Brian, in an uncharacteristic act of chivalry, had given the pillow and the top of the bed to Justin, who was sitting with his back on the headboard, and was himself occupying the bottom half of the bed.

"Maybe you should try it sometime." Justin gave him a blank look. "Basketball, I mean."

Justin scoffed. "Yeah right."

"Why not?"

"Because sports don't agree with me. One time I tied my luck at soccer. Two goals." He said holding up his hand, fingers in a v shape.

Brian sat up. "Two goals is great for your first time."

"No. You don't understand. Two goals inside MY team's goalposts. I don't know how on earth I made it out alive from there. I swear my teammates wanted to burn me on the stake."

Brian kept staring at him. "That is pretty pathetic."

"I know."

"I mean it is really, really pathetic."

"I know."

"It is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"I know, will you shut up about it? I shouldn't have said anything…" Justin looked pretty annoyed.

"Maybe basketball will be kinder with you." Brian quickly amended.

"Please…" Justin replied. "Can you picture me, wearing a basketball uniform?"

If Justin had known Brian better, he would have known that that particular smile never led to anything good. But, fortunately for Brian, he didn't. So when Brian slowly got up and made his way to his closet, Justin, surprised, exclaimed "Where are you going?"

Brian didn't answer. He kept throwing around his clothes haphazardly until he found it.

He turned back to Justin and threw him the top of his uniform. The boy wasn't kidding when he had said he didn't know anything about basket, because the top hit him right on the face.

Note to self: coordination? Not Justin Taylor's best attribute.

"What the fuck is that?" he asked, holding the jersey as if it had just come out of a shithouse. Surely, Brian knew it probably wasn't his best smelling garment.

"Put it on."

Justin looked at him, obviously very much in doubt about the jock's mental health.

"You are joking" he said, trying to reassure himself.

"Not at all."

Justin gave him a look that clearly said "I would rather have 9 inch nails go through my fingertips".

"Look, if I can endure your best friend, listening to rock music for hours AND playing the drums, while your aforementioned friend is glaring at me, you can put on a jersey." Brian reasoned with him.

Justin sighed in desperation and looked at the jersey disgustedly.

And then pulled his t-shirt over his head.

Granted, Brian hadn't really thought this through. He hadn't realized that in the slim chance Justin would actually do what he told him to, he'd have to take off his own , very black, T-shirt, to wear the red jersey.

So he wasn't prepared for the fact that his breath caught in his throat and his heart was pounding in his chest right now.

"Happy?" Justin asked a bit irritated.

"Very."

Brian took a good look at the other teen and started laughing. The jersey was many, many sizes bigger than him. It was kind of baggy to begin with, so on Justin it looked like the whole team's uniforms were put together into a single one, and then deposited on a very annoyed, grunting, eyeliner wearing rocker. He should probably take a picture or something.

"Stop laughing."

Brian tried to. Didn't work.

"You do know this means you will wear eyeliner and black clothes and shit one day right?" said Justin wickedly.

That was enough to make Brian stop laughing.

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would. And not only that." He sat up on the bed and leaned closer to Brian. "You'll wear black lipstick and a Cure t-shirt and everything."

Brian was horrified. "That would look horrible."

Justin couldn't keep his evil façade for long. He scrunched up his nose at the mental picture. "Yeah it would." He smiled. "But that doesn't mean you are off the hook." He added.

Brian would have been scared if Justin didn't look anything but intimidating at that moment.

* * *

"You really are different than what I thought you would be like." Brian said.

"Different how?"

"Well, honestly, I never thought you'd smile so much. I've never seen you smile before."

"Yeah, it kind of hurts actually."

At Brian's questioning look Justin laughed. "I'm kidding Brian."

Brian pondered him for a while. "You really should." he hesitated "Smile. More often." He added. "Why don't you?"

"There isn't that much to smile about is there?"

Justin obviously tried to sound as if he was saying it in good jest, but Brian could see that he actually meant it.

"I guess not." He nodded. There really wasn't.

Justin was silent.

"You remember how you asked me if I wanted an athletic scholarship?"

Brian had no idea why he felt the need to whisper. Justin moved closer.

"I really want one. It's my only shot at getting out of this." Out of this what? This city, this goddamned house? This fucked up situation. Away from his drunken father and his excuse of a mother.

By the way Justin was looking at him; Brian knew he didn't actually have to say what he was thinking. The other boy, just, somehow, understood.

And then he found himself kissing him again. Justin lied back down on the bed, pulling Brian on top of him.

Brian put all his frustration into that kiss, trying to give some of the burden away. And Justin took it all away.

* * *

Dealing with Brian, however fun and exciting, was like stepping over broken glass on your tiptoes. You never knew when you might slip and find yourself cut all over. So Justin was being very careful.

He let Brian take charge over most of what they were doing. He resisted the urge to grope too much and just tried to be gentle. But Brian obviously had no need to be treated like a helpless kid, because he kept surprising Justin with his boldness. Until after a while it dawned on Justin that the jock couldn't possibly be an absolute beginner at this.

Maybe the story about the coach was true?

So, building up his courage he started being bolder. Pulling Brian's shirt over his head was probably fine, since Brian didn't protest and just kept kissing him. His –actually Brian's- jersey was the next to go. Brian actually got excited over that, and moved down Justin's body for a while, but when he reached the other boy's belly button, he stopped all and every movement.

Justin took a deep breath and tried to calm his beating heart. Ok, that was enough. He couldn't really ask for more. He shouldn't.

He was surprised when Brian lifted his head and kissed him on the lips again, while pulling Justin's fly open with his right hand.

* * *

All the while they were making out, Brian just couldn't wrap his mind around how it felt to be kissing and touching Justin. How different and just mind-blowing perfect. No comparison to any girl-or guy for that matter.

So maybe he did freeze for a moment there. But he forced himself to quickly get over it, because really how stupid could he be to pass up this opportunity?

Justin was looking up at him surprised. Brian smiled.

"Have you ever…" Justin hesitated.

Brian nodded.

"With a guy?"

"No. Not really." Truth was he'd done… most of the stuff there was to do. But not all the way. He had always held back.

He thought of all the reasons why they shouldn't. He thought of his girlfriend. He thought of his mother and her minister, who always talked about how a guy fucking a guy was bound to end up in hell.

And then he looked at the want in Justin's eyes, and how he looked somehow too reluctant to actually say it.

"Do you want to..?"

He asked. He knew it probably sounded ridiculous. You don't ask that stuff Kinney. You just do them!

But Justin didn't find it ridiculous because he nodded slowly after a long minute and said in a hushed whisper "We'll go slow.", sounding like he wanted to reassure them both.

And as Brian kissed him once again and tried to think of all the reasons not to, once again, he found nothing. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to feel.

* * *

A/N So yeah, no bad stuff after all. I wanted to play with the good romantic stuff a bit more.

And yes I dreaded writing a love scene of any kind, even a somewhat subtle one like this one, and that's why it took a while for me to update.

A scotch shower is an alternatively hot and cold shower. In Greek it means a bipolar behavior, someone treating you warmly and then coldly. I'm not sure that expression exists in English…

Oh and the soccer thing…is a personal experience. Laugh away.

Hope you liked it. Reviews and suggestions are always more than welcome. Thanks for reading!


	4. believe in yesterday

A/N: If anything was mine, there would be a Queer as Folk movie. A trilogy, actually. I'm just saying...

**Chapter 4**

**Believe in yesterday.**

"Your bed is really small."

Justin wiggled around, trying to get comfortable, to prove his point.

Brian pulled him closer by the waist, fitting him between his legs. "Works fine for me."

Justin laughed. "I can see that."

"Anyway, when I get a big ass house I'll have an enormous bed. You'll see." Brian said, running his fingers through his hair. It only made Justin itch to touch it himself. So he did. Brian didn't seem to mind.

"I'll live in New York…or better yet Hollywood!"

"Aha..."

"And I'll have an expensive car too. Chicks dig that kind of stuff."

Justin didn't like the way that made his stomach clench, so he just ignored it and continued running his fingers through Brian's hair. It was a very nice rich chestnut brown and he loved it.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'll make a band."

Brian scoffed. "That's your big dream? You do know there must be a thousand wanna-be bands out there right?"

Justin shrugged. "Mine is going to be different. We will be amazing."

Brian lifted his right eyebrow "Really? What's your name going to be?"

"I don't know yet."

"Ok… do you have any songs?"

Justin fidgeted at that and made to move away, but Brian's hold on him was firm. "Not really. I mean I've written some, but they are not too great. It is supposed to be the whole band's job though, I can't decide for myself which ones are great and which ones are shit."

Brian nodded and kept looking into Justin's eyes. His lips slowly formed an all-knowing grin. "There aren't even other band-members are there?"

"Well…there is me…" Justin tried to distance himself a bit again, but he stopped before he fell off the bed "…and…Adam…"

Brian tipped Justin's head his way so they'd be face to face "And?"

"And…that's it." Justin admitted finally.

"I see" Brian said, with an annoying "I told you so" look.

"Hey." Justin finally escaped his grip, pushed up on his palms and looked down at Brian, resting his weight on his elbows. "I'll have you know that rock bands make a lot of money. Probably more than basketball players."

Brian didn't comment, just kept looking back at Justin with mirth in his eyes.

"And they work harder. How many years do you guys work? Till you are thirty?"

Brian shrugged.

"Plus I am a good singer. Ok, maybe not THAT good, but I'm getting there! And you should see my fingers. They have more calluses from the guitar strings than you have … " he searched around the room to find something that was in abundance, but didn't find anything suitable, so he just let his voice die.

Brian remained unaffected, besides the fact that he seemed to be enjoying himself way too much.

Justin punched him on the shoulder.

"What was that for?" Brian exclaimed, but it was evident in his voice he knew exactly why Justin was pissed, and he was trying hard not to laugh.

"Because you are annoying."

Brian moved to a seating position himself. "Look, if anyone in this city can do it, it's you." he said matter-of-factly.

Justin smiled "You really think so?"

"Yeah, of course…

Noone else is stupid enough to even try."

"You fucking…" Justin started to say laughing, but was cut off by Brian's mouth on his.

He moaned into the kiss and almost didn't hear the sound of the outside door opening.

"Brian? Are you home?"

The jock froze at the sound of the woman's voice. He quickly moved away from the bed and put his index figure on his lips to indicate that Justin shouldn't make a sound. He looked around the room panicked, went to the door and unlocked it and started to put his clothes on quickly. He threw the red jersey Justin's way (who was already putting on his pants) and moved quietly to the window. He reached out for their shoes and any clothes that were still on a heap on the floor and threw them out the window.

"Come on" he whispered and leapt out of the house.

Justin looked out of the window and saw Brian who was waiting for him with open arms.

He took a big breath and tried to calculate where would be the best place to land. It wasn't that high, but falling on the overfilled bins leaning on the side of the house would not be a good idea.

Brian waved for him to hurry, and already Justin could hear footsteps approaching, so he jumped. He knew all those times he'd sneaked in and out of concerts he couldn't afford would come in handy someday.

"Shhh." Brian whispered in his ear. They heard the woman come inside the room and mumble something about leaving the lights on all the time and about expensive electricity bills. She exited the room, still mumbling, and closed the door behind her.

Justin could feel Brian let out a sigh of relief. The jock looked around, but the street was empty.

Justin picked up his t-shirt from a puddle of mud on the ground. He hadn't even realized it had been raining. He picked up his shoes as well and started to put one on, but Brian took his hand and started running away from the house, so Justin run over pools of mud and water, with only one shoe on, the other dangling from his hand.

After a long time, Brian was finally satisfied with the distance between them and his house, and stopped yanking at Justin's hand.

"Shit" Justin tried to catch his breath. He felt like they'd run through the whole town in 5 minutes. He brought his hand to his chest. Yep, still alive, no heart attack.

Brian was putting on his shoes. Justin looked around and was surprised to find they were actually outside of highschool.

Great. They HAD run through the whole town after all.

"Let's go in." Brian said, moving towards the bars surrounding the school.

"What the fuck's with you and physical activity?" Justin groaned still trying to catch his breath.

"Those callused fingers don't make you any more fit, huh?"

Justin glared at him. The fucker looked like he had been magically carried there by enchanted birds or butterflies. No sweat, not even a slightly tired expression. Nothing!

Brian was looking for the best place to climb now, so Justin put on his other shoe and looked down at the black t-shirt on his hands. It was covered with mud. He'd have to settle for the red jersey then.

Brian climbed carefully and reached his hand out for Justin. He ignored it and climbed on his own- admittedly a lot less gracefully, but with his dignity intact.

He did end up falling into Brian's arms after all, but neither one commented on it.

Justin looked around the empty school yard. It seemed a lot bigger, now that there were no loud students and yelling professors around.

They made their way through the cement yard, closer to the building, so that they wouldn't be in the rain. There were barely any lights, except for the occasional car passing by. They were not visible though, because there was a line of trees on the perimeter of the school, which protected them from curious eyes. The rain was turning into a drizzle.

Justin, still breathing a bit heavily, turned to look at Brian. The boy was leaning against the wall. His eyes were closed and there was the faintest, sweetest smile on his lips. He was taking in deep breaths, as if the fresh night air tasted of freedom.

Noone could really blame Justin then, because he felt the urge to be in the jock's arms again, could they? He pushed his fingers through the hair on Brian's nape, just as Brian was circling his arms around his waist.

Justin knew this couldn't possibly last for much longer. He knew fairy-tale love stories didn't have a place in this town, and definitely not in his life. If he was in his right mind, he'd be more careful. He'd try to end it now, while everything was so perfect, and save himself the heartbreak that was surely coming his way. But he couldn't help it.

"So…um…" Brian whispered, his forehead leaning on Justin's. He seemed awkward.

"Wait. This isn't the moment when you ask me if you were any good, is it?" Justin plastered a fake terrified look on his face, although he couldn't keep from smiling.

Brian snorted. "No. I don't have to ask that. I know I was good."

"How exactly do you know that?"

Brian kept looking at him like he was being ridiculous. "So I've been told."

Justin furrowed his brow in confusion. "I thought you've never had sex with a guy before."

"That's true. But still. From the way you were acting, I'd say it was pretty clear exactly how good I am." He smiled self confident.

"Well, someone's getting cocky." Justin started to move away a little, but Brian caught him before he had the chance too.

"I'd say I was the best you've ever slept with."

Justin would have given anything to be able to deny that. But he couldn't even think clearly enough to lie. The predatory glint in Brian's eyes had him glued to the spot. So he just got on his toes and pulled Brian into a deep kiss. That would teach him who the experienced one was, around here.

* * *

They made their way home a couple of hours after midnight. Brian had mentioned he had to be at practice the next day at 6 in the morning, and Justin –although he would have very much liked to stay in the abandoned school for the whole night, if not forever- had insisted they get back so that the jock could get some sleep.

He had been waiting the whole time for Brian to freak out and run away screaming, but it wasn't happening- at least not tonight.

They reached their houses. They were right next to each other, and Justin realized that he would have probably been able to see into Brian's room from his window if he wanted to. But his drapes were mostly closed and he didn't spend that much time at home anymore anyway. He hated being there. His parents were always fighting about one thing or other, or giving _him_ a hard time. They weren't happy with anything about him really: his behavior, his hair, his clothes, nothing.

That was one of the reasons he couldn't believe this night was something other than a dream.

He whispered goodnight to Brian and started going up the stairs to his house, careful not to be too loud. And then he stopped and turned around, when he felt Brian's hand in his.

Brian was looking up at him. He moved closer and, not making a sound, captured Justin's lips with his. Justin was paralyzed. He couldn't believe Brian was kissing him in the middle of the street. Granted, it was late at night and the neighbors were most likely soundly asleep.

But that didn't change the fact Justin was starting to believe in dreams and fairytales.

* * *

Brian was sitting on the swingset. He wanted to be alone right now. He had a lot of things to think through. Everything was happening really fast. He didn't know what he was supposed to make of the situation he was in.

If he was being honest with himself, he'd admit he was starting to fall in… No. He most certainly was not. And even if he was- which surely he wasn't! – there was nothing he could do about it. He could never act on it. These last 3 days, he felt like he'd been floating on a cloud, and now he had started to fall back into reality. And it was a long way down.

He hated the terrible realization that he didn't have a right to his own life. Everything had already been laid out for him. He was supposed to go to college or play professional basketball, make loads of cash, marry a hot girl and continue the dysfunctional line of the Kinneys. That had always been his dream anyways. And here he thought he'd always been the one who made his own destiny.

What he was most reluctant to admit though, even more than the fact that he was in… that he LIKED Justin -a lot- was that he was scared shitless. Although he'd always been attracted to guys and he had had experiences with them, he'd never had to act out on it. And with Justin, who was so open about his sexuality, he felt like he'd have to, one day. The thing that frightened him the most was that he felt he'd never have the guts to.

He heard footsteps approaching and cursed his damn luck. Or lack of it thereof. He turned towards the new comer, ready to greet them and make his way toward home. At least no one was going to bother him there.

"Brian?"

Justin was surprised to see the other teen there. One day Brian doesn't step his foot on the park and the next it is his favorite place to hang out? He was pleased though. He had wanted to talk to him anyway, and it was great that he wouldn't have to wait till the next day.

Brian greeted him coldly. Justin reassured himself it was just his own insecurities again and bent down to kiss him. Brian turned his face away a little, so Justin ended up kissing his cheek instead.

He closed his eyes for a second, trying not to comment, or say something he would later regret. He sat down on the swingset slowly.

"I had the weirdest day today." He said, taking a page from Adam's book: if they are being awkward, pretend not to notice. And by all means, talk. "My parents told me and Molly they want to talk to us about "something" tonight. Pretty cryptic huh?"

Brian nodded absentmindedly. Justin was probably the last person he wanted to see right now.

Justin sighed. "So, how was your day?" he asked, as if he was obligated to. "Did anything interesting happen?"

"No."

Too many monosyllabic answers could only mean one thing. Brian was going to break the news any minute now. Justin knew how it goes: "It's not you it's me. I have a lot of things going on right now. I am not ready, or I am preoccupied with my studies, or my friends, or with my cat."

"I am hungry. Have you eaten anything?"

"No."

"Well, do you want to?"

"I am not hungry." He sounded ticked off.

Justin took a big breath. He knew this had been coming. He had been expecting for it. But now it was happening, he had no idea how to deal with it.

Brian was tapping his foot and clenching his hands again, like he'd done the first day. If the situation was different, Justin would have been feeling sorry for him. But he wasn't now. He had done everything right. He hadn't pushed him or forced him to do anything. If he was having second thoughts, that was his problem, not Justin's.

"I think I'll go get something."

"Fine. Why the fuck are you telling ME for?"

Justin breathed deeply again. Don't lose your temper. "I thought maybe you'd want something too." he explained.

"I don't. I told you." Brian said annoyed.

"Ok what is going on?"

The park was empty again. The ground was damp from yesterday's rain. Justin could feel the mud clinging on his shoes.

"What do you mean what is going on?" Brian said. He wasn't looking up, just kept staring at his feet scraping across the mud, as he was slowly moving on the swing. He hated the sound of his own voice, but he couldn't help it.

"You have been pissy the whole time I've been here." he said, lighting a cigarette and blowing the smoke out loudly, annoyed.

"I haven't."

Justin scoffed. "Ok." He looked at the cigarette between his fingertips. It was glowing in the dark, burning away. He knew they'd have a fight before it was extinguished.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No."

"You had practice today. Is that it?" Brian was still not looking at him. "Your asshole friends told you something about fags, or about me or something. And now you are chickening out."

Brian finally looked at him. "Were do you get off calling them assholes? You don't fucking know them."

Justin managed a smile. "They are assholes. And why are you even defending them? They don't know you!"

"What, and you think you know me better than they do?"

"I know things they don't. And until they find out, trust me; you don't know if they are your true friends."

Brian just kept looking at him, confused.

"Could you put out your cigarette? It is annoying. And stop acting like you are a cool know-it-all. It doesn't become you."

Justin took a big hit and exhaled slowly, just to piss him off.

"You are rude."

"Oh, _**I**_ am being rude?" he took another hit. He wanted to yell or hit something. Preferably Brian.

Brian rolled his lips inside his mouth and looked at the cigarette pointedly, as if he was offended by it. Justin put it in his mouth once again and left it hanging from his lips, returning the stare.

Brian shook his head disapprovingly and started scraping his foot across the ground again.

"What exactly did they say?"

Brian was not eager to respond.

"Fine." Justin shrugged. This was definitely going to be ugly. "Did you see Lisa too? Is she jealous her little lapdog has been doing stuff other than following her around and putting his hands up her skirt?"

"Shut the fuck up." His voice was raised.

"Now who is being rude?" Justin asked calmly. Better get this over with quickly.

"Look, stop acting jealous."

Justin laughed bitterly. "You think I am jealous?"

"I know you are. Stop it. I already have a girlfriend."

"Yeah so I've heard. She fulfills your every need too, right?"

Brian didn't respond again.

"Are you going to tell her?" Justin felt the need to keep pushing, till Brian finally snapped and told him what was on his mind.

"Tell her what?"

"About us."

"Us? There _is_ no us. We just fucked once, that is all." He insisted on not looking at him. Justin wanted to grab his chin and turn it his way.

"I think she would like to know."

There was nothing but silence for a few minutes. And then Brian got up abruptly and started pacing back and forth. He seemed to be looking for words.

"Look, it is not easy for me. I am not you." His face held a desperate expression.

"I never said you were." At least Brian was looking at him now.

"I can't just go up to her and say "Hey baby, I think I might be into guys after all". It just doesn't work that way." He was trying to make Justin understand.

Justin nodded. He kept looking at Brian, waiting for the explosion to happen. It did after a minute.

"You have nothing to lose!" Brian exclaimed. If anyone was in the park at this hour of day, he would have surely heard him. "I… I have a great life here." He carried on, careful to keep his voice lower now. He didn't know why he felt so angry. And Justin was definitely not doing anything to help the situation. The look he had been giving him the whole time, that annoying little look that said "you are such a coward. I knew you'd disappoint me." was just pissing Brian off more and more.

"I've lost plenty of things Brian. I am the school freak, all the "friends" I had when I was younger have turned their backs on me. My own father doesn't look me in the eye anymore." He was the one looking away now.

"So because you have it so bad, you have to turn me into a freak too? So that you won't have to be alone?" Brian regretted the words the moment they had left his mouth. But there was no taking them back now. .The hurt look on Justin's face lasted only for a second.

And then the cigarette fell down.

"You know..." Justin said slowly "school will be over soon. And I don't think I'll be attending any reunions in the future anyway, so I think it's safe to say we never have to see each other again."

Brian felt like the earth was being pulled away from under his feet. How the fuck had they come to this? Everything was perfect yesterday.

Justin stomped on his cigarette with malice and got up. He moved close to Brian and said, his calm exterior not changing at all "I am sorry I messed up your highschool "golden era". You can go back to your fake girlfriend and your fake friends and your fake ass life."

He started to move away, but changed his mind and came to stand in front of Brian again. "Oh, and fuck you." he added as an afterthought, casually, just like saying hello.

Brian wanted to run after him, and put his arms around him and never let him go again. But his feet were glued to the mud.

* * *

Justin was running home. He never in his life had felt such an urge to return there. It had started to rain softly again. He could feel the dampness on his face.

When he was finally on the front porch, he tried to calm down his racing heart. He fixed his clothes and his hair and dried his face, before going inside.

He was taken aback by seeing both of his parents and his sister sitting together in the living room.

He made his way to his room quickly not sparing them another glance. He had to get out of these soaked clothes. Opening the closet, he caught his reflection on the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy. Maybe it hadn't been the rain after all.

"Justin? Honey? Could you come here?"

"I'm really tired. I think I'll go to sleep." Yes. That was a good idea. He'd sleep it off. This unexplainable ache he was feeling in his chest would be a distant memory in the morning.

"We've been talking to your sister and we'd like it if you joined us."

Justin rolled his eyes. Such formalities. His parents were the waspier of WASPs. Having him as their son had probably been their worst nightmare come to life.

He checked himself in the mirror again. Good enough. He made his way to the living room and sat next to Molly. She looked like she had been crying too.

"What the fuck is going on? Why is Molly crying?"

"Watch your language please." his mother said.

"We have something important we want to talk about." his father was looking straight at him. "And we don't appreciate being stood up either. Where were you? I thought you were in your room, and when I went to call you, you were gone."

"I went for a walk."

"Can you believe this?" he turned to his wife. "We have no idea when he leaves the house anymore. He doesn't tell us anything. We might as well not even exist."

Justin hated it when his parents talked about him like he wasn't even in the room. And since when did his father even care where he was?

"I am not a kid. I don't have to inform you every time I go for a fucking walk!"

"You still…" his father started but Jennifer interrupted him.

"Craig. You promised to remain calm."

Craig Taylor, for once, stopped talking and signaled for his wife to continue speaking for them both.

Jennifer coughed once to clear her throat and tried once again. "Justin, your father and I have made some decisions. We all know things around here have been bad lately. So…" she stopped.

"So…?"

"Your father and I are getting a divorce."

Justin could feel the air leaving his lungs. Things had been shitty between them, but he never thought they'd get a divorce. It hadn't even crossed his mind. Molly started crying again. This was not happening. He was trying to let it sink in, but his mother was still talking.

"Your father will leave tonight. Molly will stay with Grandma for a while. And you'll stay with me." she smiled softly and reached out to touch his face, but Justin moved away.

"I'll stay with you. What about Molly?"

"Well…" his mother looked at her husband awkwardly "the court will decide about that later. We just thought it'd be better if she stayed with Grams for a while, till things get normal again."

Justin could feel his ears buzzing. He turned to his father "So you're just letting Mom have the weird kid, right? You are not even going to fight for me?"

"Honey…" his mother tried to get his attention again.

"Am I wrong Dad?" His father was not even looking at him. Justin had never felt like such a reject in his life. Maybe all those kids at school were right after all. Brian was right. He was a freak.

"We just think it would be best for you to stay here with me baby. You have to finish school in peace and quiet."

Justin nodded. He didn't need to hear anything else. He murmured goodnight and went to his room. When he locked the door behind him, he turned on the stereo on full blast. His parents, for once, didn't complain about the noise.

* * *

Adam POV

His phone was ringing. He had no idea where it was. It was 4 or 5 in the morning; he was piss drunk and screaming Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" at the top of his voice, along with 14 or so other drunk and high people, half of whose names he couldn't remember. Justin was so stupid for not coming. This had been a great weekend!

He got up and started searching for the cell. Technology was getting really annoying nowadays. He just hoped it wasn't his mom calling to check on him from London or something. London time was some hours ahead, right? Or some hours behind? What the fuck had he been drinking?

There it was! The cell was ringing furiously, partly hidden by the long hair of some guy sleeping right next to it, with his head on the table, drool coming out of his mouth. What was the guy's name again?

"Adam's whorehouse. How can I help you?"

He could hear soft sobs coming from the other end.

"Who is it?"

After a minute the sobs quieted down long enough for Adam to make out his name being called from the other side of the line.

"Justin?" He got over his drunkenness in a second. "Justin, what is going on?"

"Adam. Get me out of here."

* * *

A/N If you can't tell what song the title is from, we can't be friends. Just kidding. It's a Beatles song… ;) I'll say no more.

Thank you so much for the reviews and to anyone who has added this story to their story alert! Lovingsteve, sorry there wasn't more about the love scene. I couldn't stop thinking about the fight scene that would follow! InconspicuousBunny, no, it is not the same I fear. My fail level at sports is unprecedented…

Was it too melodramatic? Reviews and suggestions are more than welcome

Thanks for reading!


	5. homemakerheartbraker

A/N this is mostly about Justin except for a flashback, from when they were in the school yard, at the last chapter. (I…um… actually forgot to write that one, even though it was kind of important…so now it is a flashback lol.) and the ending of the chapter.

Flashback is in italics.

* * *

Chapter 5

**Homemaker- Heartbraker**

Justin was staring at the ceiling. The blue paint was chipping away. Everything in his room when he was younger had been blue. The walls, the drapes, the bedcovers, hell even his clothes had been blue. He guessed his mother had thought blue was the color suitable for a boy. As he got older, he had covered the walls with posters, replaced the blue drapes with deep burgundy ones and his clothes with mostly black ones of course. But the ceiling had escaped his redecorating escapade.

He laughed bitterly at his mother's feeble attempt to clearly establish a masculine gender identity for her precious little boy. He had actually thought of painting the walls hot pink once, just to piss his parents off. But he really despised pink, so he hadn't done it.

It was really out of character for trophy-wife Jennifer Taylor to be getting a divorce. Wasn't she worried what people would think? But, Justin concluded, having an openly gay son had tarnished her perfect image enough already, so that must seem like a misdemeanor to her now.

He was pretty sure his mother had been the one who had finally decided to end the marriage. Maybe Craig's sleeping around had finally got to her. Or the years they had spent fighting and nagging at each other. They had had Molly in an attempt to remain together, like having another kid would have been enough to save their rotting relationship.

Perfect housewife Taylor was out job-hunting right now. How ludicrous that sounded. She hadn't worked in years.

Maybe it was better if they did split up. Even though he didn't think the best of his mother right now, he could not deny Craig was as shitty a husband as he was a father. She really did deserve better.

Molly had resisted, crying and screaming, to go to Nana's house, so she was still here, for now. Justin could hear her sobs all night from the room next to his, and it had kept him up. He felt sorry for her. At least he was grown up, a soon-to-be adult. But she was a kid, and she wasn't able to comprehend that people don't stay together their entire lives, just because they had vowed to do just that. Their mother had tried many times to calm her down saying that they would always love her and that they were still a family. But she had failed and his sister's tantrums had been piercing his ears all night. He couldn't hear anything coming from her room now, so she must be sleeping, finally. Craig had left, and was probably at a hotel. At one point Justin had slipped unnoticed from his room and called Adam.

The hours felt like eons. It was noon, and the blinding sun was coming from the window. He had decided to pull the drapes aside today. But other than that, he hadn't really moved. He just kept staring at the ceiling, waiting for Adam. He had said he would be here by 1 o'clock but it was 1.30 already and there had been no sign of him. Justin didn't know what Adam had in mind, but his friend had told him he'd come by his house and he should just wait for him. He hated waiting.

Justin's thoughts went back to the previous night. Right before all the family drama, there had been the whole Brian related drama. Justin's stare at the ceiling turned angry. The ceiling was not offended. "The bastard", Justin thought. He couldn't believe he had started falling for the prick. Didn't he know that closeted fags were not good for him already?

What was there for him to love anyway? He was just another hot guy. With a perfect body, perfect hair, eyes that were an indistinguishable color between brown and green that made Justin want to stare at them for hours… And a nice soft laugh and a cool-and-spicy smell, and warm hands and beautiful lips… Or maybe it was the way, even though they were the same age, he felt like Brian was older, wiser sometimes, and other times he looked like a 5 year old kid who's caught with his hand in the cookie jar… Or maybe…

OK, stop it. It's not helping.

Justin huffed out in frustration. He was getting a hard on. He felt the urge to just jump out of his own window, walk the small space that separated their houses, climb up to Brian's window like he had done when they were kids, fall into Brian's arms and just put the stupid fight behind him. But Brian was probably at school right now, preparing for the big game. And he shouldn't do it anyway, even if Brian had been home. It would be stupid. Brian obviously didn't want anything to do with him anymore. "And I don't want anything to do with him either!" he reminded himself sternly. Jesus, when were best friends when you need them to talk sense into you?

If he had gone though, if he had climbed up Brian's window and Brian was actually there, Justin would have kissed him immediately. Brian's arms would have gone around him, and he would have done that weird "bendy-knee" thing he did so they were face to face, even though he was a lot taller than Justin. And Justin would have passed his fingers through the other boy's hair and caressed his neck and would have moved his lips there and leave a mark. He really had wanted to leave one when they were at school 2 days before, but he was certain Brian wouldn't have appreciated having to show that to his girlfriend.

"_Justin" Brian moaned into his ear. He was sure his name had never sounded so good before._

_Instead of bringing his head up and looking at his face, Justin continued kissing Brian's neck and lower, at the boy's collarbone. _

"_What is it?" he whispered at the skin there._

_Brian didn't answer. He kept moving his palms up and down Justin's lower back and finally carefully moved them past the other teen's waistband and started caressing there instead. "Yes…" Justin thought. He felt the urge to hop up and down in excitement, right where he was seated on Brian's lap. But that would probably be no good for his raging hard on. _

_He wasn't sure how much Brian would want to do in a public place, even a deserted school yard without a soul in sight. But by the way Brian had now moved one of his hands out of Justin's jeans, only to bring it to the front and unzip the boy's fly, while the other kept groping his ass, Justin was starting to get a good idea._

"_Justin." Brian said again, trying to get his attention. Justin finally faced him, but Brian kissed him deeply before continuing. God, why did his mouth and tongue taste so good? Justin was finding it ridiculous to think of another person's mouth like that, as if it was a desert or something of the sort, but he couldn't help it. He turned questioning eyes to Brian._

"_Come to the game on Monday… Please." Brian said looking at him intently._

_Even if he did not know a lot about Brian Kinney, Justin was positive it was not a habit of his to beg for anything. It was evident by his expression, the vulnerable look he gave Justin, like his world would fall apart if Justin denied. But Justin was also sure Brian would never let that show if he did deny. _

_He nodded slowly. He had no idea how that would work. He'd probably have to seat alone at the bleachers, trying to go by unnoticed by Brian's girlfriend, feeling like a douche the whole time. But damn it, right now he'd do even that. _

_Brian smiled, a big genuine smile, and pulled him in for another kiss._

Justin huffed out in frustration again. The memory of Brian's skin and lips and eyes, of Brian inside him on the teen's small bed, was making it harder for him. Thank God they had only spent a weekend together. If this was the impact Brian had on him, only after a few encounters, what would have happened if there had been more, or if they had started a secret affair? Justin cringed at that. What an awful word, so medieval. And what it implied was even worse. What should he do then, just forget everything, indulge in Brian's secretiveness and start having random meetings with him at deserted school hallways, passionate kisses in dark alleys, behind everyone's backs?

He wouldn't go back in the closet for anyone.

* * *

Three loud knocks on the door. Justin got up quickly and raced to open it. He was greeted by an anxious Adam.

"Have you packed your stuff?" Adam said, looking nervously up and down the street.

"What?" Justin asked, as he ushered his friend inside and closed the door.

"Are your folks here?"

"No…" Justin replied still looking curiously at Adam's suspicious glances around the house, like he was expecting Justin's parents to come out from behind the couch or through the TV.

"Lets get going then! Come on!"

"Adam what are you talking about?"

"Well, leaving of course!" Adam exclaimed. "I worked it all out yesterday, after you called. Jake has this band- well it's not really a band, they just get together for some gigs sometimes- and they are going on tour and they said we can come with, if we can pay for our own food. But I figured we can play the streets for a while and maybe play a few gigs with them too. And there are gonna be tons of people who will, hopefully, like our music, even a guy from a record company at one of the gigs-can you believe this? A fucking record company! - and we will dazzle him of course and we will definitely sign a record. And…"

"Whoa! Slow down!" Justin caught him from the shoulders. He'd never seen Adam be so excited about anything. "We can't just go on tour with a group of strangers!"

"They are not strangers! Didn't you listen to what I've been saying?" Adam cried out. "It's Jake's band!"

"Who the fuck is Jake?" Justin screamed back at him.

"The guy I was talking to you about!" Adam yelled exasperated, gesturing wildly with his hands. "I spent the weekend at this party with him!"

Justin half-remembered hearing that name before. That didn't change the fact his best friend was acting like a lunatic.

Justin slowed down his breathing, trying to think. The shouting match had him breathing rapidly. Adam was still looking at him expectantly.

"Adam." He tried to reason with him. "We can't just leave."

"Why the fuck not? They are waiting for us in the car!"

"Who?"

"Jake and the guys! Will you listen to me already?" Adam started yelling again.

Justin tried to remain calm. He obviously had to be the voice of reason today. "We have school."

"School will be over in less than a month. We'll probably get our degrees anyway, and it's not like we were going to go to college anyway." Adam answered excited.

"We are underage." Justin said.

Adam laughed soundly at that. "Like that's ever stopped you from doing anything before! Besides, _**I**_'m not underage and my parents won't mind that much anyway. They'll bitch and moan, yes, but they know music is my passion. They are surprised I haven't dropped out of school already!"

"Yeah but _**I**_ _**am**_ underage!" Justin retorted.

"Barely! Isn't your birthday next month?"

Justin nodded slowly, thinking. "My parents will look for me. They'll probably send the police after me." Well, his mother would, anyway. His father would probably not give a fuck.

"So, we'll lay low for a month or two. After that, you'll be of age, and they won't be able to touch you!" Adam said enthusiastically, proud of himself for having everything worked out.

"But…" Justin tried to think of some other reason why he shouldn't do it. It would be a really shitty behavior to his mother, especially now. On the other hand, she will have one less mouth to feed, so he'd probably do her a favor… God knew she wouldn't be able to afford supporting herself, him and Molly, if she wins custody, on the meager payment she'd get from whatever job she found.

The truth was he could picture Brian laughing at him when he had said he wanted to start a band.

"Justin…" Adam finally calmed down. "You are the one who called me in the middle of the night and told me to get you out of here. Why don't you want to leave?"

"I do." He did. He really did. He always had. He hated this city, he hated the house, the neighbors that complained about music past midnight and looked at you evilly if you didn't fit the criteria of proper behavior, the school where he was a freak and an outcast, Brian for pushing him aside, for being a fucking coward…

But he couldn't stop seeing in his mind's eye Brian's red jersey, now lying at the bottom of Justin's closet, standing out from his otherwise black clothes.

"This is what we've always wished for!" Adam said, not believing that Justin was actually hesitating. "What are you going to do? Stay here and become a shoe salesman? Or even worse, a happy hetero, married to a soccer mom and raising a bunch of kids? You are meant for this! You are a natural!"

Justin didn't know what to say to that. Adam was giving him way too much credit.

Adam calmed down after a while. He sat down on the couch and sighed. "Ok. You are right. I'm too much of a dreamer, always have been. We'll stay here." He scratched the arm of the couch with the nail of his thumb, which he kept long enough to help him hit the strings, even though the nails on his other hand were short, so he could play the chords. "It would have been a failure anyway." He added, defeated.

Justin looked at his best friend. He had doomed himself to a miserable life here, just so he wouldn't leave Justin alone, instead of flipping him off and going after his dream. Their dream.

Fuck it, Justin thought. Fuck Brian and his insecurity. Fuck his own doubts. This was probably the opportunity of a lifetime. He wouldn't just pass it by.

"We'll go. Just help get my stuff."

* * *

"Do you really need that?" Adam asked, indicating to a sketchpad Justin was packing. It was the fifth one, and the duffel bag was already full.

"Yes, I do" Justin would not be caught dead without enough drawing material, and God only knew when they'd get enough money to spend on another sketchpad when they'll be playing the fucking streets.

He looked at the clock on the wall. Brian must be playing right now… Was he winning?

"Hurry up, will you?" Adam asked, nervous as hell. He looked outside the window and signaled for the guys waiting there in a caravan truck to wait some more.

Justin followed his line of vision. There were 3 guys there, one pacing about impatiently, the other one smoking and the third one using a pair of brackets to play a beat -that sounded pretty familiar to Justin- on the side of the car. The one who was walking around to kill his time, a handsome brunette with long hair and a beard, stopped pacing and smiled at Justin.

Justin waved at him hurriedly and returned to his packing. Just as he was about to tell Adam he was ready, he thought of the red jersey. He walked over to the closet and got it out. How ironic. The jersey was the only thing about Brian coming out of the closet today.

He looked down at it and started contemplating what to do with it. Should he just leave it here, to be discarded along with all the other unwanted clothes?

Just before Adam turned away from the window and back at him, Justin squished the red jersey into his duffel bag.

"Ready?" asked Adam.

"Yep"

"Finally!" Adam exclaimed, turning his gaze to the heavens. "I swear you take more time than any one I have ever known in my entire life!"

"Stop being dramatic." He hadn't taken more than 10 minutes.

Justin slang the guitar case on his right shoulder and the duffel bag on the left. They started moving towards the exit, but Justin heard a door creaking open and stopped dead on his tracks. Molly.

"Are you really leaving?" his little sister looked up at him.

"Awkward…" Adam whispered. And with an uncharacteristic example of tact he said "Excuse me…I'll wait outside." and went out the door.

Justin felt like the biggest asshole in the world. He was leaving a 10-year-old cope with the court madness all by herself?

"Yes Mollusk." He answered. He couldn't lie.

"Do you hate me?" she asked after a couple of minutes, her lower lip trembling and her eyes starting to get wet.

"What? Why would you say that?" he asked incredulous. He let the bag fall to the ground and sat on his knees so that he was more face-to-face with her.

"Because Dad loves me more then he loves you." She sounded embarrassed.

"Molly…" he started.

"I don't love him Justin! I swear!" she said, sticking out her chin defiantly. The little warrior princess.

"Yes you do." Justin said calmly.

"Well, I love you more." She said and now the tears started to fall from her eyes.

He caught them before they finished the trip down her cheeks. "I love you too Molly."

She gave him a brilliant smile, although her eyes were teary still.

"I'm not mad at you. I just have to do that…" he stopped. He knew he was being selfish when it came to Molly. He shouldn't leave her alone. But he shouldn't leave his own life in second gear either. It's not like he was a great big brother anyway. He never let her get in his room, and always fought with her over the TV remote and the last cereal left on the box…

"Tell you what." He said. "I'll write you all the time. I swear. And you can have my room now."

"Your room? Really?"

"Yeah."

Molly jumped up and down in excitement, all tears already forgotten. Little shit.

He kissed her cheek and made his way outside. He was going to miss her.

After a quick hello, they hoped into the truck. Justin, curious still, turned to the guy who had been banging the brackets on the car door – Steve- and asked him what was the song he had been playing.

"Oh that." Steve shrugged. "Fire. Jimmy Hendrix."

* * *

There were just a few seconds left on the game. Brian lifted his arms and prayed to the God his mother always talked about, but he didn't believe in. He let the ball leave his fingers and then…

He heard the applause from the crowd, the eruption of cheers, and felt the pats on his back and the hugs from his team mates. He had scored at the last minute and won the game. He was the hero of the school, the city probably.

Something was missing though. He looked around for it, desperate to find it among the crowd. A small head, hair blond, but dyed black for many years now, and blue eyes, inviting only for him and no one else. But it wasn't there.

He felt, more then saw Lisa hug him and pull him down for a deep kiss. A winner's kiss.

Only problem was, he wanted another blond to be hugging and kissing him. And he'd never felt so much like a loser.

* * *

A/N: I am tempted to leave it at that but… naaah.

Lupin III, that is an awesome idea! But I kind of have figured out the ending… Although your idea is actually better I fear…

Oh and I have to say thank you to Vinvaya, cause on a previous chapter she had suggested the sexual identity crisis idea, and I've totally been milking that idea ever since.

I'm not really sure when Justin's birthday is, so I made it up to fit the story. Also, I'm not sure if I should change the rating... I mean there isnt actual sex described in this fic but... I dunno...

tittle is from the Placebo song **2468 **(I know, it's after 1991... but it's good!)

Thanks for reading :)

Reviews are love!


	6. kept in a jar,happy

A/N: Oh my god, it's been 9 days since I updated? I am so sorry! Hope someone is actually still interested in this story…

Disclaimer: once again, nothing is mine.

**Chapter 6**

**Kept in a jar, happy.**

Adam started the engine. Justin was in the back of the truck with the rest of them. None wanted to sit inside the truck, as it was a hot day. So they all crammed on the open back, among Adam's drum set and guitars. Justin knew his friend would have rather lost a limb than leave those behind.

"So, how old are you?" one of the guys asked. He was a bit chubby, with long brown hair, caught in a pony tail.

"17" Justin replied.

"Shit." The guy laughed. "A little young to be on the fucking road ain't you?"

Justin shrugged. He looked at the other guy on his left, who was now smoking, and gestured for him to let him borrow a cigarette. The guy got his pack back out his pocket and gave one to Justin. "I'm Jake by the way." he introduced himself, looking Justin up and down.

Justin knew that look. It was the "I so want to fuck you" look. And even though he didn't usually like it when people were that obvious with him about that, 5 minutes after having met him, he didn't particularly mind this time. The guy was super hot after all.

"Justin." he said, staring back at him.

Jake smiled. "I know." He looked around at the others. "Well, this is Liam" he gestured towards the other long-haired guy, the one with the ponytail, who nodded and exclaimed "Damn right!", and then towards the guy that had been beating the brackets "and you've met Steve."

Justin nodded. "Yeah, at some party last summer I think." he didn't remember much about Steve, the dirty-blond haired drummer, other that he hadn't particularly liked meeting him. But, if Adam had no problem with him, he didn't mind. Maybe he had been wrong.

"So what are you guys called?" he asked around to no one in particular.

"Trip." Jake rushed to answer.

"Trip…?" Justin turned questioning eyes on him.

"Yeah. You know, like when you are tripping…" Jake said.

"He means like when you are on acid or something." Steve explained slowly. "Ever heard about that?"

"Yes, I know what tripping is… Just… a drug name? Really? Isn't that too much of a cliché?" he turned to Jake, since he had proven far friendlier than the drummer.

"What? You have a problem with that?" Steve answered instead.

Wow. They hadn't moved more than two blocks and the guy was already pissed at him?

"It is." Jake answered for him. "That's why." He smiled at Justin again. "Maybe you'll find a better one in the future."

Steve cursed under his breath but other than that didn't comment.

"And where are you guys going to perform?"

"Well, there are some parties we're going to play at first…" Jake explained. Liam started shouting "College girls baby!" and even though neither Jake nor Steve paid any attention to him, he carried on "woo"-ing and cheering, throwing in an occasional "fuck" and "yeah".

"And then we have a series of gigs at bars and places like that. We'll meet with a manager in about a month…" Jake continued. "It's going to be great, you'll see. You guys will be a great help, if you play with us."

"Or a great pain in the ass." Steve pointed out, not looking up- Liam was still cheering in the background. "They could totally fuck it up."

"They won't fuck it up." Jake said sternly. By the look Steve gave him, it was pretty obvious who was in charge here, and it sure as hell wasn't the drummer. "You've heard Adam play, he is awesome. And I'm sure Justin here will be just as good."

Steve sent a glare Justin's way but didn't protest anymore.

Justin looked at Jake, who smiled reassuredly and then returned to his smoking-and -staring –off- in- space routine, and hoped that the brunet was right. He was beginning to doubt himself, and he didn't like it one bit.

Justin looked around the city he had been born in, where he had lived all his life. A light breeze was blowing through his hair, the sun was blinding and even though he had spent most part of his staying here hating it, it actually seemed kind of beautiful to him now, in the way a 1950's middleclass neighborhood would. Kids were playing in the streets, laughing and yelling, and for the first time he felt a sense of innocence through the air, as if he knew he'd never again be in a place so clean-cut, where everything had its purpose and its place in the world. He knew he wouldn't miss it, not in a million years, but at least he could make his peace with the place now.

The sad thing was that, even though he was leaving his childhood and his family behind, the one thing he couldn't stop thinking about was Brian. In an otherwise miserable school year, the few hours they had spent together bared a whole other meaning for him. A big unspoken promise of things that could have been. Maybe next time they meet, Brian will have matured a little bit. Maybe…

But was there even going to be a next time? He was going on a hopeful adventure and he didn't know what would come his way. Who knew where he'd be tomorrow or a year from now? And Brian would probably go to college or become a successful basketball player. He'd probably end up with a bunch of kids and live miserably ever after. Because Justin knew the jock would be miserable. He knew Brian wasn't cut out to be a happy hetero family man. But, unfortunately, Brian didn't have the guts to admit it. But maybe, if they actually had the chance to meet outside of school, under different terms… If Brian somehow magically changed and Justin would not be forced to hide who he was to be with him…

He had made a fuss out of it yesterday, but now he realized it was a bit hypocritical of him to expect Brian to just immediately own up to everything, when it had taken him a lot of time and a series of unfortunate events to stand up for himself and his choices. Maybe if things had been different, Justin could have been the one that was still in the closet… Sure, Brian was a liar and a cheat and a goddamn bastard and a…

Justin took a deep breath, and calmed down again. The point he was trying to make was, Brian was indeed all those things, but maybe he wasn't supposed to give up on him just yet. Justin Taylor never gave up on anything without a fight. And in his book, he hadn't fought nearly as hard enough as he should have.

Justin took a long drag from the borrowed cigarette and in the time it took him to exhale, he had already made up his mind. Hell, since he was being so spontaneous today, he might as well do this. If worse came to worst, he'd just make a big fool of himself. He moved as close to the driver's window as he could and called out Adam's name.

"What?"

"Stop the car." Justin said while reaching for his duffel bag.

"What?" came the incredulous answer.

"Stop the car." Justin said while pulling out the red jersey.

"What the fuck are you going on about?' replied Adam, but stopped the car nonetheless.

"I'll be right back." Justin said, hoping out from the back of the truck.

The driver's door opened soundly.

"Justin, we have to hurry." Adam said looking at him sternly. The others didn't comment, but Justin could feel Jake's eyes on his back.

"I won't take long, I promise." he yelled, already running away from the truck.

In the small time he had been in the back of the truck, he hadn't realized how far they had gotten from his house. He run as fast as he could, hoping that his mother wouldn't have already returned.

When he came to stand outside the two almost identical houses- one his own, one Brian's- he rested his palms on his knees and tried to catch his breath. Brian had been right about him not being fit. He should work on that. On second thought, fuck it, he'll become a rock star. He'll just have people run **for** him or something.

He approached the side of Brian's house and tried to remember how he used to climb up the window when they were kids. It had only been a few times, but Brian's window couldn't possibly be any higher than his own anyway, and Justin had certainly done a lot of late night climbing in and out of **that** window, unbestknown to Jennifer and Craig.

Crossing his fingers, he pushed himself on top of the half-full bins and cart boxes, and then taking a leap of faith, he managed to put his palms on the windowsill and pull himself up. His heart missed a beat when he considered the possibility that Brian was older and wiser now, and knew not to leave his window open.

Nope. Just as careless as ever. The window was open!

He climbed inside the small room and immediately started looking around for a pen. When he found one, he sat on the bed and looked down at the jersey on his lap.

Now what? Should he really do this?

Brian had been an asshole. He didn't care about anything other than himself and keeping up his perfect image at school.

Justin had tried telling that to himself over and over again, ever since last night. But it hadn't changed the fact that he wanted to see Brian again. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss him or punch him, square on that pretty face of his. But he wanted to have the option, at least the possibility of one.

So, he wrote on the jersey, among the autographs of famous basketball players he'd never heard of:

_I'm going on a trip with TRIP_

_-J.T._

It was as obvious as he could be. If Brian actually cared he'd figure it out. And if he didn't, at least Justin hoped he wouldn't give it a second thought, or actually do anything about it. It was an unpleasant thought, but better than dwelling on the fact that Brian could put two and two together, and then rat him out on the cops.

There was this little voice in his head- that sounded suspiciously like Adam- that kept reminding him that Brian would not give a shit. That he, Justin, had told him to fuck off and had more or less made it clear that he didn't want to have any contact whatsoever, for the rest of their lives. And that he was only setting himself up for more heartache, from someone who most likely was not even worth it.

But, today he was giving up on more or less everything in his old life. And he really wanted to give up on his fears and insecurities as well, and throw caution to the wind. In this room, he had felt so alive, so close to Brian, swept away by –ok, what was probably teenage fantasies. God, he really should have thought this through more…

The dilemma was over when he heard noise coming from downstairs. Fuck. Why weren't Brian's parents at the game? God knew Justin's own father would be shitting himself with happiness if his son was a team captain, claiming a basketball title…

He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and, after hurriedly throwing the jersey inside Brian's closet; he made his way to the window and jumped down on the street. He felt it was a sort of closing of the circle: he had returned the jersey to its owner, hoping for the best. If Brian didn't do anything, or didn't care enough, at least Justin wouldn't have the jersey to remind him, or his lack of action making him second-guess himself. He could just be sure that he had done everything in his power, and there would be no need for regrets.

He ended up putting too much weight on his left foot, that wobbled, and he almost cried out in pain, but managed to stay silent.

He started running again, considerably slower now that his leg hurt like a motherfucker. He was regretting it already.

Jesus, what had he been thinking? Brian would just go across the country in search of him or something? And even if he did, so what? It wouldn't change the fact that Justin was utterly pissed at him.

"What's done is done now, my dear" Adam-slash-voice of conscious (that sounded a lot more British than the real Adam) sang in his head.

When he saw the real Adam, he did his best not to tell him to fuck off.

* * *

In the locker rooms, he had thought the cheers and laughs would have diminished. But it was probably worse, if that was even possible. The cheerleading squad –most cheerleaders were dating or wanted to date the guys on the team- was in the small space, along with half the school. The combination of so many people congratulating him and screaming in his ears, along with how ridiculously crowded the locker rooms were right now, made him feel borderline claustrophobic.

Here it was, the day of his long awaited triumph, and Brian would have given anything to just be alone.

Lisa was saying something enthusiastically, but he didn't pay any attention. Maybe he should just go take a shower.

He noticed Lisa's best friend- well, actually the one she had had fights over guys and clothes the least times, who he figured must be her best friend because of that- come inside the room, say something out loud- but not loud enough for him to hear- and then enjoy the attention when everyone started going near her and ask her questions.

If he hadn't heard the name Taylor, he wouldn't have moved closer and try to hear himself.

"I swear, I saw him on a truck with these guys… They looked like bums really. Two of them had that nasty long hair, and they wore baggy clothes- so out of fashion by the way. One of them tried to pick me up when I was passing by! It was so horrible!" she exclaimed and some of the girls started laughing, while others patted her back, as if she had gone through a great ordeal. Brian scoffed. Like there was one person in this school who didn't know Patty Goldberg had slept with almost everyone here.

"Anyway, the other creep…um…"

"Adam." Lisa said helpfully.

"Yeah, that guy… He was driving the truck. And there was a whole bunch of stuff in the back" Patty went on. "I really think they have left. Like, for good!"

"This day just keeps getting better!" Chris said out loud, and everyone laughed.

The people around Patty started asking more questions, and the buzzing in the room kept getting louder and louder until Mr. Garibaldi came inside the locker rooms and roared for everyone to get the fuck out and leave the team alone. A lot of people left after that, including some team members themselves, who didn't bother to change into fresh clothes.

Brian relished the significant decrease in volume. Still, it wasn't quiet enough.

Lisa smiled up at him and said "They are gone! Isn't that great news?"

Brian nodded. "Yes. Great news."

He felt like he was going to puke.

"I'll go take a shower." He said absentmindedly.

"Ok. See you in a while" Lisa smiled again. "Oh and Bri… Well done." She placed a kiss on his cheek and left.

He started moving towards the showers, when Chris said "Wait up. I'll come with."

Brian didn't acknowledge his words, just kept going straight for the showers. He took off his clothes right there, leaving them on the wet floor and stepped under a warm stream of water. His ears were still buzzing, even though there was nothing to hear in this room except the water.

Chris came to stand under the showerhead right next to his own. Brian would have told him to leave him the fuck alone, but he was too tired.

Justin had left. It was as simple as that. When he had heard it, it had sounded like a death sentence.

It still did.

Brian poured some shampoo into his hands and started rubbing it in his hair. It got into his eyes and made them prickle with pain. He didn't care.

"Man… you know you are my best friend right?" Chris said after a while.

Brian nodded half heartedly. He hadn't heard Chris say anything like that before. But he figured it was probably true, even though Brian didn't like him that much most of the time.

"Do you ever…" Chris said after a while.

Brian tried not to roll his eyes. "Do I ever what?"

"Do you ever think: "this is it"…?" Chris continued. "That it doesn't get any better than this for us? I mean…" he tried to look for words. "I'm not the smartest person I know, and I know a lot of stupid people. So it's not like I will become a success really. Just… this is it, isn't it? We will never be so popular and so cool like we were in highschool…you know?"

Brian was surprised. It must have been the most profound thing to ever come out of Chris's mouth. And he was right. Now that highschool was ending – "his golden era" Justin had called it- it felt like his life was ending, instead of beginning.

There wasn't much left to do. He'd go to college and stuff, sure. But it didn't seem nearly as important as it had a few days ago. What was there to expect? Late nights with people he didn't consider actual friends? Sex with Lisa, or whoever became his girlfriend after her? And going to gay bars to fuck with guys, always looking over his shoulder and hopping no one would recognize him?

"I know." he murmured. Chris seemed satisfied with that.

Where was Justin going? Maybe he would become a rock star, like he wanted. Brian almost smiled at that thought. Justin on stage, singing in front of a crowd, bright lights on him, smoke all around, playing guitar and headbanging… He would look so good.

And Brian would never see him.

"We had some great times here though right?"

Chris's voice brought him back to the present. He nodded in agreement again. It was the truth.

"I think my best memory will be today." Chris said, looking happier than Brian had ever seen him.

Brian did finally smile back at him. He wasn't that bad after all.

"Oh, and when we were 14." Chris added.

"Why, what happened when we were 14?" Brian asked, confused.

Chris grinned, like he had been waiting for that question. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter if anyone knows now anyway… You know the fag? Taylor?"

Brian froze.

"When we were 14…" Chris started, not bothering to hide the fact that he had wanted to tell the story for years. He had probably practiced it a few times already. "I caught him kissing Tom Underwood under the bleachers at school. Can you believe it?" He must have thought Brian's look was one of confusion, because he explained. "Tom. Don't you remember him? He's like 6 years older than us? He was home from college for Christmas back then. Anyway, Tom is cool. I mean, he explained, he's not queer or anything. He just wanted to see how far the kid would go." He grinned again, thinking about that.

Brian didn't comment. He knew that last part was bullshit. He had run on Tom Underwood countless times, and the guy was as gay as they come. He had tried to fuck Brian once last year. But Brian wouldn't have fucked a guy last year, even if he looked like James Dean. Later experience had taught him that he obviously wouldn't have had a problem if it had been Justin Taylor though.

"But I didn't care much about him anyway; he was leaving for college again." Chris said.

"What _did _you care about?" Brian asked, soaping his chest. He tried to make his voice as calm as possible, his hand as steady as they could be, his movements as natural and smooth as ever. Truth was he had a gut-clenching feeling that he couldn't shake.

He could have sworn Chris's grin just looked plain evil to him this time. He knew Chris was drawing out the story, just for the mere enjoyment of it.

"About Taylor of course… You have no idea…" Chris carried on again, pleased with himself. "I told him I'd tell everyone. He was shitting his pants!" he laughed.

Brian felt the buzzing in his ears intensify again. "And?"

"And… well… I milked it for what it was worth. I made him do my homework and give me money and stuff like that. I never had that good grades before, my mother thought I was suddenly turning into a prodigy or something." he laughed, as if not aware of what he was actually saying. That he had blackmailed another student to get him to do chores and shit for him. He didn't look evil, Brian decided. He just looked plain stupid.

"But then after a few months, it was summer, and I went on holidays. And when I came back Taylor had turned into an even bigger queer and had black nails and all that jazz, and everyone knew, so it didn't matter anymore. I didn't have anything on him." He thought about it for a while and added disappointed "And then that other fag Adam came to town, and there were two freaks now, so it just wouldn't have been the same." he laughed.

Brian gritted his teeth. Keeping his temper was very important right now. Still, he needed to know more.

"Just money and homework?" he asked.

"Yeah…" Chris answered.

Brian nodded and started turning the knobs and stepping out of the shower. He took a nearby towel and wrapped it around his waist. He was taking slow breaths, repeating in his head: "Don't do anything. Just get out of here. NOW." He knew, if he didn't leave immediately, he'd probably end up beating Hobbs up.

"Oh…" he heard Chris saying from behind him. "There was this one time, I told him to give me a blowjob. But he started crying and wining, so… It's better anyway; his mouth was probably full of STDs and AIDS."

Brian didn't even think. He had his hands around Chris's neck, squeezing for dear life, pushing him into the wall. The water came crashing down on him again. The buzzing in his ears had erupted and all he could see was red.

* * *

A/N: I'm not very sure about this chapter… I hope you don't find Justin's actions to be contradicting. I just figured, that he always tries hard to get what he wants in the series , and since Brian in this fic seems to have done a lot already (talking to him, going to Adam's and the rest) , Justin should do something particularly brave to give them a chance as well….

Oh, and was Aids called Aids or GRID in 1991? I wasn't sure…

Vinvaya, thank you for loving Adam. I love him too! lol.

And to anyone who reviews, and keeps supporting this story, thank you so much! Your reviews always make my day!

Thank you for reading and/or reviewing this chapter.

The title is taken from Nirvana song sappy:

_And if you fool yourself__  
__ You will make him happy__  
__ He'll keep you in a jar__  
__ And you'll think you're happy__  
__ He'll give you breathing holes__  
__ Then you will seem happy__  
__ You'll wallow in your shit_

_Then you'll think you're happy.__  
_


	7. the man who sold the world

A/N: ok, I know, I am a terrible, terrible person. I kept going on about not having updated in 9 days at the last chapter, and now it took me 10 days… I am sorry! I'll try updating in a weekly basis from now on.

So, before this chapter gets started I have to say a big thank you to anyone who is reading this, if you haven't given up on me and this story. And to the wonderful people who have reviewed, read and/or put this story on their story alert or favorites list…

**The man who sold the world.**

They still were on the back of the truck. They had made a brief stop at what classified as a big city around here, so that the guys could pick up their stuff. They had left it at this girl's house where they had been the night before, where that party Adam had been talking about all day had taken place. She had kissed Jake- who apparently was bisexual from what Justin had gathered- on the lips before they left, and had said she would be glad to have them all stay over again if they ever were around town.

They didn't have a lot of stuff really, besides two guitars and a base. Liam had told him they didn't even have an actual drumset until now, and Steve had had to rent one every time they played a gig, because he had sold his a long time ago. "So," Liam had said "you are doing us a bloody favor, really." Steve had not been too pleased to hear that.

Eventually, Justin was now finding himself sitting in the middle of a truck filled with musical instruments, while Jake was playing some song or other on his acoustic, and Liam was snoring contently wrapped up in some of Justin's warmer hoodies- that were obviously too small on him, but still did the trick.

The night had fallen a long time ago, and Steve had replaced Adam behind the steering wheel, while Adam was sleeping on the passenger seat. The bastard was probably all warm and cozy in there, all the while Justin was freezing his ass off in the back of the truck. But he'd take that any day, if it meant he wouldn't have to spend time alone with Steve. He had come to the conclusion that his first impression of the drummer had been the right one, because he had proved to be nothing but a negative, easy-to irritate drama queen.

He didn't want to sleep anyway. Jake's voice was very calming and the chill of the night was refreshing-if not a little too cold, considering it was almost summer already. Justin didn't want to think what they'd do in the winter.

Jake was singing The Man Who Sold The World and Justin soon found himself singing along.

The song made him think of Brian. And, hell, if that wasn't depressing, what was?

Had Brian really sold the world though? He was denying himself, Justin knew he was. Having significantly recovered from his previous angry feelings towards him, Justin could only see in Brian a scared kid, who was not ready to face himself or his feelings. Because there had been feelings involved, he knew that now. He might have been fooled for a while, but now it all seemed clear to him. And he knew that Brian must have felt _something_ when he was with him. He could tell by his eyes.

Brian should probably become a politician or an advertiser. He was such a good liar.

It was depressing to think he never got the chance to actually ask Brian in what university he wanted to go to. If he didn't become a basketball player after all.

Had he won the game? Justin really hoped he had. He hoped that Brian would find a way to make his dreams come true. Even if they were so much different than his own. And if they ever met again, years and years from now, Brian will not have "died alone a long, long time ago", but instead he will have overcome all the things that held him back now and be true to himself.

"Hey, where are you?" he heard Jake ask.

He hadn't realized the song had stopped and he had stopped singing and was staring off in space. Well, enough of that. He had done everything in his power right? Wasn't that what he had told himself today?

"I'm here." He answered.

"Good." Jake smiled. "You have a beautiful voice, you know."

Justin considered for a second the possibility that Jake was just saying that to get on his good side. The guy had been pretty obvious all day about the fact that he wanted to get in Justin's pants. But he did sound genuinely impressed now, so Justin concluded that he was being honest.

"Thank you." He said, although he knew he probably couldn't hold a candle to Jake's vocal abilities.

"Lets try something." Jake said. "This is one of our songs. When I hit the chorus, you just repeat every lyric ok?"

"OK" Justin shrugged.

Before they got to the chorus though, Justin stopped Jake. "Hey, I think I know that song." he said incredulous.

"Yeah, it's on our demo. You've probably heard it from Adam."

"You have a demo? That's awesome."

"Well… a self-funded demo…" Jake started. "That's why Steve sold his drums."

"Really?" Justin asked disbelieving. Steve didn't give him the impression of a person that would do anything for the sake of other people. He seemed to be only out for himself.

Jake caught his look. "I know what you are thinking. But he's not as bad when you get to know him better."

"_Not as bad_ doesn't sound that good either, though" Justin noted.

Jake laughed. "Shall we?"

"OK, ok." Justin said and the song started again.

After a few songs, they had started becoming more and more excited. Justin loved the songs and Jake had said that their voices sounded good together. So, as they progressed, they started getting louder and louder, until they were singing at full volume.

That is until a sleep-disheveled Liam had turned to them and said "Will you two bleeding assholes shut the fuck up please? I am trying to get some damn sleep over here."

Justin had apologized and they stopped. He liked Liam. He was very funny and welcoming –unless when you woke him up, which Justin decided to keep in mind. Only problem was, the guy obviously had some vocabulary deficiency of sort. Justin had never been a prude but honestly, every second word that came out of the guy's mouth was a curse word. At first he hadn't noticed, but after spending the whole day with him, well, he couldn't help but notice. Liam's potty mouth was one of the things that would make Justin's mother blush and stutter.

He loved it.

Jake was silently smoking, the breeze blowing through his long hair. "Have I mentioned he is hot?" Justin thought. Maybe fucking him would not be a bad idea.

He felt a sense of dread when he realized he probably wouldn't do it though, at least not somewhere in the near future. And the dreadful feeling came mostly from the fact that he knew he wouldn't fuck Jake because he couldn't stop thinking about _Brian_. And that was pretty upsetting.

"So…um…" he turned to Jake, who looked at him interested. "Does Liam have Turette's?"

Jake laughed out loud at that.

* * *

"Fight in the lockerrooms!"

Lisa looked up from her cellphone to see an overexcited Peter Dean yelling and flailing his hands around rapidly.

Other people, a lot more interested than her, started asking questions, to which Peter replied rapidly, all the while trying to catch his breath. Lisa had never seen someone actually turn blue from lack of oxygen.

"Kinney and Hobbs are killing each other!" was what finally got her attention.

"WHAT?" she asked, getting up quickly, resulting in her dropping the cell from her lap.

"Fight. Locker…room…" was all Peter managed to say, before he finally collapsed and sat down on the bleachers.

Lisa started sprinting to the team's lockerrooms, her loyal followers after her, as well as the rest of the people who had, for one reason or other, stayed behind.

She'd never before felt so much like she could not run fast enough.

* * *

Brian could feel hands pulling at him from everywhere. He tried to break free from them, hitting anyone and anything in his reach. He'd kill that shithead Hobbs, even if it was the last thing he'd do.

The hands finally managed to pull him away and make him stay there. Hobbs was breathing rapidly, his face covered in blood, his body still partially covered in soap.

As soon as Brian was off him, Hobbs put on a brave face and started yelling insults at him, trying to act like a tough guy, although there were some actual tears on his face from the pain.

"Relax man!" someone from his right said, but Brian didn't acknowledge him. He only had eyes for Hobbs right now, and the deathglare he was sending his way could have made a lion curl in a ball and whimper.

Hobbs got a towel and covered his nudity, while people started filling the bathrooms.

"You fucking crazy psychopath! Fag!" Hobbs yelled.

Brian managed to pull away from his captors for a mere 5 seconds and roared towards Hobbs before they had a grip on him again. Hobbs's bravado flailed nonetheless, and he got behind some teammates to protect himself from Brian's wrath. From there he kept screaming insults towards Brian, a lot involving the other teen's mother, dick size, sexual orientation and mental stability.

Brian could hear the blood pumping in his ears, and his vision was blurred. He didn't even notice when Lisa, out of breath, got inside the room and called out his name.

More people started pouring in, until the bathrooms where asphyxiatingly crowded. Brian kept his eyes fixed on Hobbs.

Some guys from the team tried to make Hobbs cool down too, but he would have none of that. He kept calling Brian names, while trying to stop his nosebleed, which didn't seem to be happening any time in the future. The water from the showers was a sickening pink color now, and the noise coming from it only served to keep Brian aggravated, until someone turned it off.

"Chris what happened? What did you do?"

"What the hell do you mean what did **I **do? The goddamn lunatic doesn't need a reason!"

"Man, you must have done something!"

"I don't know, I probably insulted _his boyfriend_, Taylor!" Hobbs snarled.

Brian shouted out incomprehensible words at that and tried to get closer to Hobbs, but the hands were still firmly holding him back.

A lot of people looked at Hobbs confused, and there was silence in the room for a second, until the conversation blasted up again.

"That is ridiculous, Chris." Thom Anderson finally commented. "You can't just start telling random lies to get Kinney down." he added and most of the people around the room nodded concurring.

"LIES?" Hobbs yelled. "That is no fucking lie. He is queer. Can't you see that he cornered me in a fucking bathroom, when I was **naked**?"

"I wouldn't fuck your skinny ass even if I had to choose between you and a broken glass bottle!" Brian screamed back at him.

Thom, always the voice of reason in the team, came to stand between them and turned to Hobbs again. "We all know Kinney has a girlfriend. And anyway, he is a descent guy, he'd never do what you are saying." he said, although the people agreeing with him were fewer now, which was to be expected, considering what an asshole Brian was to most of them all the time.

"Yeah right! Let me tell you something about your hero! Do you know he fucked Mia?"

Thom turned questing eyes at him, and Brian remembered a cold night, a willing Mia, and trying to prove to himself that he was straight and the playboy everyone took him for.

"Is that true?"

All Brian could do, was tell Thom, the one person who had actually defended him and probably the only guy on the team that he generally considered to be good enough on so many levels, that he had indeed fucked his girlfriend.

The punch on his face sent him tumbling backwards.

"He slept with Morgan too! And he called Max a useless moron after practice last week!" Hobbs said, excited that his trick was working. He kept on repeating random things Brian had said to him, some truthfully, others while they were drunk and he didn't even know what the fuck he had been saying. Hobbs even added some from the top of his head and also said stuff students had said behind the other's backs, just to create general upheaval. All the while he was desperately trying to find an escape route, because from the glares Brian was sending his way, he could tell he had to leave if he wanted to have a head on his shoulders tomorrow.

So, when the coach came inside the bathrooms, he was greeted with complete and utter chaos. Guys were punching others and screaming their asses off, and a lot of catfighting and name calling had ensued.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" the coach roared, jumping up and down, his beer belly jingling, trying to get their attention. Brian would have found his rude-Santa-Clause-esque antics amusing if the circumstances were different.

After a minute- and a lot of threatening from the coach- the room was sufficiently quiet again, although the account of bleeding people was a lot greater than it had been 5 minutes ago.

"Chris attacked Brian!" Lisa said stepping up.

"_He_ attacked _me!_" Hobbs yelled exasperated.

"They attacked each other!" she said then. Brian was surprised she was defending him, after having found out he had cheated on her numerous times in the past. He tried to make sense out of that, but she was facing the other way and he couldn't see her eyes.

"And then we learned that Kinney has slept with half the school." Bob added helpfully, at which point a lot of people started laughing.

"He hasn't slept with me." Patty Goldberg declared, making doe eyes at her boyfriend.

"_Everyone_ has slept with you bitch." Lisa exclaimed.

The coach had to keep Patty from clawing Lisa's eyes out.

Brian, in the meanwhile, was still trying to break free from the people holding him back-who unfortunately hadn't taken part in the general mayhem, and were holding their ground- and kill Hobbs.

"You are dead Hobbs!" he yelled.

Chris, safe as he was standing away from Brian, laughed mockingly at that. "As if! You punch like a girl Kinney!" he said, even though his still heavily bleeding nose was evidence to the contrary.

Brian managed to escape once again and leapt towards him, and Hobbs let out a terrified whimper and tried to hide behind some cheerleaders.

The coach, Lisa and Seamus caught him before he got to Chris. "Fuck! Just let me kill him already!" he yelled exasperated.

"One more word out of you two, and you are off the team!" the coach said, infuriated. "And then say goodbye to the scholarship. I swear to god, none of you will see the inside of a campus if you keep this up! Not one person in this room!"

The crowd stirred uncomfortably at that. They all knew Coach Garibaldi was always dead-serious. And a little fucked up in the head.

"He is a raging lunatic, can't you see that?"

"Shut the fuck up Hobbs!" the coach yelled.

"Come here and say that to my face, you coward!" Brian said, but Hobbs cared too much for his precious skin to do that.

"Shut the fuck up too Kinney!" the coach turned to him. "There are scouts out there, and I will not have you two stupid school kids ruin my team's chances!"

"Like you give a flying fuck about the team!" Brian spit back. "You wouldn't sleep with Patty Goldberg if you did!" he blurted out before he could think what he was saying. Not that it wasn't the truth, but they all knew to keep their mouth shut about that. But right now, Brian was beyond the point of realizing he hadn't been so mad in his entire life. He was at the point that he'd say and do anything to get what he wanted, namely a Chris Hobbs bloody pulp.

"Jesus Christ! _Him too_?" Patty's boyfriend asked, but no one paid attention to him. They were all staring at Coach Garibaldi who was fuming like a racehorse.

"Kinney, get the fuck out! You are off the team!"

* * *

A/N: I know I probably should have been more serious about the second part of the chapter, but violence and loud teenagers just makes me giggly and somewhat humorous I guess.

Btw, I really think I should up the rating… Lots of bad language… I dunno….

The title is a David Bowie song.

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing. ;)

Every time you review, a new idea pops up in my head! And angels get their wings or something….


	8. two lost souls swimming in a fishball

A/N: ok, do I keep my promises or what? Lol. I don't think I've ever updated that fast. _Ever. _Even if it is admittably short. Could have helped if I slept a bit more though… Anyway, this is a thank you for putting up with the world's slowest updater.

**Two lost souls, swimming in a fish ball**

It wasn't until the next night that they got to play at the first party. It seemed to Justin that decades had passed. Still, it was time well-spent, since the as of yet not so famous band Trip, had introduced its newer members to the material very successfully. Adam of course knew most of their songs by heart already, and Justin was getting there too, although it would probably be a couple of days before he would be able to remember all the songs.

He was glad most of them were not mushy or too emotional, because even with all the excitement, he didn't think he'd like to be singing about heartbreak and betrayal and breaking up and stuff…It would be too close to home.

So, the addition of two more guitarists and a vocalist- who only sang back-up for now- had given a new twist to all the existing songs. They were improving and becoming more complicated, or as a very stoned Liam had said "It is growing dude…_The music is_ _growing._"

The party had been a success for the most part. Justin only played the few songs he was comfortable with and kept to back-up vocals, even though Jake had said he was welcome to sing anything he wanted by himself. Justin was not happy to find out the beginnings of what could be stage-fright starting to form when they began playing, but Adam being there and seeming so at ease, kind of made him get through it too. It wasn't that bad after the first song anyway.

Justin –fortunately in his opinion- had just been watching from afar when the bottles were thrown at the band. It wasn't a real booing or anything, just some drunken college kids being dumb, but Justin was pretty sure he would have freaked if they were thrown at him. But the guys shrugged it off and continued playing, so by the end all the clapping had erased the idiot kids from their memory.

Well, Adam did at some point take a shoe that had been thrown his way and hit the guy who had thrown it in the face with it, but other than that they had been cool about it.

Justin tried to classify the information he had gathered this far about _their -_as of now- band. Lots of punk and grunge sounds, some good old rock songs thrown in the mix too. Not overly emotional lyrics, although he knew that would change now that Adam was in the band. And his own song-writing was kind of emotional too, although he hadn't shared any songs with the other guys yet.

Jake- 23, guitar and lead vocals, bisexual, if not just sexual, cause he seemed to always have fucked some person in the crowd, whatever gender that may be. The weird-and truly amazing thing- was that none of them seemed to have sore feelings towards him for it. They just wanted him to fuck them again.

Adam was probably going to be playing lead guitar from now on, since his skills had awed everyone- well except Justin who had already known- and pretty much anything that he could get his hands on, because he seemed to be able to play any instrument that was known to man, from piano to the fucking bagpipe. "Sick Skills" Liam had nicknamed him very soon, and Justin only found it to be appropriate.

Steve, 23, was behind the drum set and Liam, 25, was playing the base. They were both as straight as they come, but were cool with 2 and a half of the band being gay, as long as there was no mention of rimming. Jake had told Justin and Adam to keep that in mind because "there are some things that straight guys just can't bear to hear."

Finally, Justin was back-up guitar and vocals, as much as Jake had been pushing him all night to sing by himself.

"You really should have sung alone." Jake was saying now, yet again.

They all had been distributed to different friendly houses for the night, and Justin had ended up sleeping next to Jake on the living room floor of a girl that had "loved their show" and thought they were "awesome, brilliant and hot!" and was pleased to have them stay over. She hadn't had sex with Jake yet- what a surprise- although by the looks she had been throwing them, she obviously hoped to change that. Or she wanted to sleep with Justin, but, well, she was in for a big disappointment if that were the case.

"I heard it the first time Jake. Not yet." said a sleepy Justin.

"Suit yourself. I'm telling you though, you could be pretty amazing."

"Yeah, especially with a bashed-in head from all the bottles and shoes." Justin replied.

Jake looked at him puzzled. "I don't think you'd get any of that. Besides, you can just apply the URDC."

"The what?"

"The Universal Rocker's Defense Code." Jake smirked. "I know, geeky right? My sister came up with it."

"You have a sister?" Justin asked.

"Three." Jake said feigning terror. "And a younger brother. You?"

"I have a little sister." Justin replied. Molly. God, he really should remember to call her tomorrow. But he was sort of scared to call, because his Mom might pick up. Maybe he should just send a letter. But would Molly even be there now? Maybe she had gone to live with their Grandmother. Justin shuddered at the thought. The woman could only talk about her cats. And she smelled a little like cat-piss, if you asked him. Poor Molly.

"So what is this code anyway?"

"Get up." Jake said.

Justin did just that.

Jake went and picked up his guitar, and pulled the strap around his neck.

"Now, try to throw something at me."

"Are you sure?" Justin hesitated.

"Yeah, take that can" Jake pointed towards an empty beer can lying around.

Justin took it and measured the weight in his palm. "You're sure?" he asked once again.

"Yeah. Give me your best shot." Jake said, getting ready.

Justin pulled his arm backwards and then threw the can across the room.

It ended up hitting Jake straight in the face.

"Are you ok?" he asked, although he couldn't keep his laughter from coming out as well. Jake had been so sure of himself, and he had ended up getting a can in the head. The sight was ridiculous at best.

Jake rubbed his brow, annoyed. "Yeah, do it again" he said, picking up the can and giving it back to Justin. "Just don't try to kill me this time. Pretend you are drunk or stoned ok?"

Justin shrugged. He pulled his arm back again, and let go of the can, with a little less force this time.

Jake, prepared now, put the guitar in front of his face, before the can had the chance to hit him. It bounced back from the guitar and went wheezing past Justin's ear and hit a nearby vase with a resounding thud.

Jake winked. "Pretty cool, huh?"

Justin's mouth was hanging open. "Yeah." He said. There was no way he was going to get a shoe in his face now. "Hey, did you hit that vase on purpose?" he asked then.

"Uh…yeah."

Justin looked on disbelieving.

"Ok, no. But it did make a great effect right?"

Justin didn't have the time to answer, because their newly awakened hostess came to the living room. "What was that sound?" she asked alarmed.

It had taken a lot of flirting from both of them, but by the time they left the next morning, she wouldn't even ever remember the small glass vase that used to be at her living room.

* * *

Going from being the most popular person in school to a complete outcast in one day, was definitely not a very pleasant experience. Brian, former team captain, hottest guy in school for some people, coolest guy by others, was officially fucked. He'd probably be lucky to finish the school year with all his limbs attached to his body.

Even the people who hadn't believed that he was "a cocksucker with Aids, who fucked the creep Taylor", as Hobbs had so delicately put it, were keen to believe he had said some awful things about them, even though he couldn't remember saying even one third of that shit Hobbs was going around school telling people, and didn't even remember most of the students' names anyway, let alone had he taken the time to talk trash about them. But, his reputation did all the work for him really. People always thought he was a prick- and he was anyway- so why not believe Chris? Now that he wasn't popular anymore, all the jealous nobodies that wouldn't even dare speak in his presence before, were now calling him names in front of his face.

Everyone that is, except Lisa. She had stuck with him, even after Brian had admitted to cheating on her. She had said it didn't matter, that she knew they didn't mean anything to him. And Brian had said so too, although he didn't apologize about it, not really. But, he guessed Lisa always understood him and that was why they had been together for 2 years now. It sure as hell was not for the sex anyway.

That brought him to the other thing that was nagging at his brain. Justin Taylor. Lisa did not mind the cheating, because she knew it didn't mean anything. And it didn't. Sex with girls had never felt completely right for him, so he didn't even think of it in terms of cheating on her whenever he had it. But sex with Justin…well that was really very different.

And not only because Justin was a guy. He'd done stuff with guys before, although he wasn't going to tell Lisa, especially now that she was his only supporter. Truth was, getting random blowjobs and hand jobs from guys, albeit a lot more pleasant hadn't felt like cheating either. It wasn't as if Lisa could magically grow a cock and a set of balls anyway. And he had never felt anything other than lust for any of them, while at the same time acknowledging that even though he wasn't in love with Lisa- never could be- he did care about her.

And now that Justin was in the picture… Well, actually, Justin had always been in the picture hadn't he? Even before he started dating Lisa. Before he even ever kissed a girl. Justin had always been there. And even though he wasn't 14 with a crush on a slightly anti-social, blond Justin anymore…. He knew that the crush had only been replaced with a bigger one, towards the even more antisocial, black-haired 17 year old Justin.

What was the use of …um… really really _liking_ someone though? Hadn't his experience taught him that being romantically- gulp – involved with someone only led to bullshit lies and someone getting screwed over? And he was clearly not the best partner, if his selfish behavior toward Lisa was at all evident.

Shit, had he just said partner?

He didn't want to be Justin's _partner _right?

No, no, no, no….

Shit. If he could just see him _one more time_…

* * *

_Lisa._

She knew she loved him. Even if they were not perfect for each other. Even if they were not meant to be and everyone thought they couldn't possibly last.

And she knew, she knew she might be in love with that girl too. A beautiful sunny morning. Waking up next to her and feeling everything was perfect, absolutely perfect just because there wasn't anything wrong with that. Nothing wrong when it felt so right. Her soft cheek just a bit away from her. But so out of reach. Feeling like every fiber of her being was inside that small cold space, the void between them. All she had to do was reach and touch her cheek. Her chestnut hair falling into her eyes. Her soft breath. A heartbeat. But she walked away.

She knew she loved Brian. Not because that was what she was supposed to do. But just because that was what she had to do, what she felt , if she stopped doing, it would cause her death. Is it possible to love someone even though your soul, your very being told you, you craved other things too? A different life? With her.

He was not an easy person to love. He was closed inside himself. He tucked himself away from the world. He didn't belong. Who did? He never let anyone in. But she knew him better than she knew herself.

He could see him staring at that boy. Even when they had just started dating and everything was new and exciting and she was blind to any fault, any small bad thing about him. She could not turn a blind eye to that. The way he looked at him from afar, told her everything she needed to know. Such longing and hurt. He looked at him the way he d never look at her. The way she needed him to.

They were alone. Inside a bubble, a fish ball of their own. Just the two of them. Against everything and everyone else. They had found each other in this mess, and all this needless fuss. The emptiness of long hours spent with other people. Meaningless conversations. Dead empty hours.

She didn't know who she was. If she was the bitch everyone thought she was. Or the perfect girl everyone saw, all blond hair and soft eyes, oozing confidence. Cold smiles. Such a good hypocrite. When she was five, her grandmother had told her she should be an actress.

She didn't know who she was, or what she was. If she should think of herself as what people defined her to be, or what they'd define her as, if she acted out on all the things that she wanted. Was there even a definition for that?

But even if she did, one day, act on all of that, even if she indulged in what she had denied herself for so long, it would never change the fact of her love for him. Her friend, her brother, her lover. How she wanted to protect him from everything. This world was out to get him.

And how she hated him for not loving her back.

* * *

Femshlash anyone? Ok, so I think it is clear that Adam is, on some level, always right about everything. And even though I liked taking up the challenge and actually writing something from Lisa's point of view, I don't think it will ever happen again because her mind is not a nice place to be honestly…

The trick with the guitar is from the movie The Runaways.

Title is from Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here

Feedback is always appreciated.

Thank you so much to everyone who reads and/or reviews. ;)


	9. Waiting with a rope around my neck

I don't own anything, and I'm not taking any money for this. Just extreme pleasure in treating Brian and Justin as my pawns.

A/N: Lets just pretend it's only been a week ok? Please?

A big thank you to Lupin 111 for her advice. Hope you like how things turned out.

* * *

**Waiting with a rope around my neck for the setting of the sun**

"Justin you _have got_ to sing at the bar tomorrow."

They were hanging out at a beach Justin had never been before, wearing warm clothes to protect them against the night breeze. A big fire was burning in the middle of the circle their bodies formed. It was radiating heat, but still Justin was not warm enough.

Thankfully, Jake had packed some camping material, including two tents, and Liam had another one as well, so they would be warm- if a little crowded- once they decided to go to sleep- if that ever happened.

The last week had gone by in a haze. They had performed almost every night, and Justin was beginning to get the hang of it, but still refused to sing by himself. So, Jake had decided to bring up the matter, since they were gathered now and he hoped the others would agree with him.

"I don't know Jake…"

"I'm not taking no for an answer this time. At least one song." Jake said sternly.

"Well, if I start singing alone, who will do the backup?" Justin said, trying to avert the subject. Truth was, for all his bravado and aspirations to become a singer; he was still terrified to sing alone in front of a big audience.

"You are too damn good to waste your time doing backup! Am I right Liam?" Jake asked, not giving Justin an opportunity to answer.

"Bloody hell. Certainly." Liam replied with conviction. "Besides Steve and I always did the fucking vocals and never got any complaints."

"And I can do the backup too, don't worry." Adam added helpfully.

At that point everyone averted Adam's gaze.

"What?" Adam asked.

"Adam…" Steve started "the thing is…"

"The thing is you are fucking tone deaf mate." Liam broke the news to him.

"I am not!" he looked around at the guys, but no one seemed too willing to prove him right. "Justin? Tell them the truth. I can sing fine right?"

Everyone looked at Justin expectantly. He took a big breath before replying. "Adam. Baby. You know you are my best friend right? And I love you loads, and you are shredding the guitar and the base, and you are pretty much great at everything you do…"

"Yada, yada, yada… get to the point Taylor." Adam interrupted him.

"You can't carry a tune to save your life." Well, it's better to be straightforward, Justin figured.

"Really?" Adam said disappointed. "But my ex used to say I sound just fine in the shower…"

"Everyone sounds good in the shower mate…" Liam told him.

"It's ok." said Justin, putting a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "We need you to play lead guitar anyway. We'd suck without you."

"You would?" Adam looked up at him like a 5 year old that had just gotten a terrific gift for Christmas, and was afraid someone might take it away.

"Abso-fucking-lutely!" Liam answered, and Justin and Jake nodded enthusiastically. Even Steve concurred.

"Who needs singers anyway?" Adam stated, more confident now. "The guitar is the backbone."

"Of course. Without the guitar there is no rock right?" Justin reassured him.

Adam smiled brilliantly.

"Great. Now that that's settled, does anyone have a clue what we are going to _eat_?" Steve deadpanned.

"There is some leftover from yesterday…" Jake pulled a half-shredded paper bag from the pocket of his jacket. It looked like there was nothing in it but crumbs.

"Perfect…" Steve mocked. Right on cue, Justin felt his stomach giving a resounding pitiful growl. Before joining Trip, he hadn't realized that the glamorous rock lifestyle included so little food.

"I don't know about you guys, but that shit helps me keep _my_ luscious figure intact." Liam rushed to the rescue, putting a hand over his rather round belly.

* * *

Justin moved a little closer to the bonfire, trying to get as much warmth as possible. The hand that was holding his cigarette was trembling from the cold.

Steve had disappeared off to God knows where, probably to take a piss. Adam and Liam were playing guitar, Adam trying to intercept with a little of his cacophonous singing, until Liam had told him frustrated "Give it a bloody rest already!"

Adam kept to the guitar after that.

Justin yawned loudly. He was very sleepy, but he wasn't in any sort of hurry to leave the warm fire behind.

What is more, his wet dreams about Brian, had kept Adam- who slept next to him- up all week, and had resulted in quite a lot of mockery from the rest of the band, so Justin was trying to keep his sleeping hours to a minimum.

Justin laughed to himself. Even though his aspirations of singing had been crushed, Adam still looked the happiest the boy had ever seen him.

He recalled all their late night conversations, illusions of stardom and fame passing by their closed eyelids, as they would howl more than sing in the middle of the night, alarming the neighbors. Adam was going to be the best guitarist in the world. And Justin… Justin was supposed to become the best singer.

What had appeared so simple back then, now seemed almost unreachable.

He shuddered a little, thinking of yesterday's dream. Next to that, all the horny frustrated tossing and turning of the nights before seemed like a walk in the park.

Last night, when he had finally gotten around to closing his eyes, he had had this terrible nightmare. He was singing on stage, and everything seemed to be going just fine, until he had spotted Brian in the crowd, amongst drunk stumbling teenagers. Brian had looked up at him, and Justin had felt his throat close up, and his voice leaving for its resting place. Then, everyone in the crowd had joined in on that spontaneous chanting that only happens in movies. And what they were screaming at the top of their lungs was simply "Freak!"

What was even more disturbing that his new found stage fright was that he couldn't seem to be able to get the jock out of his mind. He always popped up in his thoughts uninvited.

Above anything else, Justin kept thinking about the little souvenir he had left behind in Brian's room.

He should have kept it. At least then he'd have something to confirm that the previous weekend had actually happened. Every minute that passed made the time he had spent with Brian seem more like an elusive dream. Sometimes he almost got the feeling that he had made the whole thing up in his head.

The worst part was, he couldn't bare to talk to Adam about it. The last two years, there weren't a lot of things he didn't share with his best friend. Adam had truly been the one decent person in his life. He knew he'd understand, or at least try to pretty damn hard.

But on some level, talking about it to Adam… kind of felt like betraying Brian's trust.

'It shouldn't be this hard', Justin thought. He, supposedly, was done and over with the whole Brian Kinney chapter. He had made sure there weren't any loose ends. Brian deserved much worse than a little gossip by him and Adam, for heaven's sake.

Still… Justin was under the impression that if he talked about it, it would become even less real. He liked the idea of cherishing what had happened. His memories were the only thing Brian would never be able to take away from him, as much as Justin was sure the jock wished he could.

'Get over yourself Justin', he instructed his mind. It was enough that Brian visited him in his dreams every night. There was no need to daydream about the guy too.

"You're in love aren't you?"

Jake's sudden question snapped him out of his reverie.

"What?"

"You _are_! It is so obvious!" Jake exclaimed, sounding as though he was the first person to discover that ___E_=mc².

"Why would you say that?" Justin whispered, glancing worriedly at Adam. The teen was obliviously arguing with Liam about some thing or other though, and didn't seem to have heard Jake's exclamation.

"You just have that look."

"What look?" Justin asked, panicking.

"That look that says "This is fun, but I'd rather be fucking _that_ person right now."" Jake explained. "Besides, I've been shamelessly throwing myself at you all week and we haven't fucked yet."

"Oh you have?" Justin grinned widely.

"Don't change the subject. I was trying to make a point here." Jake said sternly. "And my point was that, since you haven't succumbed to _all_ my moves, you are either a blushing virgin, or you are in love. And you don't seem like a virgin to me."

"I'll take that as a compliment…" Justin answered unsure.

"So who is he?" Jake asked.

"Have you considered the fact that I might just _not_ be attracted to you, however shocking I am sure that sounds?"

Jake snorted. "Yeah right. I've seen you check me out. I'm not blind."

Justin remained silent. He used a stick to rekindle the fire, carefully avoiding Jake's questioning stare.

"Why can't we just fuck and get it over with?" Jake whined, jokingly. "The sexual frustration is killing me!"

"What sexual frustration?" Justin replied incredulous. "You've been sleeping with a different guy or girl after every gig!"

"Well, if you want to get all technical…"

Justin put his arms around him a little tighter. This night just kept getting colder.

"Are you cold?" Jake asked after a few minutes.

"You think?"

"You can sleep in my tent tonight. I can keep you warm." Jake said moving a little closer.

Justin burst out laughing "Nice try."

Jake smiled back at him "You are big trouble kiddo." He got up, stretched his limbs and started stripping.

"Whoa! Underage people present!" Justin exclaimed jokingly.

"I'm just going to go for a little swimming in the moonlight." Jake answered. "Feel free to join me if you want."

"You are insane." Justin deadpanned.

"Suit yourself." Jake tossed, before heading towards the water, taking off clothes on the way there.

"What the fuck is he doing?" Adam stared at Jake's retrieving naked form.

"You'll freeze your balls off moron!" Liam cried after him.

Jake flipped them off and immersed himself in the ice cold water.

Five minutes later, Jake was trembling like a wet cat, while Adam did his best to towel him dry, and Liam was laughing his ass off at Jake's nonstop sneezing. Justin could feel actual tears running down his face.

* * *

Justin rushed away from the fire to take a leak behind some bushes. Jesus, with all that cold and the trembling it caused, he wasn't sure he would be able to hold his own dick.

The air carried the guys' voices and laughter to his ears. After he relieved himself he started closing his fly but was stopped by a strange sound. He strained his ears to hear, but nothing more came.

He started moving towards where he figured the source of the sound was, and stopped dead on his tracks.

Steve was lying on the cold ground, his eyes closed, a blissful expression taking over his face. A needle was sparkling in the moonlight next to him.

"Justin where…oh." Adam came to stand next to him. "Lets go" he whispered and tugged at Justin's sleeve.

"Shit." Justin whispered back when they got a little away from Steve. "Do the others know?"

"Everyone _knows_ Justin. They are a band, not a church choir."

"You haven't…?" Justin asked staring at his friend.

"Hell no!" Adam said with conviction. "You know me. Some E or stuff like that maybe… but not that shit. Steve is a goddamn junkie."

"Where does he get the money?" Justin asked.

"Beats me." Adam shrugged.

"Should we get him a blanket or something? He must be freezing…"

"Look. He stays out of our business, and we stay out of his, ok? Don't bring it up."

Justin nodded.

The pile of things he shouldn't talk about was getting bigger and bigger by the hour.

* * *

Brian banged on the cymbals.

Ever since this week of hell had started, he had found himself practicing the drums more and more.

He really would have wanted to go out and get shit-faced, but there weren't any booze-buddies left. It was better anyway. He didn't even want to think that normally he would be having a drinking competition with Hobbs on a Saturday night.

He could go to Gypsies alone of course. He had tried that once, only to be subjected to the scrutiny and ambiguous remarks his former "friends" so kindly handed out to him. Even the barman had been looking at him sideways. News travel fast in such a small town.

Was this how life had been for Justin? Mockery everywhere he looked, without even a friendly face to turn to?

He hit down hard on the drums, imagining they were Chris Hobbs's head.

God. Justin. How can you miss so much someone you know so little?

"_I know things they don't. And until they find out, trust me; you don't know if they are your true friends."_

He had been right about everything. Brian didn't even have to officially come out for his teammates for them to turn against him. All they needed was a suggestion that he might be queer, and that was enough.

He was getting tired of everything. It was the first time since he had been 14 that he wasn't looking forward to going to school. He had been a god, and now he was a loser.

Justin had done the best thing possible in leaving this town. There was nothing here worth staying for. All the perfect domestic life the town was supposed to represent, it was all bullshit. Everyone knew what happened behind closed doors. Everyone knew about Jack's alcoholism, his violence. Everyone saw the bruises he'd sport when he was younger and didn't have the strength to stand up to him. And no one did a fucking thing about it. His own mother would rather turn to an unresponsive God and to cheap liqueur than face the reality. She would rather stand Jack's abuse, what he did to her children and to her as well, than get a goddamn divorce and be done with it.

Divorce is a sin. Right up there with taking it up the ass.

Don't talk about it. Noone needs to know. What happens at home, stays at home.

That was why he had been so willing to become the alpha male at school, he could admit it now. The way those guys looked up at him. Every girl wanted to fuck him and every boy wished he could be him. And Brian was eager to turn a blind eye to their ignorance and stupidity, their racism, intolerance, their attitude against women, minorities, "fudgepackers". Anything, as long as he was still Brian Kinney, titan amongst men.

He hadn't even considered the fact of his hypocrisy when he'd join in and call some kid a cocksucker. It's not lying if they make you lie, right?

He passed his fingers through his hair frustrated. He had always been a selfish prick, he knew that. He just never realized though how much of one he was.

Oh well. There wasn't any reason to dwell on that anymore. Self pity was not a valid word in the Brian Kinney dictionary.

So he just kept playing the drums.

If only Justin were here… He'd like to think that, even though apology was one of the missing words from his vocabulary as well… He'd do it all the right way. He'd take it all away.

But Justin was not here.

The boy hated him anyway. And he had every right to. Brian had called him a freak. He had turned his back on him.

He felt like hitting his head against a wall.

The one time Brian had felt so close to another human being, the one time he didn't mind talking about stuff he just couldn't talk to with other people… he had acted like a total coward.

How typical.

* * *

"Lisa! Having fun with your fag of a boyfriend?"

Patty Goldberg's hostile voice was followed by a chorus of giggles from the girls now standing in front of them.

"Sure. How about you? Fucked any 50 year olds lately?" was Lisa's answer.

The girls went away glaring after that.

"Whore." Lisa whispered.

Brian and Lisa were sitting alone at a table in the school cafeteria. Who knew you could get a whole table for yourself? All you had to do was get everyone to see you like a leper.

"Lisa."

She turned questioning eyes to him.

"You don't have to do this." Brian told her.

"She was calling you a fag. I'm not going to stand around and do nothing when a bitch like her spits out lies like that."

Lisa had willingly joined the losers squad in the last week. Brian didn't know what to make of that. He had never expected so much loyalty from her. He had never expected anything.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"I am your girlfriend, Brian. I…" she struggled with her words a little. "I love you. I know that our "forever and ever" pledge last summer does not apply to you, but it means a lot to me."

She smiled at the way Brian was staring at her speechless. "I know I am a bitch. But I always mean the things I say."

"You are not a bitch Lisa."

"I am." She sighed. "But it doesn't have to be a bad thing." She turned back to her food, not paying attention to him anymore.

"What if it was not a lie?" Brian asked. "What if Goldberg is right?"

She searched his face, looking for answers, but looked down at her sandwich, and talked more to it and to herself, when she whispered:

"Don't be ridiculous Brian."

* * *

A/N: title is from "Blinding Sun" by Mudhoney. It was a '92 track, but lets just say it was released in '91, since we are already pretending I keep my promises…

Also inspired by "Modern Kids" by Hotel Persona.

Thanks for the nice reviews on the last chapter guys, they made me very happy.

thank you for reading and/or reviewing. ;)

Feedback is always appreciated


	10. No Thought Control

A/N: hey! :) Sorry for the delay…

Thanks to Lupin111, once again. I think I'll always need a betta-reader from now on.

**No thought control.**

Justin was having that weird feeling you get when you are in between sleep and consciousness, just before you wake up. But he didn't want to wake up; he wanted to keep dreaming forever.

_Brian's hands were scalding hot against his cold skin. They were exploring his body, like having just discovered a new found land._

_He could feel the other boy's breath against his neck, his lips carving unrecognizable words there like a tattoo. A series of moans escaped Justin's lips._

"_Justin…" _

_He found Brian's lips, pouring everything that was in his being into that single kiss._

"_Justin"_

_He touched the base of Brian's neck, feeling goosebumps crawling, every single hair on his own body standing on end._

"_Justin wake up."_

He opened his eyes to find Adam poking his shoulder annoyed.

"You are talking in your sleep again." Adam informed him with a yawn_._

"Sorry…" Justin whispered. "Go back to sleep."

Adam mumbled something before putting his head back down. He was snoring a couple of minutes later.

Justin stumbled out of the tent. The sun was rising in the horizon, and he could smell the ashes of the fire that had been burning last night, along with the freshness of the morning. Jake was sitting in the middle of their hastily made camp, his hands hugging himself, trying to keep warm. Justin sat next to him on the ground.

"Up so early?" he asked.

Jake answered with a series of coughs. "I haven't slept all night." His voice sounded harsh. "I've been coughing nonstop. I think I have a fever."

Justin touched his forehead, to check Jake's temperature. "Yeah, probably. When we go to town, I'll get you something for that."

Jake smiled. "We have to get going soon. By the way, have you seen Steve? He didn't come to our tent."

"I saw him out cold last night. He looked high as they come. He's probably still there."

"Oh." Justin had the feeling Jake had had experiences with Steve's highs before, because he didn't seem surprised in the least. "Well, we better go get him."

They found Steve exactly where Justin and Adam had seen him the night before.

"Steve..." Jake woke him up gently.

Steve looked around alarmed, like he wasn't sure where he was. His expression changed instantly, once he spotted Jake hovering over him.

"It is morning." Jake informed him. "Can you stand?"

Steve nodded and started rising to his feet, but stumbled halfway through. Jake caught him before he fell on his face, and pulled Steve's arm over his shoulders.

Justin watched, not commenting. It all seemed like one of those bad educational films about drugs they used to show them at school.

"A little help?" Jake suggested.

Justin moved closer, and took Steve's other arm. They carried his dead weight to the car, and laid him down in the back. Jake got out of his jacket and placed it on Steve's body like a blanket.

"Shit. Again?" Liam looked like he had been having a hard night himself.

Jake nodded absentmindedly and went to his duffel bag to find something warm to wear himself.

"Shit." Liam repeated, summarizing quite eloquently the whole fucked up situation.

Two hours later, Justin was driving, while Jake kept coughing at his side. Adam, Liam and the still unconscious Steve were hurdled in the back, amongst equipment. Justin tried to pay attention to the road, but his mind kept flying back to Steve. The man had looked pale as a ghost, and completely out of it.

"Is he going to be ok?"

"Steve? Yeah… he'll be fine… He's always fine." Jake replied.

Justin broke the silence half an hour later. "He needs help."

"Probably…" Jake sighed. "But he says it isn't a problem, so… there's not much I can do."

Justin carefully took a turn. He was afraid if he drove too fast, they would hear the drums clattering away on the asphalt, the guys along with it.

"Steve has always been there for me." Jake continued, even though Justin hadn't asked for further explanation. "Plus he is an excellent drummer. We have a deal: as long as his… whatever the fuck it is… doesn't interfere with the band and the gigs, we don't talk about it."

Justin kept his eyes on the road. In his opinion Steve's addiction was interfering with the band already.

* * *

"Justin…please" Jake whined.

"I'm not ready. I'll fuck it up."

"But you know I can't sing tonight. My voice is on strike." The coarseness his voice held was sufficient confirmation.

"But…"

"But?" Steve, who had been keeping quiet all through Jake's seemingly endless pleading, found it a great time to break his silent vow. "But what?"

"I can't do it."

"You _are _a singer aren't you?"

Justin always had that uneasy feeling around Steve, the one that told him they were never really going to like each other. He had also noticed that Steve's aggressiveness had increased tenfold as soon as he had realized that Jake hadn't found him in that field all by himself.

Justin's presence there had been most certainly not welcome. Steve now treated him like an intruder. Even when they were helping Steve to the car, Justin had felt like he had been interrupting some kind of ritual, a ceremony of recovery that was to be known only by Jake and Steve himself.

"Of course I am a singer…" Justin started, glaring at the man, but Steve interrupted him once more.

"Then you are going to sing. This is an important gig, we are going to get good money for it, money we need pretty fucking much, and I'm not ready to see them down the drain because of some kid's "insecurities""

"Whoa. Calm down." Jake lifted his hands in the air between the other two, as if he was afraid they'd have a fight. "If Justin can't do it then no one will force him to."

"This isn't your little protégé's choice anymore" Steve shot back at him. "It is a band decision. So. Liam? Adam?"

Liam looked apologetically at Justin before answering "I have to side with Steven here mate… I mean you are a fucking singer anyway, you were going to do it eventually, and you might bloody well start now." Adam was nodding silently from somewhere in the background.

Steve grinned like a satisfied well-fed cat. "It's settled then."

"It is not settled!" Jake answered. "I will do the gig myself. I am per…" he had to stop midsentence to cough his lungs out "perfectly fine." He finished lamely.

"It's ok Jake… I'll do the vocals." Justin resigned finally.

* * *

Justin could feel his heart in his throat, beating rapidly. His legs were going weak, and he was pretty sure he must look as pale as a ghost. Whatever encouragement Jake had tried to give him was going out the window, and could not help him get past the fact that he was about to sing in front of dozens of people, at what was possibly their biggest, most important gig to date.

As Liam and Steve went on stage to take their respective positions, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Justin" Adam spoke to him in a rushed voice "You don't have to be nervous. It's what we've been waiting for all those years."

"I have no idea what to do."

"You just have to sing, you don't need to think. Come on, you are going to be a success as always. Joke around a bit. And… I don't know, do something crazy to get their attention. That always works."

Justin took a big breath and started walking to his imminent doom.

"Oh and…" Adam went on "don't smash any guitars or amplifiers. We can't afford new ones ok?"

When Justin came to stand in front of the microphone, the spotlight on him, blinding him, all he could think of was hazel eyes.

Brian, wherever he was, was still with him. And Justin would be damned if he let the brunette hold him back from fulfilling his dream once more. Brian had doubted him, but Justin, albeit nervous as hell, was going to prove him wrong.

"Where is Jake?" someone from the crowd yelled, before they even had a chance to play a single note.

"Jake thought it was a good idea to jump head first into freezing water and get himself pneumonia." Justin spoke into the microphone. Some people, probably fans that knew of Jake's recklessness laughed at that. "So, you are going to have to bear with me for now."

He felt more than heard Steve starting to beat on the drums, giving them the beat, and he started playing his guitar. The guitar was easy, familiar in his hands, a friend he could always trust.

When the time came that he had to start singing, Justin could hear Brian's voice in his ear

"_That's your big dream? You do know there must be a thousand wanna-be bands out there right?"_

He ignored it, focusing instead on the memory of Brian saying _"__if__anyone in this city can do it, it's you_" and the way his face had looked at that single moment, his eyes glinting with mischief, lips forming a grin, his body warm next to Justin's own.

"_Do something crazy to get their attention."_ was what stood out more than anything else, but it wasn't Adam that was saying that to him. It was Brian.

_Do something crazy._

Justin grabbed the microphone and did the one thing that came to mind.

He screamed.

Half an hour and more than ten songs later, the Goths and metalheads and punks and all around every single person in the audience could agree on one thing: Trip had found its new singer. And he was fucking crazy.

* * *

As the show ended, Adam rushed to the front and jumped on Justin, hugging him.

"Didn't I tell you? Didn't I?" he cried out.

They moved, still hugging, toward what had served as their dressing rooms for the day- but looked like it used to be a janitor's cupboard.

Jake had a shit-eating grin from ear to ear plastered on his face, but before Justin had the chance to go to him, Liam pushed him in a tight bear-hug. "You fucking killed it kiddo!"

"Good job man." Steve agreed, and it was the first time Justin could have sworn the drummer actually smiled at him.

"Good job? It was bloody awesome!" Liam exclaimed, ready to piss his pants with excitement, finally letting go of Justin.

"Wait, what is going on out there?" Adam shushed them, straining his ears to listen. The crowd was still clapping furiously, demanding an encore.

"An encore? A bloody encore?" Liam exclaimed. "5 fucking years I've been performing, and no one's ever asked for an encore. Come on!" He pulled Steve's arm, Adam following them close by, jumping more than walking.

Justin stared at their retreating backs, too mesmerized by the weirdness, the greatness of it all, to even move.

"Hey." Jake finally came to stand in front of him, his smile still firmly in place. "You are going to put me out of a job."

"What did _you_ think?" Justin asked, a bit of nervousness returning. "Was I any good?"

"Good?" Jake let out an incredulous laugh. "You were phenomenal! Now get your ass out there already!"

As Justin walked back in front of the audience, he realized that even if all the jocks and cheerleaders from school, along with his father, all joined in on a chorus of "freak!", he'd just give them the bird and keep singing.

* * *

Brian walked down the school corridor with a lot of reserve. The day had been pretty uneventful so far, but Brian knew not to haste into conclusions. The small giggles from his school-mates were more than usual, and Brian was getting nervous.

The confirmation to his suspicions came soon enough though. As soon as his locker entered his line of vision, he noticed a massive crowd of people standing there, laughing and talking wildly. He pushed his way through them, and came to an abrupt halt once he reached his destination.

The locker-once a sickly yellow color- now had writing on it. Someone had written in bright red:

FAGS GET AIDS AND DIE

"Like our little bit of social commentary there Kinney?" he heard from somewhere amongst the ever growing group of students. Turning around he came face to face with a pack of jocks, some of whom had declared him their hero just a week ago.

"Fuck off!"

"The truth hurts, doesn't it?"

"Hey Kinney. Wanna suck my cock?" Matt, a bear-sized quarterback said, gaining a round of laughs from the people around him.

"You actually have one?" Brian replied, raising an eyebrow in challenge. "I must've missed it."

"What is going on?" Mr. Dawson made his way through the crowd. He took one look at the locker, and then started looking around for explanation. "Who did this?"

None seemed eager to answer, Matt and his buddies in particular.

"Brian? Do _you _know?"

The brunette gave one last long scalding stare at the jocks. "No. It was like this when I came here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." He'd be damned if he let a teacher just wave his magic wand and make everything disappear. This was his problem, his alone.

Mr. Dawson sighed. "Follow me."

* * *

The principal's office had to be the most disturbingly impersonal space inhabited by a human being for more than 5 hours a day, that ever existed. The only thing that gave away there actually was a person working in there, was a faded family photo of two kids and an ugly woman in her 40s. But that too was barely visible among the huge stacks of paper that occupied all and any available surface.

The principal himself lived up to his surroundings. Nothing in his appearance could be called interesting in the least, from his blunt clothes to his well- groomed brown hair and moustache that covered half of his expressionless face. Brian figured if the man should die right at this moment, it would take a few days before anyone actually noticed.

"So, Mr. Kinney." The principal started, his voice low and his mouth barely moving, as if he was too bored to actually form well rounded sounds with his mouth. His speech was what had gained him the title of "Boss Bored" anyway. "It has reached my ears that certain students have been giving you trouble."

Brian scoffed.

"I hope it doesn't have anything to do with Coach Garibaldi, who by the way, between you and me" the principal leaned in over the desk "will not be returning next year."

"He won't?" Brian asked surprised.

"The allegations you made against him did not go by unnoticed. I do not tolerate such behavior from the faculty. Mr. Garibaldi will have to answer in court for his actions. Now tell me. What seems to be the problem? In a nutshell."

Brian stared back, lost for words. What was the problem? Was this guy for real? Hell had broke loose over his beloved school in the past days, two students had left it for good a month before the ending of the school year, others thought lockers were a nice place to exercise their painting skills on and nothing had "reached his ears"?

At Brian's unresponsiveness, the principal found it suiting to take off his glasses, give them a little cleaning, put them back on and look at Brian seriously once again.

"If it has to do with this moronic rumor that's been going around school, I wouldn't trouble my mind over it, if I were you."

"I don't really care." Brian shrugged. God this room was choking him. He had to get out.

"Good. I've been working with teenagers half my life. They can be the cruelest of people." He went on. Brian was getting annoyed at his parental tone. "You never know what other ridiculous thing they are going to come up with next. A homosexual! That is ludicrous indeed." He let out a small, almost inaudible laugh, his lips barely moving. "I want you to know, that I am doing my best to revoke your suspension from the team."

"How come?"

"But… Brian… you are the star of the team!" the principal actually showed a bit of emotion this time, a tad of color reaching his shriveled cheeks. "We can't just let you go like that. You have a bright future ahead of you young man."

"What about the bullying? Do you have a solution for that?"

"Bullying? What bullying? I thought we were on the same page here." He replied baffled, his right hand reaching up to pull at the knot of his tie. "You just said you did not care about your classmates'… childish games."

The motherfucker sure as hell has a way with words, Brian thought. Childish games….

"I don't. But I am not the only one in this school that goes through these things." He thought back to the myriads of times students were randomly called queer and fag by the "elite". The times that Justin had to be subjected to people calling him names at corridors and taking the piss at him. And Brian had done nothing about it, just stood back and watched. Well, no more.

"I beg of you, don't preoccupy yourself with such issues. They are only harmless banter."

"Harmless?" Brian shot back at him. "Are you not _aware_ of the fact that Justin and Adam left the school?"

The principal cleared his throat uneasy. "Mr. Taylor's and Mr. White's departure is very saddening. Nevertheless, I don't see any connection between it and the supposed "bullying" you are speaking of."

Big important man and his big, big words. Brian could not think of anything more ridiculous than this pitiful person sitting comfortably in his comfortable chair and behind his big wooden office desk.

"It has a lot to do with it. It might not have been what drove them away, but it surely added to the list don't you think?"

"These students you are referring to had chosen to isolate themselves from the student body."

"They did not choose it, anymore than any other kid in this school that gets called a cocksucker does!"

"Mr. Kinney!" the principal cried out indignantly. "No such language shall be used inside the confines of this office!"

"It is _being used_ in the rest of the school, I don't see why I can't say it in here."

The principal cleared his throat once more. "I would refrain from these words if I were you. I know you must be frustrated and bitter right now, so I will forgive you" he added smiling at his own graciousness. "Anyhow, Brian, we are not here to discuss neither Mr. Taylor, nor Mr. White."

"What are we here to discuss then?" Brian replied, his voice ice cold.

"I just wanted to let you know that I am on your side." He leaned closer to Brian, this time barely being able to contain his enthusiasm. "You will make us all proud one day. I will have a meeting with the students' parents to put a stop to this – this bullying as you call it- that has been committed against you."

Just then, Brian realized something. This meeting was all about the principal's expectations that Brian would bring glory to the school, by becoming a basketball star. He was pretty sure the principal was already working on the little speech he would be giving in front of the cameras a few years later. _Brian Kinney? Oh yes, an excellent student, excellent indeed. I always knew he'd make it. We, as a faculty and a school make sure to provide the students with the environment necessary to thrive in the respective field of their choice…_

"You will have a meeting just for me? I am flattered." Brian commented, feeling the bile rising in his throat. This school, this city… it was nauseating.

"Yes! We will prove them wrong!" the principle waved his fist in the air in an unusual indication of emotion on his part. "They will not have the guts to call you those things again!" Brian noticed how the more excited the principal got, the more he forgot about the dictionary.

"No they won't! They won't dare!" Brian fueled him on.

"You are damn right they won't!" the principal replied, his voice rising in volume.

"When I join the NBA, they'll be waiting on a line to kiss the bottom of my shoes!" Brian went on.

The principal actually laughed this time. "And no one in their right minds will say anything bad about you."

"God forbid anyone should call me a fag then!" Brian added.

"A fag?" the principal snorted. "As if a fag could actually score like you on the field my boy!"

Brian felt his face turn frigid in a matter of seconds. "It sure as hell helps sucking on a nice cock and getting it up the ass before a game though."

Brian could have sworn the principal was having a heart attack.

* * *

"Brian… Why are you home so early?" Joan asked.

"A professor got sick…" he tossed behind his back cryptically, making the way up the stairs to his room.

When the principle had regained his ability to speak again he had ushered Brian out the door. Still shocked, he had added that Brian had his permission to miss the rest of the day in school if he wanted to.

Brian couldn't have wished for anything better- given the circumstances of course. He had rushed back home, a plan forming on his mind. Well, not so much a plan as a stupid act of self-assuredness and fulfillment.

Teenage angst is a bitch, especially when it returns full force mere weeks before the end of your final year in high school.

He moved determined to the closet, opening it. He searched frantically through it, pulling out all the jerseys and team uniforms that he owned and throwing them in a pile behind his back. He didn't know what he'd do with them exactly. Probably burn them. Possibly tear them to pieces. A good idea would be to feed them to Chris Hobbs and his former "friends". But he certainly was not keeping them. He didn't want to own anything that connected him to those buffoons.

His hands stopped when he touched the red jersey. He recognized it immediately. He had bought it a few years back, when he had watched that basketball game in the big city with Hobbs. It even had the autographs from all the players on it.

It was also the jersey Justin had been wearing all those days ago. His mind went numb for a second. Justin… He was positive Justin still had it.

Then how had it got back in his closet?

He brought the jersey in front of his eyes, and hungrily looked at it as if it held the answers to all the burning questions of the universe.

Everything seemed in place, except… There was a scribbling there; Brian did not have a memory of seeing it before.

He took the jersey with him near the window, squinting his eyes to make out the small writing.

_I am going on a trip- with TRIP_

* * *

A/N: Thank you to anyone who has added this on their alerts and/or favorites list, and to the people who take the time to review.

Title is from Pink Floyd's amazing all time classic Another Brick in the Wall.

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing. ;)


	11. if I go there will be trouble

A/N: So this quick update gives me the right to update again after a week or something right? No? lol

**boriqua522 **sorry for the cliffy

Thanks for the nice reviews on the previous chapter guys

Thanks to Lupin111, once again!

* * *

**If I go there will be trouble****  
****An' if I stay it will be double**

Justin was staring back at him.

The photo seemed recent enough. Justin, eyeliner firmly in place, looked bored out of his mind. Brian could picture him posing for the camera, drawling out something along the lines of "why do I need a photo anyway? You see me every day" to his parents, while some song or other was playing inside his brain, probably murmuring the lyrics even as the picture was being taken.

Below his face, in bold black was the declaration: "Have you seen our son?" along with the contact information and the plea to whoever knew where Justin was to immediately call the police.

Brian looked at the flyer a bit longer. They had spawned around town like a disease, bringing more attention to the missing teen than Justin probably would have ever wanted. He was briefly tempted to tear it off the wall and keep it for himself.

Should he tell Justin's mother what he knew? He had seen her around town, desperately asking every single person she came across if he or she had some idea where her son might be. The worry had taken its toll on her. Now, the perfect looking Jennifer Taylor's hair were tousled, her eyes sleep-deprived.

He decided against it though. Justin didn't want to be found, and Brian knew if he owed one thing to him that was to respect his wishes, at least on that. Truth was he didn't know that much of his whereabouts anyway.

The cryptic message had been fixed on his mind's eye for days now.

_I'm going on a trip with TRIP_

_-J.T._

Brian spent his days writing it down, as if seeing it once more would make things clearer for him, and his nights dreaming about it and all its possible interpretations.

The fact that Justin had decided to leave that message behind in the first place was confusing- and relieving- in itself. He must have climbed up Brian's window to do it. Brian felt a tightness in his chest just thinking the other boy had been in his room, without him knowing, possibly when Brian had been wasting his time playing basketball.

Because that was what basketball had come to mean for him- a waste of time. He never really loved it, it always only served as a means to an end, his ticket to a better life, acceptance in school, the key to his success.

In the last two weeks he had come to terms with his sexuality though- or at least he was in the process of doing so. Whenever Lisa tried to kiss him, he'd come up with an excuse to leave. So, knowing what he now knew, he understood that basketball would never be enough to make people accept him. He'd always have to hide his true self, and even though he had not officially come out to anyone yet, he could not imagine a life in the closet for much longer.

Problem was, basketball was what he had based all his hopes on. He didn't have a plan b. And if he spent all his life in this town, even as an out gay man, his fate was already laid out for him. And it wasn't a nice picture. He'd probably end up like Barbara.

Barbara had served as the town's laughing stock for as long as Brian could remember. Barbara was not the guy's true name, but no one remembered what his actual name had been. He was the only out man in the town- except Justin that is. But whereas Justin had managed to keep his reputation intact to some degree, Barbara's tale could only be called a devastatingly sad one.

Barbara looked like he could have been beautiful once. Today though, he was the living experiment of the most failed attempt at a drag queen that had ever been. His feminine clothes and the swaying of his hips had earned him dozens of scalding looks and ugly remarks each day. His round belly protruding from his too- tight bright tops, his balding head and his face, caked with many layers of flailing cheap makeup, made him so much different than the usually mysteriously fetching transvestites.

At night he'd hook up with truck-drivers and strangers who spent the night at the small local hotel, on their way to bigger cities, getting paid in drugs and a few dollars.

Each year, a graduating student would pay him for a fuck or a blowjob. It was a rite of passage, a dare. Who can stand fucking the ugly queer.

Brian shuddered at the thought that this tragic specimen could be himself in a few years. That it could have been Justin, had he stayed here a little longer.

God, if he knew where Justin was, he'd probably pack up his shit and go after him without a second thought. But then what?

What was he supposed to do? Ask for forgiveness, and wait for Justin to be willing to accept it? Why would he? Surely, Justin leaving the jersey behind meant that he didn't hate him. But still… Brian wasn't so adamant on whether the boy would want to see him again.

* * *

Sitting in class, weeks before graduation, seemed surreal. The students- and Brian himself- were uneasy, anxious for the lecture to be over more so than usual. The light breeze coming from the open window was not enough to relieve the heat of many bodies inhabiting such a small space.

_I'm on a trip- with TRIP_

_-J.T._

Brian wrote it down on his textbook once again pushing the pen down on the paper maliciously.

"That's it for today." Mr. Dawson called out from his place in the front of the class, finally managing to get their undivided attention. "See you tomorrow, and don't forget the final evaluation test of the year is this Monday."

Brian gathered his books slowly, waiting for the rest of the students to clear the classroom. When he was the last person in the room with Mr. Dawson, he moved in front of the professor's desk and stood there awkwardly, waiting to be noticed.

Mr. Dawson finally looked up after a while and looked at him surprised. "Brian? Can I help you?"

"Yes. Um… Here. It's my paper." He passed on a folder to the older man.

"Your…" he looked down at the finished project in his hand surprised. "It wasn't obligatory"

"I know. I just thought I could use the extra credit."

"Well…" Mr. Dawson smiled "That's good. I hope you had done more of that all these years. Your grades could have been a lot better." He counted the sheets of paper quickly. "And twenty pages nonetheless! You must have tried hard for this."

Brian shrugged. "I had a lot of free time on my hands."

"I see that… I'm sure it's good work Brian. You always were more intelligent than you gave yourself credit for."

Brian nodded. The professor was right, he knew that already. Brian never wanted to seem like a nerd, so he barely tried for anything at school. It's better to have terrible grades than people thinking you are not cool right?

"Are the other students still…" Mr. Dawson asked.

"Pretty much, yeah. Same old, same old."

The professor sighed. "Sometimes I wish I had never gotten that transfer to teach here. But…" he sighed heavily again and put Brian's project on top of a stack of ungraded tests "on the other hand, you can't just hide away where things are better. You have to at least try right?" he went on, talking more to himself. "It's such a pity when students have to suffer that kind of situation though. Like Justin and Adam. I wish I could have done more to make them feel welcome in their own school."

Brian kept his face expressionless. This was going just the way he had wanted to.

"About Taylor…" he managed to sound unconcerned. "Do you have any idea where he might be?"

"Justin? Oh, no, unfortunately not. If I knew, I would have told his mother immediately. Such a pity… He was an excellent student, even though, as you yourself, he didn't put a lot of effort into school…"

Brian could feel the black weight that had nested on his chest in the last two weeks leer its ugly head menacingly.

"Have you ever heard him talking about something called Trip?" Brian gave it one last shot, not really caring if the teacher will find his interrogation weird anymore. "He mentioned it to me one day after class." he lied easily.

"Trip?" Mr. Dawson thought of it for a while. "Trip… is that a band name?"

"A band…?" Brian looked at him questioningly.

"Yes. My best guess is it is a band name. It follows the usual motif. A band named after a drug." Mr. Dawson explained. "I know I don't look it, but me and Anna- that's my wife… we used to constantly go around following bands across the country a few years back." He seemed lost in his memories for a few seconds, his eyes lighting up with reminders of careless times. "Anyway, Justin did tell me he was going to make a band one day. Maybe that's what Trip is."

Brian thought someone had switched on a light bulb over his head. He knew Justin hadn't come up with a name for his still unformed band the last time he had talked to him. But maybe he had come up with that name before leaving toward the unknown, and had managed to recruit other people too… Or maybe he was just laying low as a groupie, following an unknown indie band no one had ever heard of before. Probably one of those bands Adam supposedly listened to.

Whatever the answer was, Dawson's suggestion was the only thing he had to start looking.

* * *

Brian looked at the record shop doubtfully. He had never been inside, although he had heard a lot of rumors about the owner. Most of them didn't make sense, so what he really knew of the place was that it was the less glamorous version of the popular record store, and that it also served as a tattoo and piercing parlor, although the guy who owned it probably didn't make a lot of money from that department.

He stepped inside, the door jingling, announcing his arrival. He looked around but no one was to be found.

"Hello?" he called out.

There was shuffling from the back room and after a minute a man emerged. He was wearing an old pink shirt that came down to his knees and a yellow bandana on his long dirty hair. All in all, he gave off the feeling he belonged in a documentary for Woodstock, an effect emphasized by his blood shot eyes and the smell of pot that he had no doubt been smoking in the backroom, if his worried deer-caught- in front of- headlights was any indication. Brian inhaled deeply. Fuck, he'd kill for some pot right now.

The man let out a relieved sigh, before focusing on Brian again. "I think you should go to Tyler's" he indicated looking Brian up and down. "They probably have the record you are looking for."

"No. I tried there. They don't." Brian replied annoyed. Presumptuous much?

"Oh. Ok. What can I do for you?"

"Actually, I think you know a friend of mine. Adam White?" Brian asked.

The guy's face lit up. "Adam! Yes, of course I know him man!" he looked at Brian questioningly. "He's a friend of yours?"

"Yeah." Brian replied nonchalantly. "A very good friend. He comes here a lot right?"

The guy let out a small laugh. "Only every other day. I'm Robbie by the way."

"Brian" he said, shaking the man's hand.

"Where _is_ Adam? I haven't seen him in weeks."

"….He left…." Brian informed him, incredulous about the fact that Robbie had no idea what had happened.

"Really? Oh well. Too bad. Now… what can I get you?"

"Do you by any chance remember what Adam bought the last time he was here? He… um… lost something and wants me to send it over to him." Brian said, coming up with lies as he went.

"Just a second." Robbie replied and went to the back room again. Brian could hear him struggling for a good ten minutes, until Robbie came back balancing about a dozen records in his arms. He gave them all to Brian, his breath a little ragged. "That's all I think."

Brian looked down at the records. Great.

"Yeah.. Do you by any chance know a band named Trip?"

"Oh, he got you "on the trip" too huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Adam. He got you to listen to them too? I swear he must have tried to sell their demo to me 500 times."

"Yeah something like that. So, did you buy any demos after all?"

"I bought two a month ago. Adam is a good kid." Robbie shrugged. "Why? Do you want one?"

"Sure."

"Wait a second."

Robbie moved to the back room again and started moving things around. At some point it sounded like something heavy had come down crashing on his head.

"Are you ok in there?" Brian called out.

"Great!" was Robbie's muffled reply. "Goddamn dust..." Brian heard the man say.

Another 10 minutes later, Brian was finally holding a dusty copy of the hastily made demo.

"They are going on a tour this summer you know." Robbie informed him, pocketing the money Brian had given him.

"Really? Where?"

"All over…" Robbie said cryptically. "I'll close the shop in 2 weeks. Go on my vacation, you know…" he smiled widely. "Maybe I'll go see them. You can come with if you want. See your _friend_ Adam and all." He looked at Brian doubtful still. "Although you'll have to contribute. You know… gas... and stuff…"

Brian nodded. His head was spinning. "Hey, Robbie, do you have any weed?"

"Weed? Me? Of course not! Why? Who told you?" he leaned closer, a paranoid conspiratory look in his eyes.

"No one" Brian decided to play the man's game. "But if you do- not that you would of course- I'd like some." He said, pulling out some more money from his back pocket.

Robbie smiled, gladly relieving Brian of the cash. "I think I'm starting to like you kid." He said wrapping an arm casually around Brian's shoulders.

* * *

"Fucking asshole!" Justin yelled.

The man didn't acknowledge him, just kept going on his way.

Justin fished the Styrofoam cup out of his guitar case and used his sleeve to clean up the mess the guy's steaming coffee had created. "Prick…" he murmured under his breath.

He and Adam had been playing the street all morning, but had next to nothing to show for their work. It felt surreal, how at nights they would have a room full of passionate teenagers singing their songs and Justin would feel like a freaking God and in the morning they'd play the streets, barely making 5 dollars in change- not to mention the fact that a lot of passerbys used his guitar case as a garbage bin.

"When are we leaving from here?" Justin asked, still annoyed. They had been in the same town for 4 days now. Even though he would have never thought of it before, Justin was starting to enjoy wandering from city to city, never knowing where he'd wake up next.

"Probably tomorrow." Adam shrugged. "Then we have the meeting with the manager next month!" he added excited. "You got to give credit to Steve for all his connections right?"

"Yeah, I guess…" Justin replied. The manager they were supposed to meet was an old friend of Steve's and even though Justin himself was excited, he still couldn't help but think that if the guy was so ace, he would have already signed Steve to a record company or something. "How is Steve by the way? Did you see him?"

"He was still out of it this morning." Adam answered, his happy expression flickering a little. Steve had been pulling stunts like that all week. The minute they'd get paid for a gig he'd start looking for his next fix, ending up with empty pockets the next day. "Hey, I think we have enough money for that phone call." Adam indicated.

Justin collected the change and jingled it in his palm. "Can _you_ call? You know, in case my grandmother picks it up."

"Sure man. Should I change my voice?" Adam asked. He then proceeded making all sorts of variations of Darth Vader impersonations "Hello, is Molly there? There… there… Is Molly..."

"That's ok." Justin interrupted him quickly, stifling a laugh. "She won't recognize your voice anyway. Come on." He got up from the pavement and caught Adam's hand to pull him up, before moving towards the phone booth in the near corner.

"Yes? Hi, is Molly… oh hello Molly how are you?" Adam talked into the phone. "Here" He passed it on to Justin and then left him alone and walked back to where they had been previously.

"Hey Mollusk"

"Justin!" came the enthusiastic squeak.

"How was school? Did you do your homework?"

"Jesus, you sound like mom! School was fine, and yes my homework is done. We even had a surprise test, but I did good."

"Is Grandma treating you well?"

"Yeah, she's OK. She's almost deaf now, so she doesn't complain about the TV at night, and she's such a better cook than Mom."

"How… how _is_ Mom? Dad?"

"I haven't seen Dad in a while… But Mom is ok. Listen; there were police officers here a couple of days ago."

"Cops? Why?" Justin asked, starting to get anxious.

"Mom has them looking for you. There are pictures of you all around town. You're a superstar!"

Justin cursed under his breath. "You got that right…"

"Where are you staying?"

"Um… this big hotel… with a pool and everything." He lied quickly.

"That is so cool! I wish I was with you… I… Oh shoot, Mom's here."

Justin heard muffled noises, and was about to hang up, when he heard his mother's voice from the other end of the line.

"Justin? Honey is that you?"

He passed his hand through his hair, getting it out of his eyes. "Hi mom…" he said finally.

"Justin!" he heard the woman's rapid breath. "Where are you? When are you coming home?"

"I'm not coming home."

"You have to come home! I filed a missing person's report. You…."

"You shouldn't have done that." He cut her off. "I'm going to turn eighteen in a week."

"You are still a child Justin, even though you can't see it. You belong here. Your dad and I are sick with worry."

"Dad? Somehow I doubt that…"

"That's unfair. Your Dad... he's just confused that's all. You have to come home; we can work this through…"

"There's nothing to work through. Look, this is just something I have to do now, ok?"

Jennifer sighed heavily. "I'm not going to argue with you over the phone…Is… is Adam with you?"

"Yes, Adam is with me."

"Take care of each other ok?

"We will. Don't worry."

"And Justin… I love you…"

Justin cleared his throat. "Listen, I have to go… I'm out of money."

He hung up, not listening to the last things she said. The remaining coins clattered down noisily.

* * *

The smoke was getting in his eyes. Another night, another party. Adam was singing along with Liam and Jake-who was starting to regain his voice, and Steve was sitting across from them on a couch, flirting with a girl. She was black, with wild curly hair and pretty big eyes that made her look way too innocent to be there. Justin watched, his anxiousness increasing, as she giggled at something Steve whispered in her ear. When Steve passed on his joint to her, Justin couldn't take it anymore. He had to act. He got up and approached them, pulling the joint out of her hand and giving it back to Steve.

"What the fuck's your problem?" Steve exclaimed annoyed.

"Find someone else ok?" Justin shot back at him. He turned to the girl. "Come with me." he said, grabbing her arm and making his way out of the house.

"Let go!" the girl yelled, yanking her hand away.

"Are you out of your mind? Were you just going to take what some random guy gave you at a party?"

"I've smoked pot before thank you very much. And who the fuck do you think you are anyway? My brother?"

"Steve likes to lace his weed with heroine. And I'm pretty sure you haven't done _that_ before." He informed her, looking her up and down.

"Oh…" she tried to ingest that new information. "What an asshole. He didn't say anything."

Justin scoffed. "I wonder why…"

"I'm Daphne by the way" she said, extending her hand, quickly recovering from the shock.

"Justin." He murmured, pulling out a cigarette instead of shaking her hand.

She didn't seem phased in the least. "So. Where are we going?"

"_I_ 'm going to get a drink somewhere else. _You _can do whatever you want." He replied starting to walk away.

"Sweet. A drink sounds great right now." She caught up with him.

Justin let out a surprised laugh. "What are you doing here anyway? You look 12. Shouldn't you be in your bed sleeping at this hour?"

"I could say the same about you." she pointed out. "So, any good place you want to go to?"

"No idea. I'm not from around here."

"Well, it's a good thing you met _me_ then!" she smiled brilliantly at him.

* * *

A/N: title is from "Should I stay or should I go" by The Clash.

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	12. between your house and home

**Between your house and home**

"Justin. Where have you been all night?" a sleep-deprived Adam greeted him and Daphne.

They moved towards the truck, Daphne carrying a duffle bag full of clothes and other mysterious stuff she had said she couldn't possibly survive without for a weekend.

"Tour of the city…" Justin replied cryptically.

"And who are you?" Steve asked.

Daphne looked at him for a few seconds, mystified that he didn't even remember her, but snapped out of it quickly. "Daphne Chanders" she introduced herself, with a little wave to everyone.

"Yeah, Daphne insists she comes with us for the weekend." Justin explained. "We have another gig here on Monday right? So I thought she can come with, and we'll drive her back Monday morning."

Liam groaned from somewhere in the background.

"And where the fuck is she supposed to sleep exactly? There's barely enough room for the 5 of us." Steve said glaring at Justin, while Liam and Adam looked at each other, nodding furiously in agreement.

"Well… uh…" Justin hadn't thought about that.

"Doesn't matter." Jake said smiling, and moved to take Daphne's bag off her hands. "Because we are staying in a hotel this weekend baby!" he added excited, kissing Justin's cheek.

"What? When did that happen?" Adam asked confused.

"I, being a master in the field of mathematics" Jake started, ignoring Liam's snort "have cracked up the numbers and figured that with all the money we made from the gigs these last 4 days we can afford sleeping at a hotel if we want to." He sighed content. "Think of that, a nice hotel bed…"

"Well if that's the case, hop on kid." Liam told Daphne, who eagerly obliged.

"That's so great." Adam said, looking at Daphne like she was the most delicious looking chocolate dessert. "Our first groupie!"

"I'm not…"

"Yeah, first groupie ever!" Justin confirmed, smiling, with a warning look Daphne's way. He knew that would increase the chances that the others would accept Daph with no complaint.

"How old are you?" Liam asked, looking her up and down.

"17…"

"And your folks are ok with you going away with a group of older, possibly extremely dangerous individuals?" he said, moving closer and looking at her suggestively.

"He's just messing with you." Jake appeased her. "I'm Jake by the way" he added shaking her hand. "And that's Adam, Steve and Liam" he said, introducing everyone.

Adam took his place behind the wheel, with Steve next to him, and the rest of them poured into the open back.

"Your parents are ok with you leaving right?" Justin asked her as a last minute thought.

"Yeah of… Oh shit." She looked with wide eyes at a middle aged man in his pajamas that was quickly coming toward the truck, flip flops clanking on the asphalt ominously.

"Daphne Chanders! Where do you think you are going?" the man yelled, quickening his pace.

"Crap." Justin got up and hit his palm against Adam's window. "Go, go!" Daphne's father did not look happy, and Justin was not too fond of the thought of the man's humongous fists making contact with his face, if the man caught up with them.

"It won't start!" Adam called out anxiously, trying to start the engine over and over with disappointing results.

"Oh fuck." Liam got up and started banging along with Justin on the side window. "Come on Skills! Just go already!"

"You are not making it any easier you know!" Adam informed them, trying desperately to get the car going.

"Get here right now young lady!" the man exclaimed, out of breath.

When he was less than 10 feet away from them, the engine finally made a gargling noise and Adam stepped down on it, tires screeching, as the man broke into a sprint.

"I'll be back after the weekend dad!" Daphne cried out, as the car accelerated, leaving him behind.

With a respectable distance between them and Daphne's father, who was still running after them, but quickly falling behind, Liam sat on his ass soundly; breathing rapidly and bringing a palm over his heart, as if afraid he might have a heart attack. "I'm too old for this shit."

* * *

Justin plucked down on the twin bed he would share with Daphne, hoping up and down on it, and checking the pillows for fluffiness. It wasn't a five star hotel, but it beat sleeping in the car any day.

"So… are you and Jake a couple?" Daphne asked.

"What gave you that idea?" Justin replied confused.

"Oh come on! You two are obviously attracted to each other. Not to mention he almost popped a vein when you told him you would share the room with me instead of him."

"He did, didn't he?" Justin laughed.

"Yeah. I am positive this whole "lets sleep at a hotel" thing was just a way to get into a genuine bed with you. So, how come you haven't hooked up yet? I mean, you like him too right?"

"Yeah… I dunno…" Justin shrugged. "He is pretty hot."

"And a very nice guy." Daphne added.

Justin pretended to thoroughly check the hotel mirror. God, he needed a haircut.

"So…?" Daphne insisted.

"Jake is great. I just…"

"Spill it."

Justin sighed. "There is this guy…"

"Now this is getting interesting!" Daphne rubbed her palms together excited.

"There's not much to talk about really. It's over with him. I'll probably never see him again."

"Go on…" Daphne urged him.

Justin looked at her eager face and tried to put the whole messed up story into words. It proved very difficult, but half an hour later, Justin had at last shared it with someone besides his own mind, and Daphne was informed and looking a lot less hyped about it.

"He still might find the jersey and decide to follow you."

Justin scoffed. "I doubt that."

"Well, from what I've gathered… I don't think he meant those things he said at the park."

"And what makes you say that?"

"Look, he was just pressured and confused. And he sounds like he has some serious denial issues to work through. But other than that…" she looked around as if expecting the furniture to inspire a profound speech in defense of Brian. "You were his first and all. He can't have just gotten over you in a day."

"I don't know…" he sighed. "I keep replaying everything in my head and coming up with a million reasons why he said those things… Making excuses for him and telling myself that he didn't mean it. But what if it is all just wishful thinking and I keep obsessing over a guy who doesn't care even a little bit?"

"What does Adam think?"

"I haven't told him anything."

"You should. He's your best friend, it's only fair."

Justin shrugged "Telling him would make the whole Brian turning me down without a second thought issue more painfully acknowledgeable, you know?"

"I still think you should tell him. He has to know you are head over heels in love with this Brian."

"I am not head over heels with him!" Justin exclaimed annoyed.

"Yeah right."

"Will you please stop disagreeing with me over everything?"

"You mean that if this very door opened right now, and Brian came through it, you wouldn't run into his arms?"

"Maybe…" Justin sighed. "Or I might just slap him. I've been meaning to do that forever."

Daphne laughed. "So, what are you going to do now?"

"I have no idea… The one thing I do know, is that I want to put Brian Kinney behind me. I'm sick and tired of thinking of him every day. It doesn't lead to anything."

"Well, if that's the case… You know what they say. The only way to get over a love is to find a new one."

"For the last time: I am not in love with Brian!"

"Ok, ok, if you say so… I'm telling you though, in love or not, the only way to stop thinking of him is to fuck someone else. Jake would be more than happy to help you with that." She giggled.

"Oh then I should just _use_ Jake?"

"You wouldn't be using him!" she exclaimed heatedly. "As long as you explain to him that you don't want a relationship or anything, you are covered. He doesn't seem like the relationship type to me anyway."

"You got that right…"

"See? And anyway, he wants you-desperately I might add, and I've only known him for half a day. Just tell me… aren't you dying to know what it would be like to have sex with him?"

"I may have thought about it once or twice…" he admitted finally.

"I knew it!"

"Anyway, it is not that simple. We are in the same band; things might get awkward between us."

"You know that is just a flimsy excuse just as much as I know it." Daphne contradicted him. "And anyway, what is not simple? You sleep with him and get the sex you so clearly need..."

"Thanks…" Justin replied sarcastically.

"Don't interrupt me, I was making a point here." Daphne told him annoyed.

"Fine. Go on."

"What was I saying?"

"Something about me being clearly sex-deprived."

"Oh, yeah. So, I was saying, _you_ get to have sex, _Jake_ gets to have sex, you _both_ get to know what it's like and if it might work between you two. And if it doesn't, it won't make a difference, because you will have explained everything beforehand. It's a win-win situation." She declared grinning.

"But…."

"Stop it. My plan is impeccable."

"Fine… God, you have it all figured out in your little head haven't you?"

"A woman's thinking my friend. You've been missing out on it." she told him.

"It's no wonder I'm gay. Women's minds are plain evil." He replied jokingly.

"Fuck you!" she laughed and threw a pillow his way half-heartedly. "You would be lucky to have me!"

"What are you guys laughing about?" Adam asked, entering the room.

"It's a secret." Daphne whispered, putting her index finger on her lips.

"Ok, whatever you two have been drinking, I want in on it."

Justin looked at Daphne knowingly, before asking Adam "So, to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?"

"I came to tell you to get ready for the gig. We have to get going soon." Adam answered, still looking between the two of them baffled.

* * *

It turned out to be one of their best gigs to date. Justin was trying hard not to think about Brian at all, and was actually succeeding beautifully. Although, Daphne's speech had made Jake's behavior, that screamed he wanted to be with him, all the more obvious to Justin. As they were singing together, sharing a microphone, with Jake's lips inches away from him, Justin couldn't help but wonder if Daphne was right. Maybe that's all he needed to get over Brian. A man who actually wanted _him_ no glitches and no questions asked.

He had found himself with Jake sprawled across the bed in the room he shared with Daphne about an hour after the gig had ended. They were laughing and having a good time, and Justin figured that this is how it is supposed to be: easy, no drama and doubting and always looking behind your shoulder to make sure no one was watching. Jake was older and mature –well as much as Jake could be considered mature – and he knew what he wanted from his life. Maybe he was just had the doctor had prescribed.

"Hey, take a look at this." Jake told him, pulling a joint from his back pocket.

"Where did you get it?"

"Around… You want a hit?"

"Sure."

Jake lighted and after inhaling deeply once, passed the joint on to Justin. "You know we might not even have enough food to eat most days, but all these parties… there is everything a man might need to get high."

Justin laughed at that. "Ever wonder if people just like listening to us because they are too high? Or too drunk?"

"No. It's because we are awesome." Jake replied confidently, taking the joint back. He let his fingers linger a bit too much on Justin's palm. "Plus we are hot."

"Good to see you are modest."

Jake smiled but didn't add anything. They shared the joint in silence for a minute or two, Justin feeling increasingly more relaxed. He knew it had less to do with the weed, and much more to do with being in the same room with Jake.

"Daphne says we should fuck."

Jake chocked a bit on his own spit, and started coughing harshly. "You and Daphne? I didn't know you play for both teams."

"No you idiot. You and me."

"Well, Daphne's a smart girl."

Justin contemplated him for a while. "So what do _you_ think?"

"I take it that is a rhetorical question, and the answer won't make a difference right?"

"It might very well make a difference, depending on what you'll say." Justin informed him.

"Are you hitting on me?" Jake asked amused.

"Forget about it." Justin replied, moving a bit away from him.

"Wait." Jake caught his hand. "Let me try something."

He tilted Justin's head up a little, and brought his lips slowly down on the boy's mouth, all the while looking at him closely, ready to stop the minute Justin would say so. Justin found his eyes closing immediately, his mouth opening with ease. As the kiss deepened and he moved on top of Jake, straddling his lap, he could still see Brian behind his eyelids, but the image was becoming increasingly blurry and fading away.

He stopped and pulled away to look at Jake. "Before anything happens, let's make one thing straight: no strings attached ok?"

"Straight is a weird way of putting it."

"I'm serious." Justin looked at him intently. "There will be no awkwardness, no expectations… I love this band, I don't want to see us turning into the Beetles."

"I'm pretty sure they didn't break up because Paul was sleeping with John you know…" Jake replied.

"Can you stop joking for a second?"

"Fine…" Jake sighed. "No strings attached. Now stop talking." He said pulling Justin closer to him.

Jake proved enough to almost abolish any thought of Brian from Justin's mind that night.

Almost.

* * *

He didn't know what he expected to hear when he put the record on. Maybe that it would be Justin's voice that greeted him or some shit, however impossible. But Trip's singer was definitely not him.

A couple hours later, having listened to the demo, he got why Adam liked this band so much. There was room for improvement, but some songs were pretty cool. There was this sick drum solo on track 5 that Brian's fingers itched to grab the brackets and perform for himself. So he did.

Brian could not believe he hadn't practiced the drums in so long. Getting reacquainted with his drum set was seriously liberating, especially with all the pent-up frustration. He could just beat the brackets hard and everything seemed to disappear.

He didn't care about what that git Adam thought about guitars and bases. It was the drums that set the rhythm, that made a song come to life. Raw hard sounds and loud noise that cut through to your soul.

The minute he would stop, the loud voices coming from the living room would pierce his ears. Saint Joan and her loving husband arguing about some thing or other. Brian didn't care. It always was the same damn bull crap.

But here, locked in his room, he could just ignore everything, feel the beat of the drums, his body shaking and his head moving in tempo. The muscles of his arms and feet were strained, burning with the sudden movements of the last few hours. The sun was descending in the sky, painting the surrounding little houses with their white picket fences and perfectly mowed lawn in orange and pink but Brian, his back turned to the window, didn't notice.

It was late at night when he stopped. He stopped the record, and put on a shirt to protect himself from the chill coming from the window. The arguing from downstairs had ceased, and Brian made his way to the kitchen to eat something.

Joan was sitting in front of the TV, oblivious to the dramas of the soap opera characters unfolding in it. She was clutching a bottle of cooking cherry wine, and falling asleep on the chair. The fingerprint-shaped bruises on her wrist didn't seem to bother her anymore, but they were enough to make Brian lose his appetite completely. He didn't even know if they were new or not.

"Brian…" she called out to him. "Why aren't you at school?"

"It's not morning. And it's a Sunday." he said, sitting in the old couch next to her armchair. The blond bimbo in the TV was crying her pretty eyes out, ranting about the treacherous ways of men, her makeup remaining flawless.

"What? Didn't you go to church today?" he asked, concentrating on the TV, not willing to stomach the sight of whatever else marks were visible on the few uncovered parts of her body.

"Oh… yes, yes I did…" she slurred. "Father Tony delivered the most wonderful preach today, about how God is omnipotent and always watching over his children… You should come next Saturday, you haven't been with me to Mass in so long…"

"I am busy." He said as an easy excuse, watching the sequence on the screen with little interest.

"You always are…" she sighed. "One would think you are the adult in this house, with all those things that keep you busy…"

"I am the adult in this house." He replied. "The adult is the one who takes care of everything right?"

"Such sharp tongue…." She answered, smiling slightly even through her scolding look. "Pride is a sin Brian, remember that."

"What isn't?" he murmured, but she didn't notice, or she decided not to comment. The woman in the television was now having a heated, tearful argument with a tall ebony-haired man, who Brian could have sworn must be cheating on her with another man, whatever the delusional housewives were thinking. "Where is Claire?"

"Out… with her friends… You are all always out somewhere…no one spends any time in the house anymore… Father Tony was talking last Sunday about the importance of family union, how families should all gather around the dinner table like old times… But no one cares about that anymore…"

Brian suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Yeah that was really the root of their problem. They weren't gulping down gallons of food together every day.

"That Taylor woman was asking around about her son today again." she went on. "Such a sad story… But what could anyone expect? She and her husband are getting a divorce after all… It's no wonder her son ended up the way he did. It's all over the news… All these poor children, always products of broken homes…"

"Why are _your_ children so messed up then mom?" he asked scathingly.

"You are so much like your father… He always ridicules me too." Was her only response, before focusing on the TV again.

Brian felt like he was chocking. Every extra single moment he spent in this house was like another bullet to the head. He thought of the drums and the booze he had hidden under his bed, a mix from everything in his father's cabinet. It was the Kinney way after all.

In two weeks he would leave everything behind. He had made his arrangements with Robbie, the happy hippy. The very same day he graduated from high school they would be leaving. They would search for Trip, but even if Brian never found them, or Justin either, there was no way he was coming back.

If he did find Justin… He had no formed plan in his mind for that. He'd have to wait and see what happened.

Justin will most likely laugh at his face the second he sees him. He will smile brilliantly the way only he knows how to, and ask why Brian came after him. He will say that Brian must be really pretty pathetic to have gone looking for an old flame, and that he had only left that message on the jersey to say goodbye.

But Brian was willing to take that risk. If that's the way things turned out, and he was very certain that they would, Brian will gather what pride and dignity he has left and find a way to survive on his own. At least he will be far away from here.

The bimbo on the TV and the black-haired man were now kissing passionately, reuniting and forgiving each other for every fault of the past, laughing and hugging and swearing to love each other for all eternity.

* * *

A/N: title is from Far beyond the wheel, by Soundgarden

Thank you to Lupin 111, for helping me out.

and to anyone who reviewed on the last chapter.

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	13. since I don't have you

A/N: I know I'm late but, this chapter is almost double the usual length so… forgive me?

Thanks for your reviews and support of this story guys.

And of course a million thank yous and baskets of chocolates are sent over to Lupin111 via the mental post office.

* * *

**Since I don't have you**

Waking up next to a warm body was something Justin could definitely get used to. He got up from the bed though, as the morning sun was illuminating the small hotel room through the window, and started looking for his clothes which were scattered around the place, careful not to wake Jake up. He didn't want to give him the wrong idea. The night before had been great, and to say he had enjoyed himself would have been an understatement, but it didn't change his situation in the least, no matter what Daphne had said. The first thing that had come to mind, as soon as he had opened his eyes, was Brian and how they had never gotten the chance to wake up together in bed.

Justin sighed. He really was a pathetic excuse for a man, wasn't he? Here he was, in the same room with a wonderful guy he had spent the night with, and all his thoughts kept revolving around his teenage crush.

He picked up his jeans from the floor and hastily put them on. It dawned on him that they had been pretty damn lucky not to be interrupted by Daphne yesterday. Where could she have possibly been the whole night? Maybe she slept in Adam's room?

Just as he was putting his belt around his waist, his musings were interrupted by a newly-awakened Jake.

"What's the rush?" Jake asked him from the bed, squinting against the blinding sun.

"Someone from the band might come in."

"So?"

Justin ignored him and started putting on his shoes, while his gaze searched all around the room for his top. The investigation proved fruitless.

"Have you seen my shirt?"

"What will I get if I tell you were it is?" Jake smiled. Since Justin did not respond, Jake pointed towards the open window. The aforementioned garment was on the windowsill, half in, half out the room. Justin grabbed it and closed the window annoyed. God, they really had not given a rat's ass about privacy last night, had they?

"You don't have to make it that painfully clear to me you know." Jake commented.

"I don't know what you are talking about." Justin told him, pulling the shirt over his head.

"You. And your whole "no strings attached" policy. I get it. You don't have to leave."

"What would _you_ suggest then?"

"Come here." Jake said, staring with obvious lust.

As soon as Justin moved closer to the bed, Jake caught his waistband, and pulled him closer. He moved to a sitting position on the bed, the sheet pulling around his bend legs, in stark contrast to his olive skin. "Just because we're not "together" doesn't mean we can't have fun right?" he grinned and kissed the side of Justin's face.

"Well, no… no it doesn't mean anything like that…" Justin confirmed, starting to like the way Jake's mind worked.

"Good…" Jake murmured, kissing lower on the other's neck and collarbone. He pulled up Justin's shirt, head moving lower, towards his chest, over his right nipple, down lower to his stomach.

Just then, the door opened soundly, and Justin cursed his luck and his goddamned intuition.

Liam paused, an arm carelessly thrown around Daphne's shoulders, and took the whole scene in. His eyes focused on Jake, his bare form and the position he was assuming on the bed in front of Justin.

"I think half my brain cells just died."

"Fuck!" Jake exclaimed, pulling the sheet around himself and getting a respectable distance away from the teen. "We were just…"

"That's your goddamn business man." Liam interrupted him, his hands hovering in front of his face, as if to protect himself from the slaughter of mentally challenged puppies or some other shocking sight of the sort. "I _really_ don't want to fucking know."

"I do!" Daphne said, looking between the three of them enthusiastically.

"In that case… I'll wait outside." Liam gave her a peck on the lips and left, his face turned away from the other two, not daring to look at them.

"What happened just now?" Justin asked her confused, as the door closed behind her and Jake started looking around for his clothes.

"What? Am I not entitled to some good time too?" she winked at him suggestively.

"But when… how…?"

"Last night" she shrugged. "We talked all night long" she started, sounding like she had just found her modern day Romeo "and we have so much in common, it's amazing…"

"_You and Liam_ have a lot in common?"

"Yes _asshole_. Me and Liam."

"He sure has started to rub off on you…" he noted. "Your father won't be pleased with that language."

"Well then, he can suck a cock."

"Apparently everyone else but me can." Jake murmured, from somewhere in Justin's vicinity.

* * *

After their gig that same night, they checked out of their rooms early on Monday, refreshed from their brief stay at the hotel, and hit the road back to Daphne's hometown, to perform their last show there.

"I'm sorry I'm going to miss your birthday" Daph told Justin before the gig.

"It's ok. It's not like we'll never talk to each other again." he reassured her.

"You can count on that. Liam promised me he'll call, and you better do too. It'll be nice to talk to someone when I'll be grounded for life."

"Will your parents give you a really hard time?"

"They'll get over it… eventually… I hope."

After they were done, they packed all the equipment and prepared to leave, but getting Liam and Daph to break their lip lock proved no easy task. She said her goodbyes, and walked home to what felt like her eminent doom- to her at least.

"Man…" Liam said them, as they were hurdled in the back of the truck, while Jake drove away. "She really is something different, that girl…"

"Yeah she has two legs and a head." Adam commented.

"Don't forget the tits." Steve added, snickering.

"Fuck you guys. Don't talk about her like that." Liam replied annoyed.

"You'll see her again Liam." Justin consoled him. "Soon."

* * *

"Justin." Adam whispered. "Those cops are looking at you funny."

They were in a mini market, picking up some food and other stuff they all needed. Liam in particular had given them a long list of specific chocolate bars and potato chips, and had insisted that they stick to it, and not dare make a mistake.

"Shit." Justin looked at them anxiously. One of them was looking down at a piece of paper he was holding in his hands. Justin guessed it was his picture. Why did his mother have to file a missing person's report?

Justin stole another glance at the cops, weighing his options. They were both in their late 40's, both plump and tired looking. He figured he could easily outrun them, if he acted quickly.

"Ok, you go toward the registry, and I'll try to leave. Don't do anything weird, just… behave normally ok?"

Adam nodded and took all the groceries in his arms.

Justin pretended to look at a collection of soaps and shampoos. In his peripheral vision he could see one of the men starting to move toward him slowly.

His heart was beating faster by the second, but he kept his cool, walking toward the exit calmly. _Not now. Not fucking now. I turn 18 in less than a week._

He could sense the cop quickening his pace, so he did too. A moment later he broke into a sprint. "Adam!" he yelled.

The other boy left everything on the registry, and rushed to open the door and get out.

Justin hurriedly grabbed a stand filled with dog-food and brought it down on the floor. It crashed down, dry food and tins of meat creating a mess, that might have caused the store manager to let out an angry scream, but also served as enough distraction as the cop slipped and landed on his bum. Justin leapt forward and through the door, just as the second cop started chasing after them.

Adam closed the door behind them, and they ran like there was a horde of the undead behind them- or even worse, pop music fans.

* * *

"Did you see their faces when I did my solo?" Adam was saying a couple days later.

"Yeah. You blew them away. You were amazing." Justin confirmed sincerely in awe. Liam had a point nicknaming Adam "Sick Skills". The kid could play the guitar, that was for sure.

"Amazing? I was a freaking rock god. Don't sell me short."

They made their way inside the house that had served as their guest room for the past two nights- the owner, Brady, was another one of Jake's seemingly endless source of helpful fuck-buddies.

"You have got to show me how you did that thing in the end." Justin pleaded with him. He searched around for his guitar, but it was nowhere to be found. "Hey, Brady. Did you put my guitar somewhere else? I'm sure I left it on the couch."

"Steve has it." Brady told him absent-mindedly, looking away from the poker game he was having with Jake. "Ask him."

Justin and Adam found Steve in the kitchen, staring off in space. He was most certainly high, and it took him a couple of minutes to respond to his name being called.

"Your guitar? I…" he looked up at Justin and laughed a little, trying to focus on the boy. "Oh yeah… I took it to the pawn shop this morning…"

"You did _**what**_?" Justin exclaimed, his temper going through the roof.

"I needed some cash man… You'll get it back."

"This is fucked up." Adam murmured.

"What do you mean I'll get it back?" Justin yelled at him, trying to snap him out of his trance. "You sold _my_ _fucking guitar_?"

His yelling caught the others' attention, and Jake, Liam and Brady all came into the room to see what was going on.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Justin continued yelling, fueled more by the man's unresponsiveness.

"What happened?" Jake asked, looking alarmed between the two.

"Your prick friend sold _my_ guitar to get his fix, that's what happened!" Justin exclaimed. "Motherfucker!" he yelled at Steve again, waving a hand in front of his face to get him to look at him. "Go get my guitar back right NOW!"

"I told you, you'll get it back! Why are you being such a tight ass? Jeez…"

Jake caught Justin around the waist before he had the chance to make Steve's face brand new. "Easy, easy…"

"_You_ take it the fuck easy! You still have _your_ guitar!"

"And so will you!" Jake told him, trying to sound soothing. "Steve will go get it back before we leave town, right Steve?"

"Yeah, as soon as we get paid tomorrow…"

"Oh great! That's going to be just fine then?" Justin asked. "Until you decide to sell something else the next time you want to get high?"

"Relax, Jus. He'll get it back." Jake tried once again.

"And what am I supposed to play with at the gig tomorrow? My dick?"

"You can have my spare guitar…" Adam did his best to appease the spirits.

"See? It's not a problem…" Jake told him, still holding him close by the waist.

Justin scoffed and slithered out of his grasp. "Yeah, not a problem at all" he replied sarcastically, and with one last disgusted look at Steve, got out of the house alone.

As he was playing with Adam's spare the next day, he tried very hard not to grab the microphone and make Steve eat it. Instead he put all his anger into his singing, and the results were explosive: it was certainly their best gig ever, but Justin could not even enjoy it.

The next evening, when Adam came to call him back to Brady's house – he had taken to having long walks by himself, keeping away from Steve as long as possible- Justin followed him with a heavy heart.

He was surprised to see them all standing around a cheap-looking cake, with 18 lit candles on it. He had forgotten it was his birthday today.

He felt his anger fading for the first time in days. Adam hugged him tightly, wishing him a happy birthday, and whispered "You are the best friend I ever had. Even if you are a twat sometimes." And really, how could Justin not grin widely after hearing that?

Next were Jake and Liam, both with inappropriate jokes about how he was now officially an adult, and Brady, who even though had only talked to him for a total amount of 20 or so minutes, still wished him all the best.

Steve moved forward awkwardly, holding Justin's guitar in one hand, and handed it over with a quiet "Happy birthday."

Justin gave him a half-smile, not really over the whole guitar incident, but willing to let go of it for now.

He stood in front of the cake, laughing a little. On the cake was written "Rock on Justin" –in what was most certainly Adam's writing. His attempt at cake decorating with whipped cream could not by any standards be called successful. Still, it made Justin feel that extra bit warm inside, just knowing that he had tried. He hugged him again and gave him a kiss on the cheek, just for the heck of it.

"Make a wish." Jake told him.

Justin took a big breath and blew the candles all out, among cheering and clapping.

His smile turned a tad cold, as he realized he had wished he could see Brian again.

* * *

The next week passed in a blur. Justin was feeling increasingly safer now that he knew there would be no more cops after him. It was somewhat unsettling though, knowing that he was an adult, that there could be no more excuses and running back to mommy and daddy to make everything ok. Then again, he had started counting on his parents a long time ago.

"This is it then." Jake told him. "Our big chance."

It was the long awaited gig- the one they all had been thinking of this whole month. The night they'd meet with the record company producer Steve had convinced to watch them perform.

Justin crossed his fingers. The others started moving towards the stage, but Jake pulled him behind by the hem of his shirt. He kissed him deeply for a long minute, closing his eyes tightly, as if focusing his whole energy into a gravity point, that was Justin.

"Jake…" Justin started.

"Don't freak out. Just for good luck ok?"

"OK…" he sighed. "Good luck. To us all."

When the show was over, Justin walked off stage with a confident grin. They had been awesome; there was no doubt about it. If the guy did not sign them right this instance, he had to be a raging lunatic.

"That was phenomenal!" the producer told them, between drinks at the bar, while some other band played on stage. "Very, very good guys."

"So…" Steve decided to cut to the chase. "What do you think? Do we have a shot?"

"Sure thing Steve." The guy smiled at him. "I'd just like to talk to my friend Justin here for 5 minutes." He put a hand over Justin's shoulder, like an old acquaintance. "Alone."

"Oh… oh, ok…" Steve said confused. "Sure…"

Justin let himself be guided out of the bar, not really knowing what to expect. They came to a halt outside the bar's doors, still able to hear the muffled music coming from inside.

The guy took out a cigar and offered one to Justin. He politely declined and kept looking at him, waiting to find out the reason they had to talk alone, without the rest of the band present.

"I _love_ your look." The guy informed him. "You really got something going on there, kid. Something we can both make loads of cash from."

Justin nodded, not really knowing what would be an appropriate response.

"I mean, there are lots of singers in rock bands out there but you" the man waved his index finger "you are something different. Something new."

"So, you liked our music…" Justin stated, doubtful.

"Oh, yeah… yeah the music is fine. But I'm talking image here, Justin. The connection with the public. You got that. You got that… that… that _thing _that everyone wants."

"I don't understand…"

"Presence." The man explained. "Sex appeal."

Justin looked on, getting more puzzled by the minute.

"You can do great things, you must know that." the producer went on. "I have those other kids ready. A drummer, a bassist. Great kids, talented. They're just waiting for a good vocalist. Together you could be the next big thing, I swear."

"But… I already have a band."

The man laughed at that. "Why yes of course. But what is your future with them really?"

"I don't… I don't understand" Justin insisted. "I thought you were a friend of Steve's."

"I am!" he exclaimed. "Of course I am. And Steve is a great guy. But let's face it… he's a junky. And the rock scene already has enough of those, you know. I want _you_."

"Why?" Justin asked again, unable to fully grasp the meaning of the other's words. "I don't…" he sighed. "Adam is a better guitarist. And Jake has a better voice. And…"

"Yes, but do they look as good?" he interrupted Justin. "The music industry is a business. It's advertisement. And what sells more than a pretty face? Nothing" he answered his own question. " You, my lovely Justin" he brought the back of his palm on top of the teen's cheek "you have a million dollar face. You say yes…" he moved a bit closer, and Justin felt sick to his stomach at the proximity "and I'll have you signed by tomorrow. So, what do you say?"

Justin took a step back. Just a little over a month ago, he had been so eager to get out of that shithole of a town, that awful life, that he would have given anything to have that. He might have even taken up on the man's offer, if it meant a way for him to earn enough money to get by on his own. If it meant he wouldn't have to spend any more time in what used to be his home.

But now he was not alone. He could not think only for himself. He had people relying on him, just as much as he relied on them. And he was not going to disappoint them.

"I say, you take you contract and shove it. And I think you won't have a problem figuring out where."

* * *

Justin returned inside the bar a while later, walking on unsteady feet. He wasn't ready to face the others, but he knew he might well never be ready, so now was as good a time as any.

"So what happened?" Steve asked, as soon as he spotted him.

"Yeah, what did he say?" Adam asked anxious.

Justin ordered a drink before answering. "The job fell through."

"What…" Liam blinked, unsettled. "What do you mean?"

"It fell through. He says we don't have what he's looking for."

"What the fuck did you do?" Steve exclaimed getting up from his chair.

"What the fuck do you mean what the fuck did _I_ do?" Justin replied heatedly. "The guy is a total dickhead. _I_ didn't do _anything_."

"It was done business! He was this close to getting us a record!" Steve insisted.

"If you think that, you really are delusional." Justin scoffed, downing his drink.

Jake interjected before Steve could respond. "It's ok. It's ok. Everything is fine."

"How the hell is everything fine?" Steve asked exasperated. Justin ordered another drink, unable to look any of them in the eye.

"Because of the rock fest. We still have the rock fest. There are going to be lots of managers and company people there."

"What rock fest…?" Justin asked, never having heard of that before.

"While you were out, came this woman… she said she was an organizer of this rock festival, and she invited us to play there. It is a huge opportunity!"

"That's great Jake…" he said, not really believing it. "Do you want to get out of here?" He asked Adam, needing to talk the incident over with someone. At least Adam would understand.

The next day he found out Steven had pitched a fit. He had argued over the subject with Jake and Liam for hours, and had demanded that Justin and Adam leave the band. Liam told them Jake had said there was no way they'd be forced to leave, that they were as big a part of the band as any of them. Steve had left the bar cursing.

They had found him in the morning, sleeping on the pavement. It took him more than usual to recover.

* * *

Brian was sitting on the uncomfortable plastic chair, waiting for his name to be called, among other graduate students. He hadn't been in the mood to attend, but Lisa had insisted, and he was so nervous about his immediate departure after the ceremony that he had agreed to go anyway, just so that he wouldn't have to wait by himself.

He thought of his duffel bag, waiting back at home, containing what he had deemed most valuable. He had planned everything with Robbie. They would be leaving just a little after the graduation ceremony was over, so that everyone would be too busy celebrating to notice. With a little bit of luck, he wouldn't have to see his parents before leaving town.

He heard his name and moved onto the stage to receive his degree from Mr. Dawson. Sitting back down next to Lisa, clutching his diploma, he looked at her. She was beaming with excitement, ready to leave highschool behind and dive headfirst into her promising future.

What would be his future, he had no idea. The next month was planned out, involving lots of driving and sleeping in the car. The hunt of Trip was going to make him travel around to god knows where. They couldn't have picked a better name.

"Taylor, Justin." Dawson called out. When no one came to receive the diploma, he put it back on the table and proceeded.

Even with Lisa next to him, Brian felt out of place, among all the happy families. Parents hugging their sons and daughters, proud to welcome them into the adult world. His own parents had not considered it important to attend.

As the event was coming to an end, he started moving towards the professors who were all gathered in front of the hastily made stage, relieved to bid another school year goodbye.

"Mr. Dawson." He tapped the man on the shoulder. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Dawson cut short the discussion he was having with an elder teacher, apologized to her and followed Brian a few feet away, so that they could speak in private.

"Yes Brian?"

"I was wondering… what will happen to Taylor's and White's diplomas?"

"Well… they will remain in the principal's office, since no one came to claim them. They can get them any time they want."

Brian hesitated. "I think I will be seeing them both soon."

"Oh… what makes you say that? Do you know where they are?"

"I have a vague idea…" Brian replied. "I thought maybe I could get their degrees for them?"

"I don't know Brian… It's not usual procedure…" Dawson looked at him closer. "If you really know where they are, you should tell Justin's mom…"

"I'm sure Taylor doesn't want to be found. And he is legally an adult by now… At least I think so…"

" Yes, yes he is. His birth date is on the degree…"

"Listen, if I meet him… I'll try to make him call or figure things out with his mother, I don't know… But still, ratting him out to her won't make any difference. He'll just run away again."

"OK. Ok, you can take them. Promise me they will reach Justin's and Adam's hands?"

"I promise."

Dawson went to get the diplomas and handed them over. Brian held them, together with his own, and with a curt nod, started to make his way out of the school.

He was brought to a stop by Lisa, and cursed his luck. He wasn't in a position to face her right now.

"Here you are!" she stood on her toes and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I've been looking everywhere for you. I have great news!"

"Really?" he asked uninterested. Robbie must be waiting for him already at the record store.

"I heard the board of the school is retrieving your expulsion from the team! My mom is on the board, and she told me they had a meeting yesterday, talked over it the whole way through. They agreed Coach Garibaldi was not right to make you leave the team." She went on excitedly.

Her smile faded after a while at the boy's unresponsiveness. "Brian, don't you get it? You are still eligible for a scholarship! Granted it is a bit late, but my mom told me they will do their best so that you will have a shot."

"I don't care about the scholarship." Brian admitted.

"You don't… what are you talking about? This is your dream! It always has been!"

"Not anymore. Look Lisa, I have to go. I'll talk to you later." He started moving away, but felt a hand on his shoulder.

"You're leaving aren't you?" she looked like all her hopes had shuddered into a million pieces. "You're going after him."

He hushed her and looked worriedly around. Fortunately no one seemed to have noticed her exclamation. "I'm just going to go back to the house. I'm tired."

"Don't lie to me. I know you. I knew you… I always knew you were in love with him… I just didn't want to admit it." She continued in a calmer voice now.

"How…?" he asked her. How could she know something he had not been able to tell himself up till now? Something he didn't even know if it was true.

"I just knew. By the way you looked at him. You were always looking at him. I'd have to be blind not to see it."

"Lisa I…" he started to say, but she interrupted him with her lips on his. Brian decided to let her have that kiss, just this once deciding to do something not driven out of his own selfish desires.

She leaned on his embrace, and took a long quivering breath, seemingly ready to cry. After a few seconds, she recomposed herself, and took a step back, her face cold and expressionless. "Have a nice life Brian."

Before he could respond, she had walked away.

* * *

Travelling with Robbie was good fun. He could certainly use some proper driving lessons, and eloquence was not his forte, not to mention it had become clear from day one that Brian was expected to pay for almost everything- and the money he had so meticulously gathered the past 3 years doing various summer jobs, was feeling it- but Robbie was a nice guy, with a good nature and always willing to share his meal- and his weed. All in all, he liked the guy. Although he wasn't going to tell him that of course.

A good example of that would be right now: they were hanging out on a beach, a big crackling fire keeping them warm, sharing a joint. Brian lay down on the sand, and stared into the fire, forming smoke-rings with his lips and watching them float up towards the star filled sky.

He had spent years trying to teach Hobbs how to do that trick, but the other teen had failed miserably. He really was useless. Then again, Brian had always been infinitely more skillful with his mouth than Hobbs could ever hope to be.

Since they had first started hanging out, back when they were 14, Hobbs would come over at his house with a couple cigarettes stolen from his mother's purse and practice what –for him- seemed an unattainable achievement.

"_This is so fucking hard." Chris said from his place on the bed._

"_Rome was not built in a day. Try again." Brian told him absentmindedly. He was sitting on the windowsill, doing his daily ritual of watching Justin from the open window. _

_Justin was playing the guitar, stopping once in a while to get blond hair out of his eyes. The bright sun coming from his own open window, cascaded him into its light, and Brian could swear the boy would soon sprung wings and fly away. _

"_It's impossible" Chris groaned. _

"_Here." Brian got the cigarette and showed him again. "Like this."_

_He walked back to the windowsill and stole another glance at the teen in the opposite house. Ever since Justin had bought the guitar, Jack had been complaining non-stop about the neighbors' kid and his persistence at practicing at ungodly hours. _

_Brian smiled to himself. In two weeks, Justin didn't seem to have learned much, even though he practiced every day._

_Veronica, Brian's girlfriend of the week played the guitar. Now __**she could**__**play**__. She had blond hair too, and blue eyes. Brian could stare at her for hours._

_It had been a warm all morning, and the temperature was only increasing as the day progressed. Doors and windows were open in every house, in an attempt to lure the non-existent breeze. It served Brian just right. Justin had his window open and the drapes pulled to the side._

_**Come on. Look up. Look at me**__._

_As if hearing his unspoken request, the boy lifted his head and looked straight at him. Brian quickly hid behind the wall._

_God. Stupid. What the hell was he thinking? Like there was any way Justin had not noticed._

_He decided to play it cool. He leaned forward again and looked at the blond. _

_Justin stared back at him, a bit confused. After a while he gave him a little wave, and Brian felt like the luckiest bastard on earth. He smiled and waved back. Justin smiled at him too, but soon he turned pale, looking at something behind Brian's shoulder._

"_Hey Taylor. Nice evening." Chris called out. "Maybe you should stop hitting those strings and do your homework. Don't you have __**a paper due tomorrow**__?" With a self-satisfied grin, he closed the window without asking and turned to Brian. "What are you doing talking to that loser?"_

"_He lives next door. I can't exactly ignore him."_

"_Well you should, if you want to make it to the team next year." Chris sat back down on the bed, folding his legs under him. "Don't you know he is a fag?"_

"_How do you know?"_

"_**Everyone**__ in school knows. Just don't talk to him again." He tried to do a smoke-ring again. "How is that? Any better?"_

"_No." Brian turned back to the window. The room across him was now obscured by burgundy drapes. "You're not getting any better."_

_He could still hear the broken sounds of a guitar in the distance._

"Kid. Hey kid!"

Robbie's voice brought him back to the present. "It's Brian. Not "kid""

"Fine" Robbie shrugged. "Where were you just now? I asked you if you wanted to eat something and you just kept staring into the fire with your mouth open like a retard."

"Fuck off. Keep your dinner, I'm not hungry."

"You'll be the one famished later…" Robbie shrugged. "So are you and Adam… you know… together?"

"What? No! Why would you think that?"

"I don't know…. You're gay… He's gay… You're all… _gay_."

"I'm not…"

"Oh _come on_! Who are you trying to fool here?" Robbie interrupted him. "It's fine by me. Whatever floats your boat man. I happen to prefer my partners with a bit more cleavage, if you get my drift, but it's ok. Although…" Robbie contemplated it for a while "There was that one time back in Woodstock… I woke up one morning, and felt this weird pull… And my ass burned for a week…"

Brian started laughing loud at that.

"He laughs ladies and gentlemen!" Robbie proclaimed to the world. "He is human after all!"

"Yeah, I guess he is." Brian confirmed.

"So, not Adam… Maybe that other kid that's always with him? Je…Jeremiah?"

"Justin." Brian corrected him, moving to a sitting position and kindling the fire with a few twigs.

"He's cute. If you're into that." Robbie stated, nodding in understanding.

Brian just kept looking at the fire, not responding.

* * *

"You are going to looooove me man"

Brian lifted an eyebrow unimpressed. Almost a week had passed, with nothing more than random stops at gas stations and eating awful diner food. Brian had reasoned that they would catch up with Trip easily, considering the band must be travelling a lot slower than he and Robbie were, as they would probably be performing in the same town more than once, but up till now, the search had been futile.

"They are playing a gig here."

"What?" Brian put away his half-eaten donut and coffee that was getting cold. "When?"

"Tonight man! Come on, we've got to get going."

They entered the car, Brian's excitement growing. That is until Robbie turned the key in the engine, with no more satisfying results than a disappointing gurgling.

"You have got to be kidding me." Brian looked at the fuel indicator. "We're out of gas?"

"Ah…. Fuck"

"_Why _are we out of gas Robbie? I gave you money for it this morning!"

"I… forgot?" Robbie cringed.

Brian took a big breath, trying to keep his calm, and not snap at the _fucking goddamn loser_.

"Where was the nearest gas-station?"

"I don't know…. Few miles back?"

"Ok. Get the keys." Brian said, getting out of the car. "We're going to walk."

"Are you out of your mind? We can't walk all that way, it'll take all day." Robbie said, still behind the steering wheel.

Brian walked over to the driver's door and opened it forcefully. "Out. Now."

* * *

He walked quickly, not paying attention to Robbie, who had to run to keep up with him. His legs were killing him from the long walk to the gas station earlier, but there was no way he'd miss them again.

As he was about to enter the bar, he collided with a dirty-blond haired man, and was sent a couple feet back.

"Get out of my way asshole." The man yelled at him, pushing him even further back.

"Fuck you." Brian spared a glance at him, before being pushed back again from a couple more guys.

"Steve! Come back here!" one of them, a tall brunette with long hair yelled after the first man.

Brian, uninterested in the scene unfolding in front of him, walked past them and into the bar.

He looked around for a minute, taking in the smoke-filled establishment, the drunk teenagers head banging to the rhythm of the band playing on stage. He felt his feet even weaker, after realizing Justin was not among them.

"Hey." He tapped a leather-clad girl from the crowd. "Is that Trip? The band playing?"

"Wow, how stoned are you?" she giggled. Giving him the once-over, she decided he was worthy to talk to a little more. "_That_ is Knights of fucking Templar. _Trip_ played like… a couple of hours ago."

He moved over to the bar and ordered a double Jim Beam, where Robbie finally caught up with him. "So? Are they here?"

"No. We missed them. We would have caught up with them if _someone _had checked the gas this morning." He downed his drink quickly. "Fuck this. I better start looking for a job. We're never going to find them."

"A job?" Robbie shuddered. "Don't give up now. They can't have gone far."

"What do you suggest then? This was the last place we knew they were going to play."

"Look. I got this brochure…"

"Great. A brochure…" Brian scoffed bitterly.

"No, man wait. Look." He passed the piece of paper over. It was about some rock festival that would take place in a few days in a near-by city. "They might be there."

"The band name is not even on it."

"Will you stop being such a pessimist? If I know Adam…" he stopped at Brian doubtful look "Ok, I don't know him that well. But, from the little that I do know him, even if Trip isn't playing in that festival, he'd still want to go. He wouldn't miss it for the world. And where Adam goes, Justin goes, right?"

Brian resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Robbie had a point. It was their best shot.

* * *

They arrived at the festival late- as usual. Robbie had stalled trying to decide what to buy from the treasures of a street corner blanket crap emporium. When Brian had threatened he'd take the car and leave, Robbie had reluctantly followed. He did get a new red bandana and a sea-shell bracelet for Brian, as his way of apologizing for the whole gasoline incident. If they didn't make it this time either, Brian would expect something much more valuable than second-class jewelry.

He'd keep the cowrie bracelet though. It was kinda cool.

"All right! Now we're talking!" Robbie said excitedly looking around at the festival. Balloons with various band names were floating around, the sound of electric guitar driving people to a frantic dance.

"Robbie! Listen." He caught the man's forearm. "Are you listening?"

"Yes! What?" Robbie responded, continuing to look around with a big goofy smile on his face.

"We need to find Adam. You go that way, and I'll look closer to the stage ok?"

"Yeah, yeah ok…." He moved toward the general direction of where the boy had indicated.

Brian started making his way to the stage, and that's when he heard it. There was no mistaking it. He was sure it was Justin's voice he was hearing, and the realization made him move faster, pushing away strangers, till he got to a place with a clear view of the stage.

It was just the way he had thought it would be. The lights, the buzzing in his ears, Justin singing his heart out on stage, people moving to the rhythm of his voice. He wasn't prepared for the sense of dread in the pit of his stomach, for his knees to be about to give out and abandon him to be stepped over by the crowd.

He felt the urge to jump on the stage right there, and take Justin in his arms, kiss him like he had wanted to do that distant day in the park.

But the bloody nose he would surely receive as a reward, would definitely destroy the mood of the party.

So he settled for watching from afar, once more, not able to touch and feel.

After a while it became evident to him that Justin was struggling to keep the performance respectable. Their drummer really was for shit. He looked like he was on something. Probably more than one thing, since his coordination was nonexistent. Justin kept glancing back at him nervously, and all he did to distract everyone's attention couldn't have been enough.

After a couple more songs, and while the drummer was becoming even worse, Trip left the stage. Justin seemed to be arguing heatedly with the drummer, and Brian was left hanging, not knowing whether he should move forward and talk to him. He didn't have to think of it for long, because Justin, after sending a final "fuck you!" the drummer's way, ran into Brian, not paying attention to where he was going in his fury.

"Get off..." Justin's voice died in his throat when he looked up. "Brian?"

Brian opened his mouth to say something, hopefully something witty and cool but nothing came.

"What… what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to listen to some good music." _Nice_ _one Kinney. Idiot._

Justin looked back to the other band members who were arguing amongst themselves, and nervously passing his hand through his hair, took a quick decision. "Come with me."

A/N: the title is from Since I don't have you, by Guns n Roses *insert my obsession with Slash and Axl…right…about…_here_.*

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	14. hell's bells

A/N: does this really quick update, justify such a small chapter? Probably not….

Thanks for the reviews on chapter 13 guys.

* * *

**Hell's bells**

He let himself be dragged into the small dressing room labeled Trip. Justin let down his guitar and started clearing space, throwing away scattered music sheets and newspapers, and offered him a place to sit. Brian complied, and was left staring at the other teen. He didn't have time to feel out of place, cause Justin was doing a pretty good job at that himself. He was looking around the room worriedly, passing fingers through his hair, fidgeting, not able to sit down.

"You want something to drink?"

"I dunno" Brian shrugged. "What do you have?"

"Whisky and… um…" he let his gaze search the room once more "vodka" he said, showing him a bottle of clear liquid.

"That cheap-ass vodka is only suitable for preserving dead bugs in a museum."

"For a man on the road, you sure drink like a prince." Justin told him, swallowing a big swing from the bottle.

"After all those greasy fries and hamburgers, compromising on drinks too seems a bit extreme."

"I guess…" Justin drank a bit more, as if to gather courage, and wiped his mouth with the back of his palm.

Brian looked around the room, taking in the scattered clothes, the makeup in front of the cracked mirror, and the general mayhem of the dressing room. It seemed too small for 5 people.

"It's not much" Justin commented.

"It's fine" Brian lied easily. "Nice show out there by the way."

Justin snorted dismissively. "You don't have to be all kind and sympathetic. It was awful."

_You don't have to be all kind and sympathetic._ Jesus, how much of a prick did Justin consider him to be?

"_You _weren't awful."

Justin let out a sound that could be considered a thank you, and pulled out a cigarette from a pack lying conveniently close to him. "Do you mind?"

"No... go ahead."

"Shit…" the boy looked around for a lighter, but none was to be found.

"Here" Brian extended his hand, offering a box of matches he had bought that morning at the gas station. Justin moved closer to take it, briefly touching his palm, and lighted the match. It illuminated his features briefly, before he put it out.

"So, I take it you found my message." Justin asked, not moving away this time.

"Yeah. About three weeks ago."

Justin continued looking at him expectantly. Great Kinney. Now what? You got what you wanted. You have him right here. "Things got a little… complicated back home. I thought I'd travel around for a while… clear my head."

Justin nodded "So, why here of all places?"

Brian took the cigarette between his fingers without asking, and inhaled the heavy smoke. Really what was he supposed to do? What did Justin expect him to do? Get on his knees and ask for forgiveness? Couldn't he just, somehow, magically… get the point?

"It's as good a place as any. Besides, I told you, I wanted to…"

"You wanted to listen to good music?" Justin interrupted him, taking the cigarette back.

"Something like that."

"There are other places to listen to music." Justin commented, staring at him, as if wanting to crawl into his head and read every little thing written in there. "Probably better and certainly closer to where you were. What's the real reason?"

"Yeah but I…" fuck why was his throat closed up like that all of a sudden? Maybe it had something to do with the other boy's proximity, his spicy smell clouding Brian's thoughts. He coughed a bit, and tried again. "I wanted… I wanted to tell you…"

"_Yes_?" Justin urged him on, leaning closer still, Brian sitting down allowing him to be on the exact same eye level as him.

Brian registered the door opening, but all he could focus on was Justin moving away abruptly, leaving a cold empty space where his body used to be. He mentally cursed himself. He had his chance, again, and he blew it.

"Justin, you have to come talk with Steve. He's pretty pissed." Adam stopped dead on his tracks. "Kinney? What are you doing here?"

"That's what I'd like to know too. As for Steve, I don't give a rat's ass. I'm way more pissed at him, than he could be at me. Did you see his little stunt out there?" Justin said, before Brian had the time to reply.

"I don't see a way I could have missed it." Adam commented. "Still, storming off like that… You should have stayed and talked to him."

"Like he would have listened? You saw how high he was."

They heard loud approaching footsteps. Adam seemed to brace himself for an attack. It proved a wise move, since a man crushed through the doors. "Where is he?" he yelled furiously to no one in particular, followed by two other long haired men.

"I'm right here. Anything you want to tell me?" Justin told him sarcastically.

"You fucking piece of shit!" the man caught Justin from the hem of his shirt. Brian made a move to break them up, a guttural instinct he didn't know he possessed kicking in, but one of the other men got there first.

"Back off Steve! Don't touch him!"

Steve looked at the man, his eyes glazed over with hurt and anger. "Why are you always defending him Jake?"

"You are not thinking clearly, neither of you" Jake said looking between them both, trying to keep his tone level and calm. "We need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about. At least not till he's sober…" Justin told the man, sidetracking him, and stepping in front of Steve again, looking up at him, obviously just as willing to use his fists as the other man. Brian would be more than happy to do it for him.

"Fuck you! You've been in this band for less than a month and suddenly you're entitled to criticize me? What I do is my business."

"It stops being your business the moment you let it interfere with the band!" Justin shot back at him, pouring gasoline over an already flaming fire.

"Justin's right. You're not alone in this group. When you fuck up, we all look like fools." Adam concurred.

"Jake?" he asked, placing all his hopes on the brunette.

"You've let it get out of hand…" Jake sighed, still trying to sound compromising. "You have to admit that."

"You fucking hypocrites! All of you!" Steve exclaimed heatedly. "You think I haven't seen Liam drinking like a fish? And these two…" he pointed at Justin and Adam "don't you think I've seen both of you with weed? That _I fucking give you_ Adam! You didn't seem so against drugs when you _begged _me for a free joint! And you" he took a step back, seemingly in utter sock and pointed an accusing finger at Jake "You pop uppers like they're tick tacks!"

"Never before a gig" Jake said.

Brian tried to catch Justin's attention, but the other teen's eyes were glued on Jake, looking at him surprised and worried.

"Oh, so now you're a proper saint! Or am I expected to forget who was sharing my needles?"

"I got over that a long time ago." Jake moved forward, trying to catch Steve's hand but the other man stepped out of reach. "And so can you Steve! I know it is hard, I know you don't think it is possible right now, but we can try together."

"Fuck off…" he let out a small paranoid laugh. "Fuck you… I'm sick of this crap." He took a duffle bag that was close to the door.

"Steve…"

"I'm leaving. You can have your precious band. You're shit without me anyway. You'll be lucky getting a deal to sing in a bathroom."

Jake made a move to follow him out the door, but the other man, the one that hadn't talked at all this far, held him back. "Let him go. Just let him go…"

Jake took the bottle of vodka from the place next to Justin and threw it against the wall with a strangled moan.

"Fuck… fuck…" Adam cursed, repeating the word like a mantra.

Justin sat down next to Brian, trembling a little at a nonexistent chill. He put his head between his hands and it was not lost on Brian that he was leaning onto his side for comfort.

"Ok… ok… we need to regroup… we'll find someone else and…"

"How the hell are we going to find a new drummer for the gig _tomorrow_ Liam?" Jake interrupted him. "Do you think they grow on trees?"

The silence that followed was only broken by the sound of Jake's feet walking on the broken shards, crushing them under his shoes.

"I'm a drummer."

* * *

A/N: So master plan revealed finally lol. I was wondering how come no one had picked it up before, but then on the reviews for the previous chapter everyone seemed to catch on. Bugger. So, I figured, there was no reason to wait another week for another update- of a proper chapter- and thought I should just put it out there…

Title is an ACDC song.

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	15. but I want it too much

A/N: I'm really sorry for the long sabbatical, but it was needed :)

the chapter is small, but I will update soon enough, if everything goes as planned.

Thank you to Lupin111, once again, you are awesome.

* * *

**But I want it too much**

"I'm a drummer"

He uttered it before even thinking it through. The declaration was followed by a stunned silence. Justin finally looked up from his lap, directly at him, searching his face for any indication, any sign that would explain his words.

"Who are _you_?" The guy named Jake turned to him after a long pause, seemingly noticing him for the first time. He took in Justin's posture, the way he was leaning onto Brian's side, staring at him. Brian thought he looked like a robot from a sci-fi movie, by the way his eyes narrowed, zooming in on Justin's hand carelessly resting on Brian's knee, his own palm centimeters away.

Justin seemed to notice too. He got up from his place next to Brian, walked a good few steps away, and answered Jake's question. "Doesn't matter. He can't play with us."

"Why the hell not?" the other guy- William?-cut in. "Kid's a drummer, we need a drummer, case fucking closed for me!"

"He doesn't know any of our songs, it'll take forever for us to teach them to him. There is no way he can learn them all by tomorrow." Justin replied, insisting on looking away from Brian.

"That won't be a problem, cause I already know some of them."

"You do? How…?" Justin said, finally turning towards him.

"I bought the demo from Robbie."

By the looks of it, Justin couldn't have been more surprised, if Brian was saying he wanted to grow tits and move to Florida.

"You bought the demo?" Brian couldn't decipher Justin's expression, but he surely hoped it stood for a good thing.

"Don't mind that." Adam chimed in. "_You_ actually went _in _Robbie's store?"

He always knew he had a good reason for not liking the git. "Why don't you ask him? He's the one who drove me here."

"Drove you here? As in… with a car."

"No we came with a rocket ship. What do you think?"

"Mr. High and Mighty shared a car with another person? And Robbie, none the less?" he turned to Justin "Can you believe this?" Adam must have found that hilarious, because he literally burst out laughing at the mere notion of Brian spending any time with Robbie in a confined space.

Justin seemed to ignore him, and focused completely on Brian. "But you're not even a full-time drummer. Why would you practice our songs?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Cause I felt like it."

"Hey, I hope Hobbs doesn't jump out of a corner somewhere. Did you come alone?" Adam commented.

Justin made a slightly uneasy gesture at the mention of Chris's name, one that no person would notice under ordinary circumstances, but Brian was by now so much tuned in, noticing every little detail in his effort to communicate wordlessly, that Justin's uneasiness signaled for an alarm to set off inside his brain.

"Why don't you mind your own fucking business for once and let us talk?" Justin's puppy dog was getting on his nerves.

Adam seemed to be thinking the same thing. His expression rapidly became hostile. "This _is_ my business. But I don't see what business it is of yours. Shouldn't you be home, partying the summer away with your jock friends? What do you know about bands anyway?"

Did Adam really think that he'd bring Brian down in Justin's eyes with this kind of crap?

"I know enough to realize you are in deep shit. And if I don't play with you tomorrow, you can bid the concert goodbye. The way I see it, _you_ should be begging _me_, Adam, not the other way around."

"Seriously, who is this guy?" Jake, still completely clueless, intervened.

"He's…" Justin hesitated for a second "someone we went to school with."

Adam had a different opinion. "He's a conceited asshole."

"I am the only hope you have left."

* * *

They had gone straight to work. Brian had soon found out that Trip had doubled their track list in the last month, so learning all of them was not a short term option. Thus, Justin-looking stressed out of his mind- had suggested they try covering some songs that Brian would know how to play or at least have heard of before, so that it'd be easier for him to get the gist of them.

Before Brian had the chance to open his mouth, Adam had glared at him and declared "Don't even dare think of it Kinney. There is no way I am playing a Nirvana song."

So, after quite a lot of fuss, they had settled for covering a couple other songs. However, Brian still had to not only perfect the songs he already knew, but learn some of their "signature tracks" that he had never in his life listened to before.

At some point hours later, someone had remembered about Robbie, and Adam went out looking for him. He came back, a lot more relaxed, with the older man stumbling behind him, tipsy from alcohol and passing a joint back and forth between the two of them.

Soon, Adam Robbie and the guy who was called Liam after all, were all lazing about smoking from Robbie's plentiful stash.

Brian couldn't care less. He didn't need the whole band to practice anyway. Justin and his guitar were just fine. Now if he could only make that Jake guy to bugger off too…

Justin on the other hand, kept looking at them irritated every time they'd start laughing and screaming at the top of their lungs. He looked very nervous about getting Brian to learn as much as possible, and it didn't take a genius to understand he must be feeling responsible for Steve leaving.

Not that Brian could see anything wrong with that either. Seemed like a good riddance to him.

Robbie was narrating his most famous threesome story, while Liam cheered in random places, and Adam listened with disgusted awe at the excessive amount of lady parts mentioned.

They were getting louder and louder, laughing their asses off, so much so, that at one point Brian could barely hear Justin's instructions.

"Can you guys shut up a bit please?" Justin asked them at last.

"Come on man…. Relax…" said Robbie, offering his glass pipe. "You want some?"

"No. I want you to shut the fuck up so we can work here."

"Jeez… _someone_'s being a ray of sunshine today…. In fact…. that should be your name!" his face enlightened by the revelation. "Hey Sunshine…" Robbie drawled out and the other two laughed goofily "Sunshine… don't fret. I'm sure Brian wouldn't mind practicing all night long…"

Justin rolled his eyes. "Can you take them away?" he asked Jake, and Brian thought they resembled an old married couple, passing the unruly children back and forth. "Go out for drinks or something, and sleep in the car?"

Jake looked at them doubtfully. "What about you?"

"We'll practice and see where it gets us."

"You need to sleep too…"

"If worse comes to worst, and we can't keep our eyes open, we'll take a nap here. We have the dressing room till tomorrow right?"

Jake wasn't a 100% satisfied with this plan, it seemed. "Are you sure?"

_Oh come on Robocop, just leave already._

"Yeah… we'll be fine don't worry."

Jake gathered the giggling party, and with one last long look Justin's way, finally left them alone.

* * *

"Can you at least concentrate?" Justin knew it must have been the 100th time he had snapped, and he hated it, but couldn't help it, he was running low on patience.

"I _am_ concentrating. Can _you_ stop being such an ass, _Sunshine_?" Brian used the mocking nickname Robbie had given him easily, finally as pissed as Justin was.

Justin cursed under his breath and moved a bit away, lighting a cigarette in the process. "Let's just take a break." Between his mixed emotions for Brian, his guilt over Steve, the stress about the concert tomorrow and being awake for almost 24 hours straight by now, he expected he'd soon find himself banging his head against the wall.

He exhaled loudly and sat on the floor exhausted. This was pointless. There was no way Brian would be ready by tomorrow.

He felt Brian sitting next to him on the cold floor, but made no effort to talk. They sat in silence for a while.

There was a part of him that was irrationally angered by seeing Brian. He knew he had wished for it countless times but the meeting had brought up all the pent up frustration he had towards Brian, if only because concentrating on his grudge against him could keep him grounded enough to not get his hopes up. There was nothing that indicated Brian would be staying after tomorrow, and Justin didn't even know what he was doing there in the first place, so the bigger distance he kept from the other boy, the better. Unless he wanted to find his heart in the trash can again.

There were a million questions swimming around in his head, and a shortage of possible answers. But for now he had to concentrate on preparing for the concert. As best as he could. After all, he had cost Trip a drummer, he could at least earn them a worthy temporary replacement. The questions would have to wait till later.

He was starting to formulate a plan: get through this with the minimum amount of bullshit, play the gig tomorrow, and then you'll see what happens on from there. And for God's sake stop drooling over him.

"You should trust me more."

He turned to Brian surprised. "With what?"

"The drums. I'm pretty good, and you know it too. So stop being so tense about it, I can do it."

Justin took another long drag from his cigarette and concentrated on the smoke filling his lungs, letting it get past his lips slowly, in an effort to loosen up.

"You are." Justin looked around for an ashtray but of course none was around. Oh well. The floor is just a big ashtray after all. . "Is there anything you are not good at?"

Brian smirked. "Obviously not."

"_Obviously_ being good comes with the price of having a bloated ego."

Brian's smirk grew wider as the distance between them grew smaller. "And I wouldn't have it any other way. How else would we be able to stand each other?"

"I love how you can insult me and make it sound almost like a compliment." Justin knew he was closing the distance between them even more, he knew it and hated it, but couldn't help it.

"See? I _am_ good at everything." He seemed to contemplate it for a while. "But even I need sleep to function. Why don't we wrap it up for now? I mean, yeah, the room is ridiculously small and it might get a bit crowded but I don't mind." He leaned closer still and Justin felt the remainder of air in his lungs leave his body completely. "Do _you_?"

Brian's voice was hoarse from staying up all night, and his eyes were exactly like Justin remembered, and the distance between them had almost been reduced to nothing and, God, never had a plan stray so far off.

He barely felt the burning, but Brian realized it quicker than he did. "Shit, your cigarette. You're going to get burned."

Justin looked down at the filter that was left hanging from between his fingers, ash pulling on his lap, just as Brian took it away and put it out.

In the seconds that passed before Brian's gaze was on him again, Justin almost managed to shake off the haze that had clouded his mind. "As tempting as that sounds, we really should continue."

He thought he spotted disappointment in Brian's expression as he got up and dusted his pants briefly. Turning around he reached a hand out.

"So. How about we pick up where we left off?"

* * *

title is from Poison by Alice Cooper.

thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	16. you can have anything you want BUT

A/N thanks to Lupin111, who even though she had to get through finishing a very complicated story –Certamen of the Bow and the Brush, it's pretty amazing- she still helped me out and listened to all my whining about stubborn Muses.

And thanks to everyone who reviews, even though I make you guys wait way too much each time.

* * *

**You can have anything you want**

**but you better not take it from me**

The sun was well up by now, and Justin believed that he'd have to duct tape his eyelids to his forehead if he had to keep his eyes open for any longer. They had practiced all through the night, and he could finally say he was satisfied that their appearance that same night would be a success. At least when it came to the drummer being up to speed, coz he himself might well perhaps pass out from exhaustion mid-song.

Justin would gamble all his belongings- few though they might be- when it came to Brian coming through for the gig. He might lack in technique compared to Steve, but there was talent there, and passion, and a will to prove himself that had caught Justin by surprise. Brian seemed inclined to impress him, and even though he tried to ignore it, he still was flattered.

His fingertips were killing him, as if he had never picked up a guitar before, but Brian probably had it worse.

He had called a cease to everything about half an hour before and he now leaned back against the wall, enjoying the merciful silence. He knew Brian was watching him, even though his eyes were closed and he was already half-asleep. It was like this that Jake found them: one sitting, smoking a cigarette and resting his weight on the drums in front of him, watching behind lowered eyelids as the other breathed peacefully, one step before slipping into a deep slumber.

"Here. Drink this." Jake put a cup of warm liquid in his hand and Justin nodded his thanks, keeping his eyes closed. He heard Brian refusing to take his own, but it was only after the sweet smell reached his nostrils and slipped into his conscious that he actually opened his eyes a wee bit.

"What is in it?" He asked and took a careful sip. It felt like balsam to his throat.

"Brandy with honey and lemon. So that you can sing tonight. It helps."

It certainly seemed to help. He made a mental note to wash Jake's clothes for him or something in the future. They made it to the car- with a lot of effort on his part- where Robbie bid his goodbyes for now. Justin was too tired to pay attention, but when looking back at the incident, he remembered hearing Robbie say that he'd wait for Brian in this town for the three days the rock fest lasted.

Liam and Adam looked hung over- and definitely smelled like it- while Brian resembled a cranky zombie with very sore arms and shoulder blades, and with Justin being out of the question, only Jake was in a state to drive.

Justin called shotgun, and sat next to Jake with a satisfied grin. Brian might be just as tired as he was, if not more, but Justin was more than eager to let him sleep in the back. He could use some suffering.

"Did your friend manage to learn anything?"

"Yes, he did great" Justin answered and his smile only grew in intensity. "And he's not my friend." He added quickly.

Jake looked at him interested, but Justin was not in the mood for sharing.

"He definitely isn't Adam's friend. He looks at the poor boy like he wants to skin him alive."

"You're overreacting…"

"It's true… what did Adam ever do to him?"

Justin shrugged, and let his gaze wonder out the window. The car took a small turn and they were down the interstate, kilometers of asphalt stretching before them, sparkling grey under the morning light. It seemed his life had turned into a long road, the starting point a distant memory and the end undistinguishable. It was a road of possibilities though. And that was something he couldn't have back home.

He felt his eyes closing as if having a will of their own, as the rocking of the car and the music of the radio put him to sleep.

When he awoke hours later, Jake's coat was over his chest like a blanket, but there was no Jake in sight. He looked around at the empty car, draping the jacket across his shoulders, and out the window, at the gas station-slash-diner they had pulled up to.

He greeted Liam, who was talking on the payphone, obviously with Daphne, and got inside the diner to find the rest of the guys sharing a booth. He sat next to Adam and murmured a groggy good morning.

"Good morning Sunshine." Brian was probably the only person in the world who could manage that sly smirk.

Justin smiled back. The other two looked on confused, but neither commented.

"I wish we'll make some good money from the gig tonight." Adam said after a while. " I am getting a bit tired of eating French fries for breakfast."

"That's absurd." Justin commented, stealing one from his plate.

"Trust you to love this."

"We will get enough. Hopefully." Jake replied with a brief stare at Brian.

"First thing I'm going to do… if we stay at a hotel again any time soon…" Justin said, stretching his hands above his head "is take a long hot bath." He let his left hand rest on Adam's shoulders and kept snatching potatoes with his right. "None of those shitty showers with the water cold like ice, 50 people in line waiting for you to finish, and being careful not to step on cockroaches. I'm talking the whole 9 yards."

"Hopefully Adam will do the same" Brian said from his place across from him.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Adam asked offended.

"Lets put it this way: if we ever run out of engine oil we won't need to look further than your hair."

"Kinney what the hell is…"

"He's just kidding." Justin rushed to speak, before this turned into another insult match between the two of them. Mercifully, both of them remained silent.

He helped himself to some of Adam's coffee- not like if there were any germs he wouldn't have caught them by now anyway- and looked at Brian from over the cup. Adam had every right to be confused. Even _this second_ Brian was _still_ glaring at him. Justin tried to think of a reason why Brian would be pissed at Adam and couldn't come up with any… on the other hand though, they _had _been members of different cliques since the day Adam stepped foot in school. So maybe there wasn't a particular reason. None of the jocks needed a reason to hate Adam's guts before. Or Justin's for that matter.

"What's going on?" asked Adam, and it took Justin a while to realize Adam was talking to Jake. "You've been looking out that window every 5 seconds."

"Huh? Nothing, I just… I just need to make a phone call. God, how much time does Liam need? He's been talking to Daphne for over half an hour..."

"Are you going to call Steve's girlfriend again?" Adam asked and Jake nodded absentmindedly, stretching his neck to look out the window. "Jesus Christ Jake. You've called her eleven times since yesterday. He's not there."

"Well maybe he is now. He _has_ to be there." Jake looked at them with diminishing hope. "He's got nowhere else to go…"

It was the first time, Justin had been able to unglue his eyes from Brian and focus on the other occupants of the table. And he could see now that Jake didn't look like his usual, wise-cracking, laid back self. Steve's departure had affected him greatly.

Adam sighed heavily. He kept looking at Jake, as if trying to come up with the one single thing that would serve as the best relief or advice, but kept coming up with squat.

* * *

For Brian, this day on the road was going by too fast. He slept in the back of the car for hours, but still it was as if he had only just closed his eyes, when a bump on the road would shake him, or one of Liam's loud exclamations while he was talking with Adam about one trivial thing or other, would startle him awake.

He had talked a little with Liam, and even shared a conversation with the git, but he would have preferred to be sitting behind the wheel. And it wasn't only because the blinding sun had been toasting him all day.

Thank god he tanned beautifully.

At some point Robocop left his post, saying he was tired and someone else would have to drive, at least for the next hour. Brian thought this was his perfect opportunity to step in. So, he offered-out of the generosity of his heart, nothing more, mind you- to drive.

One time, he had been in this second-hand bookshop that a creepy old lady who smelled like fried fish owned. Now, the smell he didn't like, but books were one of the most interesting pastimes around in his town- at least before he learned he could rub up against other things except his bed and his right hand- so Brian used to spend some time there. So, that one time, he had come across this book written by a magician. Not the sacrificing virgins to Satan type, the other kind. He couldn't place his name.

Anyway, the book was semi-good, but there was one thing the magician had said, that had stuck to his 13 year old mind like superglue. He had said that when he was about to perform magic stunts on stage, there was this thing, this rule that he had realized applied to everything, and that he kept thinking of: that if something _can_ go wrong, it _will_ go wrong. Later, Brian learned that lots of books and people had written of the same thing, and that it had eventually come to be named "Murphy's Law", even though Edward A. Murphy Jr., who was an aerospace engineer, probably didn't have anything to do with magic.

Still, when a magician and an aerospace engineer come to the same conclusion, one thing you can be sure of is that they're right. And that you are screwed for life.

So, it came as no surprise that when the moment he had ensured his place as designated driver, was the moment Justin had chosen to come back from his field trip into the wild- where he had gone to take a leak- and obliviously announce that he would love to sit in the open back for a change.

Brian's prior knowledge didn't help much when he could hear Justin laughing in the back of the truck with Robocop and the git, and he had to endure Liam talking about his long distance girlfriend for the next two hours.

* * *

The time had finally come. Brian smiled a little while he watched Liam and Justin fake punch each other, trying to release stress before the concert. In the last half hour he could hear the bar filling in with people, as he sat waiting in their small dressing room.

It wasn't like he was scared or anything. He knew it when he was good at something, and being a drummer was one of those things. Plus, he only had to remember how to play half of TRIP's songs –they wouldn't perform the other half, since there was no time for him to learn everything- and covering other songs that he already knew.

Still, when they made their way to the stage, and he came face to face with a room full of tweaked out teenagers and college kids, most of whom had already engaged in a bottle-fight with each other-and he knew those same bottles could very easily find their way to the stage if TRIP sucked tonight- and cringed at the noise all their screaming was causing, he couldn't help but feel a bit overwhelmed.

Adam passed by him on his way to take his guitar and told him with what could have been either a sympathetic smile, or a shit-eating- "You're so over your head right now"-grin:

"Welcome to the jungle Kinney."

Brian forced the lump in his throat down, and focusing on Justin's back, a few meters away, started doing the only thing he was there to do: beat the drums, and be a huge fat success.

* * *

Turns out he really didn't have anything to worry about. He had done great, TRIP had made it through the concert bruise-free, and now, holding a Jim Beam in one hand and a cigarette in the other, he could safely say that sometimes even the things than can go wrong, don't.

Justin was a few feet away, talking with Jake and a few other guys and girls, while some local band was playing a few songs on stage to conclude the evening. He was smiling brilliantly, and really, Robbie was a genius sometimes. Sunshine. Quite fitting.

It had been a surprise, watching Justin perform. Granted, he had seen him do it just last night, but being so close to him was even more mesmerizing. His energy was palpable, his voice- even though a little inferior to Jake's, he could admit it- blasted through the filled bar, making you forget Jake was even singing along. It was like witnessing a coronal mass ejection.

"He's really something isn't he?" he heard a tipsy Adam say from his place next to him. Brian turned to him, and saw that he had his eyes glued to Justin, Robocop and their merry company too.

Way to spoil the moment. Git.

Brian didn't spare him an answer. Where was Liam? He'd rather be listening about Katherine, or what was her name.

A girl half-hugged, half-fell on Adam's lap, and looked up at him smiling widely.

"Aaaaadaaam!" she squeeled. "Babyyy! What are you doing here?"

Brian looked down at his drink. He was starting to doubt the barman's integrity.

"I was _just_ playing Sheila." She stared at him, unable to make the connection. "On stage…? With TRIP?"

"Oooooh!" Sheila exclaimed, her lips a perfect circle. "TRIIIIP." She nodded and made an awkward gesture with her hands, that Brian figured was some sort of sign language for travelling. Or maybe she was just too drunk.

"Yeah. Trip! My band!" Adam concurred enthusiastically.

Brian put his drink away.

"Hey Adaaaam." Sheila said. "That friend of yours… Ju…" she giggled. "Justiiiiin."

"My mate Justin!"

Seriously, what the fuck kind of roofies came with this beer?

"Yeah, hiiiim." The conversation over at the retard section was progressing. Slowly. "He still queer?"

"As all folk are!" Adam stated.

Sheila looked at him confused for a moment. "Nooo… I mean… is he still a homno.. a homnosix… gay?"

"Oh, yeah! Gay like the 4th of July."

"Oh…" she pouted. She actually pouted. Brian rolled his eyes. "Too baaaad…."

"I disagree." Adam put his hand in the air, like he was swearing allegiance to the flag. "Justin is supposed to be gay. By DNA. Have you seen his ass?" he thought about it a second longer. "Scratch that. Have you seen his real hair? It's so… pretty!"

"Why don't you two get a fucking room, White?" Brian snapped.

"Huh?" Adam resembled a very confuse fish at the moment.

"I said, why don't you and Justin get a room and fuck your brains out and be done with it, if you're so in love with him?"

Adam had the audacity to laugh at his expense. Sheila, who was looking back and forth between them, started laughing too, even though Brian bet she, just like him, was not getting the joke.

"Me and Justin? Are you coo coo bananas?"

"Am I what?"

"Are you off your rocker? Insane?" Adam laughed again. "That'd be like incest. It's disgusting, Justin is practically my brother."

"So you're not… in love with him?"

"No! Jesus… Can you believe that guy?" Adam asked Sheila, who was starting to drool on his lap.

Brian looked at him doubtful for a second. "You act like it. "

"I don't act like it."

"But it's like you're attached to the hip."

"So? Jesus Kinney, didn't you ever have friends? You know… _friends_? Those people who are there all the time…. and you hang out with … and kinda bust your balls but you just generally… _like_? Those are not stalkers" Adam, even drunk, still managed to look like an scolding authoritarian figure, as he looked down at him. "Like, seriously, I'd rather… fuck Sheila. No offence." he added looking down at her.

Sheila wasn't offended. She was snoring.

"You want a drink?" Brian asked, smirking. Not that his friendly behavior had anything to do with what he had just found out. It was just that the gi… Adam was starting to grow on him.

* * *

Brian was sitting in the back of the truck, his head keeping tempo with the beat coming from the inside the bar. Things were going OK, until Sheila spilled her drink on the floor and started crying maniacally, clutching on his shirt and pumping her fists on his chest. Brian had taken that as his cue to leave.

The music became louder for a minute, as the door opened. Justin stepped out flustered, holding two bottles of beer. He looked at him unsure for a second and then made a beeline for the truck. "I was looking for you." He said and then sat next to him cross-legged on the back of the truck balancing the bottles on the sides of his knees. "I wanted to ask you something."

"Always here to help." Brian replied. This was it. Time to face the music.

Justin snorted. "Yeah, right."

"You really are stepping away from your goal there Sunshine. Shouldn't you be trying to get on my good side?"

"Why do you keep calling me that?"

"That's your question?" Brian raised an eyebrow.

"No… But it's a question too."

"Well, I'm answering only one thing tonight. So choose wisely."

"Ok." He took a deep breath. "Back at home…" Justin started, and although his voice was barely audible, he had no problem distinguishing it from the roars of the 50 year old trucks passing by, spewing thick black fume, "did you see my mother? After I left?"

Brian looked at the person sitting next to him, a melancholic figure in the night, and almost couldn't fathom that that same person was the confident teenager singing on stage, or the freak at their school or the person that had the power to make everything around him seem like an unimportant blur. The many contradicting aspects of his being was something Brian couldn't begin to comprehend. Who was he really? And can one person be everything at once? "I saw her."

"How did she look?"

"She's looked better."

Justin nodded silently and stared into the bright lights of the passing cars and the darkness, staring into something Brian couldn't see.

"Have you talked to her?" He asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"No… Once. I call Molly all the time… at least I try to. And once, she took the phone from her." Justin sighed. "The thing is, I don't really like her most of the time."

"And the rest of the time?"

"The rest of the time, I want to be a better son. But I can't."

Justin looked at him as if acknowledging that he wouldn't understand. But Brian did.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Did you tell your parents you were leaving town?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Sometimes there isn't anything left to talk about." The laces of his shoes had never looked so interesting. "Anyway, they probably haven't even noticed."

"That's a terrible thing to say."

"Terrible or not, it's the truth. I've grown out of thinking they give a shit. They still have Claire."

"I'd notice." Justin said after a while. "If you were gone, I'd notice."

He leaned closer and kissed his cheek, grazing the corner of his mouth. Brian could suddenly feel the breeze of the night and the noise of the cars. He could see the neon signs in the distance and he could feel Justin's breath stroking his face, the heat where his mouth was touching his skin. He lingered for a second longer and Brian took the opportunity to brush his lips against Justin's, a soft touch that didn't even feel real. It seemed so juvenile, like a kiss of two nine year olds in the playground, before you know how to kiss, before you know how to live. It seemed so childish and stupid. But it was not.

Justin smiled slowly, and made the distance between them exist again. He looked down at his hands, that were clutching the beers, and gave one to Brian.

"Thanks…"

"Hey, us orphans got to stick together right?"

* * *

Something-or someone- shook him awake. He turned to glare at the criminal, but he was already gone. In the distance he heard Jake's retreating voice say: "Wake up. Band meeting."

Brian managed to get up from the floor after 5 minutes. He did a little stretch, and thanked his intuition that he had at least bought a decent sleeping bag from Robbie. Even though Robbie probably sold it to him at double the price. And Brian didn't even want to think of what kind of things might have gone on inside that same sleeping bag when Robbie still owned it. He looked around, trying to place the room he was in. He spotted a photo on the wall above his head. Right… Sheila…

He moved with utter caution into the other room, and thankfully no screaming, crying Sheila attacked him. He took his place next to Justin and, after feeling the beginnings of a smile play around on his lips – Justin smiled back- looked around the table.

Adam was of course a hang over mess, but the rest of them seemed well enough.

"OK. First of all, I got to say you did very well yesterday…" Jake started. "I admit, I didn't expect that."

Brian nodded slowly. Where was this conversation heading?

"So anyway… We talked about it with the guys" Jake continued. Brian didn't know who had appointed him head of the band, but Jake seemed uncomfortable and still courageous enough to gain a small bit of his respect "and since Steven is nowhere to be found… still… we figured that it would be good if you stayed with us for a little while more. Say, for the next week. Or more. Depending on the circumstances. And of course if you want to."

Brian looked around again. Liam was silently rooting for him, mouthing "come on" silently and even Adam looked up long enough to nod once before clutching his head again, cringing. But Brian turned to Justin. And when he saw that Justin was looking at him hopefully, he accepted. Because really, his life had been pretty boring so far. Why not spice it up a bit? It was only a few weeks.

"Great." Jake let out a sigh of relief. The group immediately relaxed and started to dismantle. Adam made a croaking sound, so Justin rushed to help him to the bathroom.

"Next gig is tomorrow night." Jake informed him.

"Will the track list change?"

"Maybe we can add a couple songs. We'll see. If we get the time."

"I'll go ask Justin if he wants to practice."

"Actually…" Jake stopped him. "You'll practice with me. If you need to."

_Who died and made you lethal weapon, Robocop? _

"And why is that?"

"No reason. Just… why should he bear all the weight?"

And with that, Jake left for the bathroom after the other two. Brian doubted Adam needed two people to watch him puke.

He sat next to Liam, still looking after Jake. Something just didn't add up.

"What's his deal?" Brian asked.

Liam gave him a questioning look.

"Why does he have to go in there too? Does he get horny watching people retch or something?"

"Oh that. Come the fuck on man. Don't be so fucking dense."

Brian kept staring at him.

"You know how bloody lovebirds are. They got to be together every fucking little second." Liam explained.

"Lovebirds?"

"Yeah" Liam smiled good naturedly. "Well, I don't know if they're in love, I'm not inside their fucking heads- thank God. But I'll tell you what- I've never seen Jake so into anyone, whether they had a cock or a cunt. Even though he'd never fucking admit it. I don't know… maybe Justin is ashamed of him or something, how the fuck would I know?" he snickered "I'd be, with all that damned facial hair, but on the other hand I don't want to sleep with either of them." He laughed.

Brian didn't know much about spaceships. But he hoped that bastard Murphy was spending his afterlife in hell.

* * *

A/N: So, the magician's name is Nevil Maskelyne.

The title is from another GnR song, Welcome to the Jungle.

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	17. like cutting out your tongue

A/N: So... I'm not going to comment on the delay *whistles* But I will say this: The next chapter will be up by Sunday, or my beta has the permision to reprimand me severly in whatever way or form she sees fit.

Also, please keep in mind this is supposed to take place in the early 90's.

Lupin111 Thanks so much for your help.

* * *

**Like cutting out your tongue****  
****to save face **

"Remind me never to drink again." Adam murmured, holding his head.

"As if you'd listen to me." Justin replied, keeping his tone level down, so as not to disturb Adam's dying brain cells. "I've come to the conclusion you enjoy puking way too much… I'm suspecting you are a closeted bulimic."

"Ha-ha, very funny." Adam feigned tickling himself on the ribs. "Just write that on my forehead so I can see it every time I shave, and have a laugh."

"Nah… I'll write it on the bottom of the beer bottle, so that you'll see it for sure."

Adam looked up at him then. "Why are you such a bundle of joy this morning?"

"I'm not."

"You have a shit-eating grin from ear to ear."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Justin reassured him, smiling even brighter.

There was no way he'd explain the reason behind his sunny attitude, inside _this_ place. Something in the abundance of Southern Cross emblems on every available surface made him think that the patrons of this particular joint wouldn't share his enthusiasm at seeing his very handsome, _very male_ crush, nor at the news of that boy accepting to travel with them.

Just as he was thinking that, the waitress refilled their cups with coffee, and put a glass of orange juice on the table with a dirty look at Adam's disheveled jet black hair and panda eyes from the messed up eyeliner. Justin's face might be completely make-up free that morning, but the dark nail polish on his fingernails didn't fail to produce another dirty look.

"Can we help you?" he asked her, in a way of impolite politeness.

"Your friend has been talking on our phone for 56 minutes." She informed him.

Justin glanced at the back of the establishment- in lack of a better word for that salmonella filled rat hole- and sure thing, Liam had the phone in a headlock.

"Well, he's paying, isn't he?"

She looked at his hands again and left shaking her head. Justin resisted calling her an old fat bitch. No point in making arguments out of thin air.

"What an old fat _bitch_." Adam commented.

Justin smirked, and handed him the glass of orange juice. "Drink this."

"No…"

"Come on."

"I don't want to…" Adam moved his head to the side, like a 5 year old denying to eat grapefruit. "It's sour…"

"Adam." He said sternly.

"Ugh… fine…" Adam murmured, taking the glass and venturing a sip, his face scrunching up in disgust. "At least you didn't make me drink that vomit inducing slime your grandmother makes."

Before he had the time to answer, he heard his name being called from across the room.

"Oy, Justin! She wants to talk to you!"

He walked towards Liam, ignoring the sour looks the few costumers were giving him. Honestly, of all the places around town, they had to pick this one?

"She bloody well insists she wants to talk to you." Liam said. His hand, holding the phone, was extended, but he wasn't letting go.

"Yeah, I got that."

"Don't take too fucking long; I have to tell her something."

"Fine."

"Seriously, don't take too fucking long, I'm running out of damn money."

"_Ok Liam_." He finally managed to snatch the phone from the man's grasp.

Liam continued standing there. Justin gave him a long look, and he finally snapped out of it and left, mouthing "I'll just go then…"

Justin rolled his eyes and spoke into the phone, only to put it away from his ear when all he heard was a loud screech.

"You bastard!"

"Daph, what… stop yelling!"

"Why didn't you tell me he is there?"

"Who?"

"Brian of course, who else?"

Justin scanned the room quickly, to see if anyone could hear her screams from the other end of the line. "Daphne please can you calm down?"

"Ok, ok, I'm calm." She tried her best to lower her voice. "Justin, tell me! Is he there?

"Technically, he's with Jake, practicing…. But… yeah he's here" he cursed himself for smiling again.

He kept the phone a bit away from his ear for good measure.

"Tell me _everything_." commanded the voice.

"There's nothing to tell. He just showed up here, and then I got into a fight with Steve and he agreed to play in his place for a while."

"I knew it! I knew it!" Justin was pretty sure there must be a bouncy Daph on the other end of the line.

"Knew what Daphne? It doesn't mean anything."

"Doesn't mean anything? Are you out of your mind? He clearly is there for you!"

"We don't know that… he said he wanted to leave home… that things got weird…"

"And he just _happened_ to meet you?"

"Well, I did leave him that jersey… Maybe he thought it'd be better to have a familiar face around…"

"Yeah, coz you were best buddies back home." Daphne mocked. "Why haven't you asked him?"

"I dunno…"

"Justin!"

"Look, if he hasn't talked about it yet, maybe there's nothing to tell. I'm not going to force him to…"

Daphne sighed. "What? _Nothing_ has happened between you since he came?"

"Well…. We kinda sorta kissed… a little… but not really…"

"When did you kind of sort of kiss?"

"Last night…"

The screech that followed must have caused uproar among the canine community.

"Jesus Christ, woman, get a grip!" Justin laughed.

"You're being sexist, but I don't care, I'm so happy for you!"

"Nice to see how strongly the feminist movement has affected you… not."

"Don't change the subject! We have the love of your life to talk about!"

"Someone's getting carried away here. Look, this is starting to sound too much like girl talk for my taste, and at any rate I have to go; Liam wants to talk to you."

"Wait, wait!" he heard her say. "You need to promise me there will be daily updates!"

"Fine…"

"And in depth analysis, with conversation reenactments and…"

"_Bye, Daphne_."

He ignored her protests, and after passing the phone back to an eager Liam, walked back to Adam, who was glaring at the orange juice.

* * *

Back at Sheila's, he watched as Jake and Brian practiced over and over. Adam soon joined them, and Liam sat next to him to discuss the newest developments on "frontier Daphne". He didn't really pay attention. If anything, he'd have to listen to everything from Daphne's POV soon anyway. Instead, he watched as Brian played the drums, focused and energetic.

The guys wrapped it up soon. Their next gig was only in a couple hours, so there wasn't any more time. He watched with a hint of anxiety as Jake was discussing some technicality with Brian.

"Where's Sheila?" asked Adam, plopping up on the couch.

"No idea." He shrugged.

"She's at the festival, she said that she…" the rest of Liam's speech didn't even register in Justin's mind. It completely shut down by the picture of Brian pouring a bottle of water over his head, the liquid running down his face, pooling at his collar bone for a second, soaking the hem of his shirt and disappearing into it.

He heard his name being called and returned back to the present with a visible jolt.

"What?"

"You want?" Liam indicated at the food in his hands.

"Uh… no, no thanks." _Snap the fuck out of it._

"Anyway…" Liam looked at him confused for a second, before returning to the conversation with Adam. "The gig is going to be fucking massive, probably bigger than the rock fest. Which is awesome, I'm sick of all the god damn parties and bars… Steve planned one shitty itinerary for the first month, but at least the rest of the summer isn't going to be such a waste of time."

Adam glanced nervously Jake's way at the mention of their former drummer.

"Small gigs are necessary, or haven't you noticed we have had a growing following in the last couple weeks?" Jake said, zipping up his hoodie. "What good would it have done if we played bigger gigs, and no one had ever heard of us? Steve did a good job."

Justin heard Brian's light scoff. "Better than being a drummer anyway…"

"For your information" Jake turned to him incredulous "Steve is a great drummer."

"He seemed pretty lame to me."

"One lousy performance doesn't make him less of a drummer."

"No, but wanting to kill the singer doesn't make him much of a band mate either." Brian commented.

"He was just angry, he wasn't going to fight Justin."

"Oh come on!" Liam exclaimed at that. "Don't be fucking ridiculous."

"Whatever your problem is with Steve, you can talk about it with him when he gets back."

"He's not coming back."

"Of course he's coming back." Jake repeated, as if the mere notion of Steve not coming back was surreal.

"Well, maybe I don't want him back." Liam commented. "He should have been out the minute he started pulling that shit again."

"Are we going to have this conversation again Liam, really? So he has an addiction he…"

"Yeah, he does!" Liam interrupted him. "But besides that, he's always been a prick, and you know he's been my mate for years, but that doesn't change the facts. He was a prick before drugs and he's an even bigger prick now. When are you going to stop acting like you're his goddamn babysitter, running after his every fucking little whine?"

"The fuck's your deal?" Jake losing his temper was a rare sight, and therefore all the more effective when it happened. "Steve founded this band with us, he's as much a part of this as we are. And if he wants to come back, then no one's going to stop him."

"No one can _ever stop him_, that's the problem! And if he makes up his mind to come back, _which I fucking doubt_, he's going to have a lot of begging and groveling to do when it comes to me. I care about him too, goddamn it, but he's a lost cause. I just hope this time he doesn't drug you down with him."

"Fuck you." Jake murmured half heartedly.

Liam sighed and turned to Brian "Come on, help me load the drums in the truck. We have a fucking sound check to do." They were gone 5 minutes later.

Justin had never seen the two of them fight before, and he had trouble wrapping his mind around the concept, but it seemed like it wasn't the first time it had happened. He looked at Jake, smoking on the couch in Sheila's garage, looking like he was a hundred miles away, even though Adam was sitting right next to him, and for the first time he realized that he didn't really know these people, even after having spent every minute of this summer with them.

"I think Liam has a point." He dared, keeping his voice soothing and calm.

"Liam doesn't understand." Jake replied, and there wasn't as much animosity in his voice as there was fatigue and withdrawal.

Justin moved to the couch again, to sit cross-legged at Jake's and Adam's feet. He wanted to talk, and he knew Adam wanted to as well, but there was this unspoken agreement between them, as they looked at Jake, waiting for him to go on.

"You know I slept with Steve's girlfriend two years ago? At least she was his girlfriend at the time… I was high…I didn't know what I was doing."

Adam stirred at that, but Jake didn't notice, he just kept talking, as if confessing something that had been bothering him for a long time.

"When I told him… He didn't even blink. Because that's the kind of guy he is, and Liam forgets that. Sure he has a temper, but that doesn't make him any less of a friend. He knew I wasn't in control of myself. He understood. I checked into rehab the next day." Jake let out something resembling a laugh. "My parents have four other kids for fuck's sake. My brother was 10, at 21 I should have been giving _them _money, not expecting for them to pay for my mistakes. Anyway… at least it worked. I still do drugs, but I'm never going back to the needle."

Justin looked at him doubtful, but he didn't want to interrupt him right now. He might never get a chance to hear everything again.

"Steve thinks it's bullshit. He says he doesn't have a problem, but…" Jake paused, to recollect his thoughts. "Fuck it." He searched into his pockets and came up with a tin cigarette case. Once opened it only contained a handful of white pills. He picked three up. "Just for us. The three musketeers."

"Jake, are you sure…? You said never before a gig." It wouldn't be the first time Justin would be doing E, but with Jake's history he didn't feel comfortable letting him do drugs. In fact, he had been itching to even snatch the cigarette away from him.

"Yes. I did. But…" Jake took his hand, palm face up "it's _sex_" he put the first tablet in Justin's hand, closing it firmly "_drugs_" he placed the second one in Adam's palm "and _rock n roll_. Not born, bored and dead." he concluded, popping the last one in his mouth.

* * *

The drums in the back jangled soundly as they drove over another bumpy spot on the road, full speed- or at least as speedy as the truck allowed them to be. Liam was driving even more carelessly than usual. At random moments he'd shake his head and murmur bitterly under his breath.

Brian didn't pay much attention. He had his own problems to think about, without having to worry about their childish fights. Like, what exactly were Justin and Jake doing back in the garage?

Once they arrived, they quickly went to work. They didn't only have to do a sound check and carry TRIP's amplifiers and drums, but Brian soon found out that they were supposed to help with the equipment for the whole show. Something that included lots of heavy lifting, and impossible monkey-like climbing.

"You know, you guys hired me to be a drummer, not Rambo." Brian commented while picking up another amplifier and taking the next step towards a hernia.

Liam snorted. "Man, you wish you were Rambo."

That seemingly innocent exchange sparked up an hour long "conversation" over movies. "Conversation" because it mostly consisted of Liam praising the many attributes of Bruce Willis, Danny Glover, Mel Gibson and Sylvester Stallone, while Brian pretended to be listening, while his mind kept going back to Justin, and what he had found out last night.

He shouldn't have been surprised in the least. Isn't that what he had already figured would have happened? That Justin would have moved on?

There wasn't much to move on _from_, not really.

There was nothing left to fix. Brian should just go and do what he came to do in the first place: apologize and be done with it. Not procrastinate for days and keep obsessing about every tiny little thing like some lovesick teen.

That's exactly what he'd do. He'd go up to Justin, and apologize for being a dick back at home, he'd stay with TRIP for one day more- it's not like they had signed a contract- and then go and find Robbie and continue their car drive together. Soon enough he'd find a job, or maybe he'll receive word that the school board did actually manage to get him a scholarship. In any case, he was not going back to his parent's house.

He'd get over –whatever _this_ was- and never think of Justin again. And Justin would be free to stay with Jake. Since he wanted the _stupid enabling controlling snake._

"Mel Gibson is a great actor…" Liam was continuing his audible inner monologue. "He should get more credit. No one else could pull off playing that psychopath cop."

"That's cause he's batshit crazy in real life."

"He is not!" Liam was offended.

"You'll see. He's going to go nuts." Brian repeated, more to annoy Liam than anything else.

Liam scoffed soundly, and began to set the record straight "He has an eccentric…" his expression changed suddenly from a scolding to a flirty one, as he completely forgot about Brian and focused on a redhead girl approaching them.

"Well, hello gorgeous" he drawled out, before she reached them.

"Liam Emerson?" she asked, looking up at Brian.

"That's me." Liam interrupted. "One and only."

She spared him a glance and a smile before returning her attention back to Brian. "And you are?"

"Kinney."

"Kinney… what?" she insisted.

"Brian." He added, not in the least interested in her attempts to flirt. She looked at him, clearly disappointed at his lack of enthusiasm, and went on to explain the program of the event and some of the things they should know. All the while she kept randomly touching him and longingly looking at him, but Brian firmly ignored her.

Liam was looking at him like he was insane.

The redhead went on and on and on, and Brian was forced to try and keep all his attention to her, since Liam was too busy salivating over her legs.

His eyes fell on a group of men, moving stuff on stage. Looks like they weren't the only doomed ones after all. One man in particular caught his attention completely. He looked about 20, tall, body well defined and toned, muscles straining in effort and, with a bit of a tilt of the head…yes! Now _that_ was something Brian would say deserved to be called "gorgeous"

The man turned around just in time to catch Brian blatantly staring at his ass, and not looking surprised in the least, sent a heated glance his way and an almost-invisible nod. He kept working, sending a green-eyed lust filled stare now and again.

The redhead- Brian didn't catch her name- after many a failed attempt, finally decided to leave, with Liam's eyes following her.

"Did you see the way that chick was looking at me?" Liam asked.

"Must have missed it…."

"She was mentally undressing me, how did you not notice that? Damn I got mad game with the bitches…." Liam went on.

"I thought you were married."

"What you mean Daphne? Please… I'm not a one woman man…."

"Whatever you say…" Brian answered, looking back at the man on stage. He knew he could go up to him, and he'd have him on his knees in no time-the man's glances made it perfectly clear. It could be nice, having someone simply as that for a change, not having to fend off suitors.

He didn't want to admit what was keeping him from doing that.

"Um… Don't tell Justin I said that ok?" Liam interrupted his musings. "He's going to tell Daph and..."

"And you don't want to get in trouble?" Brian continued amused.

"No, nothing like that…" Liam played it cool. "But don't tell him." He added seriously.

"Don't worry about it." Brian replied and Liam put a hand over his shoulder, smiling. "Where _is_ Justin? Shouldn't they be here by now?"

"They'll get here, there's still time."

An hour and a half later, the sun had set and the dust of the hot day had settled, after been stepped on by the dozens of people who had flooded the concert site. The first group was about to wrap up, and Liam wasn't looking as confident. "Where the fuck are they?" he murmured. "We're up next… Fuck…." He approached the red head from before and Brian heard him say "Ask them to play a couple more songs ok?"

"Maybe they're fucking" Brian commented after a while, and no, his voice was not bitter thank you very much.

"No, no, Jake wouldn't fuck with both of 'em." Liam stopped his frantic pacing abruptly. "That son of a bitch! He's fucking both of'em!"

"Good to know…." It most certainly was not. "Will you sit the fuck down? You're giving me a headache." He was pretty sure the band on stage, had resorted to replaying songs by now.

"Here they are!" Liam said relieved, looking somewhere behind Brian's shoulder at the approaching trio. "Oh, yeah, don't fret, take your time!" Liam mocked. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Relax; Sheila's house is a long way away…" Jake told him, letting his hand slide from Adam's shoulder, but keeping his grip on Justin's with the other one.

"Hi Liam." Justin smiled as if seeing him after a long time, and rushed to hug him. "Brian! Hi!" he called out. Brian raised an eyebrow at his glassy eyes and too-cheery expression.

"Jake? Jesus fucking Christ, you got them high?"

"They wanted to…" Jake said, looking like an ill-behaved child.

"Yeah we wanted to…" Justin added, smiling and-god, was he actually giggling?

"Perfect, this one acts even dumber than usual." Liam commented frustrated, ignoring Justin's exclamation of disagreement. "At least _you_'re sober, Adam, right?" Adam started giggling along with his best friend, and Jake chimed in too. Liam rolled his eyes. "I'm holding you responsible for this, just so you know." He shook his index finger in front of Jake's face.

"What did I do?" Jake exclaimed. "Come on, Liam, old buddy…"

"Are you girls done with the chit chat, or should I pull out my embroidery?" Brian broke up the merry party, pulling Justin towards him by the hem of his shirt. "We have a show, if I remember correctly."

"Yeah, get a move on Liam." Adam commented tongue in cheek.

Liam moved to the red-head, mumbling and cursing under his breath, and soon enough, the performing band left the stage, looking relieved as they passed by TRIP.

The others went on stage, starting to quickly tune the organs one last time for safety, but Brian still had an armful of Sunshine.

"Hi." Justin smiled again.

"Yeah you said that." He felt his mouth twitching, and then breaking into a smile when Justin just kept staring at him. "You're not very eloquent when you're high, are you?"

"Super-mega-fragilistic-expicali-docious." Justin replied soberly.

Brian laughed at his definition of eloquence. It was cut short by Justin's lips on his.

He heard a scoff from somewhere in the background, and found Liam watching.

"I don't want to know." Liam stopped him from saying anything on the situation. "Get your asses on stage."

He let Justin go, taking the warmth away with him. Jake was waiting in the front for him, all cuckold eyes and groping hands. Brian glared at them behind his drum set, as Jake gave Justin's guitar for him, as if he was incapable of getting it himself or something.

Prick.

The crowd was a lot bigger, Liam had been right. They were excited to see them and greeted them with applause and shouting. He recognized some people from last night, and he was pretty sure a lot of them must have attended TRIP's concerts before. Which meant Jake had been right about the growing following and whatnot too. The slimy know-it-all.

He started beating the drums and tried not to focus too much on Jake's and Justin's growing proximity. He forced his eyes to wander the excited crowd and spotted the hot guy from before, stalking closer to the stage. Brian winked at him, and the man winked back, mouthing something incomprehensible. That was what he needed right now. Something easy. He was tired of waiting for Justin to make up his mind.

In spite of all his trying, he kept finding himself staring to the front at _him_, jumping up and down, singing with Jake in perfect harmony even though he was high as a kite.

Maybe that's what he saw in Jake. They looked… fitting together.

What a load of crap. If only they could have stayed back stage, just the two of them, for a little while longer…

Brian groaned, and continued playing, exorcising his confused thoughts that way.

As their part was coming to an end some time later, he noted with growing disappointment that the pair of them were singing into the same microphone, lips a few inches away from each other.

* * *

There were bright lights on him and loud music surging through his ears. People at his feet, looking up at him and trying to get as close to him as possible moving to the sound of his voice, and damn it, if this didn't feel like being a rock star, nothing did.

He knew he would be coming down soon, but he wasn't so sure the drug had much to do with the surge of energy and that wave of love going through him. Jake had moved next to him, singing into the same microphone, half-hugging him at times. He could feel the beat coming from Brian's drums, going to his spine and making him move and dance, supporting him and matching the beating of his heart, pumping rhythmically through his veins, crushing against his eardrums. Liam's base line and Adam's rich guitar sound, the muffled cheers of the crowd. He felt the wave growing stronger, and wished this love he was feeling could slip through his every pore, and engulf them all in its tide, Adam, Jake, Liam, the crowd, Brian…

Brian…

The song was coming to an end, and the show, and his high as well, but he felt, against all reason, that it would go on forever. Because he felt clear and sure and couldn't wait to turn around and run up to Brian and hug him, just hug him and hold him, right at this instance, before his insecurities and doubts and reality kicked in back again.

He hit the last chord and everything stopped for a second, before it exploded into a massive wall of sound made out of clapping and shouting. Someone was climbing up the stage and he didn't know if he should be more confused or amused by the fact that someone wanted to be so close to them, as the unknown man passed quickly by him and toward the back. He turned abruptly to follow the stranger's path, and saw him approaching Brian who was standing up as if in greeting.

The sound had not stopped, not had the feeling of Jake's palm on his back, his mouth saying something into his ear, in an effort to be heard amongst the noise. But Justin's eyes were glued to the spot, where only a couple meters away, Brian was deeply kissing the stranger.

* * *

A/N: Title is from "Black Rain" by Soundgarden.

Also, the butchering of Mary Popin's moto is the autocorrect's fault XD

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	18. little boy won't you come home with me?

A/N: So... obviously I don't need to adress the issue... ahem.

Lupin111, thanks for being my beta. Don't punish me too harshly for the delay. *doe eyes*

Extra soapy alert, you've been warned.

**Little boy won't you come home with me?**

"Thanks Tom" Justin took the drink as soon as the barman placed it in front of him and downed it in one big gulp. This was real, the warm liquid burning down his throat, not the mushy corny crap he was feeling half an hour ago.

"Last one." The barman warned.

"Oh come on!"

"You've already had too many. You should be thanking me for even letting you drink at all, at your age."

"I'm 21" Justin lied quickly.

"And I'm the Pope." The barman mocked, but poured the drink nonetheless. "Last one. I mean it." He insisted, keeping the glass out of Justin's reach until he nodded in agreement.

"Thanks." _Manners Justin. Can't forget your manners._

He was sitting alone at the open bar, with only a few people around him, since most of them were crowding the area in front of the stage to listen to the band performing now, or puking their guts out at the sidelines. And Tom had the audacity to suggest _he_ was getting drunk.

He had turned down Jake's invitation to "hang out", but of course the man had soon found a replacement. Brian was probably still somewhere out there getting his dick sucked by the stranger and Justin was left to make friends with the bartender in this exercise of self-pity.

He could hear a cacophonous execution of "boys don't cry", and he felt like getting up on the stage and punching the singer in the mouth.

"How about one more?"

Tom looked at him with the expression of a man who's seen many a depressed drunk. "Girl trouble?"

Justin could have laughed, if he weren't feeling so damn empty. "You could say that…"

Tom nodded in understanding, but didn't grace him with another round. Great, even the bartender felt sorry for him.

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you." Adam sat on the stool next to him without the need for an invitation.

"I have no idea why." Justin muttered. He knew it was ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous, feeling like an unwanted child or something of the sort, but that didn't change the fact that his voice carried just that.

"Tequila." Adam told the bartender.

"ID?"

Adam pretended to search his pockets. "Must've misplaced it." He concluded, putting his most angelic face forward.

Tom put a bowl full of peanuts in front of him, with a thud and a glare.

"I would have been of legal age back in London." Tom didn't comment. Adam looked closer at Justin. "Hey, what's with the long face?"

Justin shrugged.

"Having a hard time coming down hey? You know you always do, you shouldn't take anything, you always end up depressed."

Justin scoffed. Everyone seemed to know what was best for him tonight.

"Come on; tell me what to do to cheer you up." Adam said eagerly after sitting in silence for 10 seconds, bored.

Justin mentally groaned. He had welcomed the silence. He even preferred listening to the singer of the unknown band butchering "boys don't cry".

"Did you see Kinney kissing GI Joe?" Adam tried a different tactic to lift his spirits. Surely the worst one he could possibly pick.

Justin let out something that sounded like agreement.

"Am I always right or what? Told you he was gay." Adam continued, popping a couple of peanuts in his mouth. "You wait till tomorrow. Pretending we were beneath him or something back at school… He's not going to hear the end of this tomorrow." Adam laughed a little and nudged Justin's shoulder. "And the way he was kissing that guy, practically sucking his face off! Sexual frustration or what huh?"

The debauchery on stage continued. God, how can you mess up such an easy chorus? It's one freaking sentence over and over again!

"I can't imagine being in the closet that long… Then again, it is the norm isn't it?" Adam continued. "You got to hand it to him though. He came out with a bang! Poor lad must be going crazy on hormones right now. They were this close to doing it right there on the stage. I thought Liam's jaw was going to fall off. " Adam chuckled again. "It was kinda disgusting really. Who knew two men that attractive could look so ugly together?"

"Fuck, why do they have to play this song?" Justin muttered angrily. He felt a burning in his eyes and wiped furiously before the angry tears had time to shed.

"Hey. Hey, what's wrong?" Adam asked concerned, hoping off the stool and getting closer to him. "Justin? What's going on? Did that cheap ass give you some kind of watered down turpentine?" he glanced accusingly over at Tom, who raised an eyebrow in response.

Justin took a big breath. "He was a good kisser when he was kissing me."

"What? Who?" Adam was dumbfounded.

"Brian."

He could see the wheels turning in Adam's head, as he was processing the words.

"You… kissed Kinney?"

"I did a lot more than that. Back home, just before we left town." he added to spare the need for the unspoken question.

"Ok… ok…" Adam leaned back against the bar. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't bring it up. He had Lisa and… and he said he didn't want people to know. That it was a onetime thing or something."

Adam nodded, urging him on.

"And now he's kissing some random dude and... fuck…" He could feel his eyes well up again. Shit shit shit… what the hell was wrong with him?

"Fucking douche bag. What the hell is he doing here, anyway? I'm going to tell him to leave, right now."

"Sit down. We need him."

"I don't!"

"Adam… it's fine. I'm overreacting. It's the comedown, 's all."

Adam finally settled down again, but still held a somewhat angry expression.

"And Jake…" Justin added, needing to come clean. "I slept with Jake too."

The other boy took this new piece of news with just as much surprise.

"So, you see, I've gotten myself in quite the predicament…" Justin added half-jokingly. He felt bad for not telling him sooner, guilty for keeping all these from him when he had opened up to Daphne immediately.

He looked up at Tom, who was keeping busy cleaning a few glasses with a towel, but who had obviously unashamedly eavesdropped on the whole conversation.

"Now can I have my drink?"

* * *

The new day didn't come with better news or a lifted mood for Justin, but he refused to sulk and mope. He engaged in conversation with Liam, Jake and Sheila over coffee, as Adam practiced another insanely difficult guitar solo somewhere in the background. They had gotten back in pretty late, but the only one still sleeping was Brian.

"Justin, can you go wake up sleeping beauty?" Liam addressed him, as if reading his thoughts. "Not that I don't respect his right to fuck all night and sleep all bloody day but we've got to leave."

Adam looked up quickly, but Justin firmly ignored him. He knew he had done the right thing to tell his best friend, but Adam had the bad habit of being overprotective. He was pretty sure he could bear being alone with Brian for 5 minutes.

They had all been forced to squeeze into couches while Brian had slept like a prince on Sheila's parents' twin bed the night before. Justin quickly mused over what it would be like if Mr. and Mrs. Watson had returned unexpectedly from their holiday in Italy and found their underage daughter sleeping in their house with five unknown boys, as he moved into the bedroom.

Sure enough, Brian was sprawled like an octopus on the bed, sleeping like the dead. His even breathing filled the room, and he looked so relaxed and peaceful that Justin found his anger leaving him for a second. He sat next to Brian on the bed and shook him a little, calling his name soothingly.

Brian stirred, but only to change sides. Justin looked down at his closed eyelids and half-open mouth, and felt the tiniest urge to curl up next to him and sleep the day away. He brushed a strand of chestnut hair back from Brian's forehead and called his name again, to no avail.

_He looks exhausted_, Justin thought. And then he remembered exactly why Brian was so tired and poked him in the ribs a little too harshly.

Brian woke up with a jolt and looked around dizzily.

"Pack up your things, we're leaving." Justin told him dryly and left the room without a second glance.

It was a good 10 minutes before Brian dragged his feet through the door. By then Justin had enmeshed himself in conversation again. And if he somehow managed to note every single step Brian took, how he prepared his coffee and how he chose to sit exactly next to Justin… well, that was coincidental.

"Rough night?" Liam asked, with a small grin.

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"Yeah I've heard shagging can be hard work." Adam commented, leaving his guitar and joining them at the table.

"Was he any good at least?" Liam went on, smirk growing bigger and Justin mentally cursed. For all his love for Liam, he could be a real tool sometimes.

Brian nodded positively, drinking the strong brew. "He was perfect. Very hot body and the things he could do with his tongue…"

"Ok, we get it." Adam interrupted him abruptly. "You got laid. Great. Can we move to the matter at hand now? Next gig is tonight. How far away is the next city?"

"About 3 hours I think. We should leave soon." Jake replied.

"I wish you guys could stay longer." Sheila commented. "This summer's so boring, everyone's left for holidays and I'm all alone here."

"At least you'll have your house back. No unruly, lazy boys leaving piles of mess and unwashed socks everywhere." Justin told her.

"Yeah… the dishes I can live with… but the socks. They're horrible. Maybe it's better that you do leave." She teased.

"So… I guess I'll start loading the car. Can you help?" Jake asked Brian.

"About that... I'm not coming."

It was the first time Justin turned to look at him openly. "What?"

"I'll go find Robbie before he leaves and continue travelling with him. Maybe I'll find a job, I don't know…"

"But you're our fucking drummer." Liam looked disappointed. "You can't just pack up your shit and leave. You said you'll stay, at least till we find a replacement."

"I think it's a great idea." Adam commented. "What?" he said when Liam glared at him. "It's not like you can tie him to the back of the truck and take him with you. If he wants to leave, he should leave. We can find a better drummer anyway. No offence." He told Brian rather unconvincingly.

"Look." Jake started. "This is really last minute, we were depending on you."

"Then I guess you shouldn't have." Brian took another long sip.

Liam cursed under his breath and started getting up, before Jake stopped him.

"We paid you for 3 gigs. You're doing them." Jake insisted.

"You can have your fucking money."

"It's not only about the money. You made a deal, you have to keep it." Jake continued.

"Spare me the honor speech, Robocop. Deal's off." He started to get up as well.

"Do you even have enough money on your own for the bus?" Justin asked him calmly, keeping his eyes on the table in front of him. At Brian's unresponsiveness, he went on: "I didn't think so. You can do one more gig and keep the money, go find Robbie tomorrow morning and go wherever you want with him. Or you can leave now, and hitchhike there with some rapist creeper. Maybe he'll have a hot bod too."

Brian seemed to reconsider it, and stayed standing for a minute. Justin could feel him staring, but refused to acknowledge him, choosing to focus on Mrs. Watson's flowery tablecloth.

"Fine…." He murmured, leaving for the bedroom to pack up.

"Robocop?" Jake mouthed and Adam shrugged, just as confused.

* * *

The concert and the hours leading up to it went by in a haze. Justin had refused to acknowledge him all fucking day, averting his gaze and barely ever addressing him, but Brian didn't mind. He couldn't wait to be done with this stupid arrangement.

They had settled at one of Jake's friend's for the night, once again, and as soon as Brian left his backpack at the apartment, he was out the door. No reason to force Justin to bear his presence, since he seemed to despise it that much.

Luckily, there was a bar just down the road. He settled there, determined to spend as many hours as possible there, or even drink till dawn. But the barman took one look at his fake ID and told him he'd only be getting milk at this establishment.

So, it was with great reluctance that Brian Kinney settled for a coke that night, eyes glued on the old TV, mindlessly watching some hick town local news network. He tried to sweet-talk the barman into giving him a drink a couple of times, but it didn't work.

Fucking that guy last night had opened his eyes to the endless possibilities. He was starting to feel like himself again, Brian Kinney, teenage heartthrob, in control of himself and able to manipulate anyone with a smile and a nod. He knew he could have anyone he wished, and it was so much more self-assuring and life affirming than chasing after a distant Justin.

No matter what though, he knew he wouldn't stop until he was far away from his mysterious influence.

He couldn't leave without apologizing though, or this whole journey would have been for nothing. If only he could drink and numb his mind before he had to do it.

It was an hour before Adam walked inside the bar. He didn't seem to notice him at first, and Brian was not about to help him do that, but unfortunately the bar was small and it wasn't long before he was spotted.

"Fancy running into you here." Adam said, seating next to him on a tall stool.

"Yeah, fancy that." Brian mocked. "Maybe you could pick another bar?"

"Trust me, you're the last person I want to be seeing right now."

"And yet here you are." Brian noted.

Adam chose not to comment on it. "Coke huh?" he said, peering into Brian's glass. "How adventurous of you."

"The barman won't give me a drink."

"Rubbish. Where is he?" Just on time, the barman came to take his order. "Bloody hell. It's you. What are you doing? Touring the state's bars and pubs?"

"I'm not giving you alcohol, that's for sure." The barman replied.

"Oh come on, Tom. Please?"

"Read the sign." The barman indicated on a "no underage drinking" sign over his head.

"Fine…Bring me a lemonade. And add a twist and an olive so I can at least pretend it's an ill coloured martini or something." Adam said disappointed. "He's a real piece of work that one." He added, once the barman was out of sight.

Brian focused on the screen again. There was more breaking news about the mayor's missing tabby cat, Cookie, apparently.

"Are you really going to leave tomorrow?"

"I tend to keep my word."

Adam snorted. "If you did, you would stay until we found a replacement."

"I thought you wanted me out."

"I do." Brian looked at him confused, so he continued. "I know about you and Justin."

"And…?"

"And I think he'll be better off without you. But, for God knows what reason, he wants you here."

"Well you can stop worrying about your little friend. I don't plan on being a part of his life anymore."

"Of course you don't." He took the glass the barman place in front of him and knocked back a large amount of it, as if downing a shot. "You'd rather take the coward's way out again."

"You'd know a lot about the coward's way, wouldn't you Adam?" Brian responded, keeping his eyes on the TV. "You know, at first I thought you were into Justin. But, after a while, it all made sense. The way you were acting… 'He's really something isn't he?'" Brian imitated Adam's love struck voice from the other night. "You weren't talking about _him_. You're after Jake."

Adam's face turned pale white, but he didn't deny it.

"And so, I'm wondering." Brian drawled out. "Do you want me here because of Justin… or because you want to have Jake all to yourself?"

"That's bullshit. If I thought they'd be happy together, I wouldn't think about it a second time. In fact, in a way, I'm the one who fixed them up."

Brian wanted to rip him a new one at that revelation. "And why did you do that?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time… I never really thought Justin would go through with it though. I just found out last night."

"Why wouldn't he go through with it?" Brian asked annoyed.

"Because he's hardly ever interested in anyone. Except you of course." He raised his glass as if in a toast in Brian's name.

"Well, he seems very interested this time."

Adam sat there thinking for a long while. "Do you know what it's like to be in love with someone who'd fuck anything that moves, except you?"

"I can't say I do." Brian said sarcastically, less moved by Adam's drama than the futile attempts to bring poor Cookie home.

"No, you wouldn't." Adam went on, looking more apologetic as he continued. If he felt guilty about Justin, Jake or himself, Brian didn't know. "I've been in love with him ever since I came to America."

Brian suppressed an urge to say that love is bullshit. Since right now, Adam seemed so full of bullshit, that it didn't really matter.

"I had a boyfriend back then of course. So, I thought there was no way… That it would pass, that I'd get over it. But time went on, I dumped my boyfriend and then I thought maybe... maybe..." he shook his head with a small laugh. "Of course he never thought of me as something more than a friend. He had never met Justin, but it only took a photograph and my stupid banter of how he was such a good friend, and the coolest guy and so loveable… till he started showing interest. More interest than he had ever shown in me. So, I thought… Great. They should get together. Perhaps then, I would stop thinking of him, waiting for him to notice. I'd be free if he was with Justin, you see?" He was desperately seeking Brian's reassurement, but none came.

So he continued, sounding more and more like he was talking to himself. "And then early this summer, before school was over. I went to this party, alone, and sure enough he was there. Drunk and high out of his mind and talking about how he wanted to stop sleeping around and… settle down or… whatever. He kissed me. And I felt like the luckiest person in the world. And then, a few hours later, Justin was telling me he wanted to leave town, and I was searching for him all around the house… And found him in bed with a guy and a girl. He's not very picky, you know… He didn't even remember anything when I woke him up. He just couldn't wait till he could help rescue my friend." Adam added bitterly. "Did I want him to get rejected by Justin, on some level? Maybe. Maybe subconsciously, I wanted him to get turned down for once in his life, in some twisted form of revenge. Fact is, I have no idea…"

"And you just chose to drag your so highly valued best friend into this."

"I'd never hurt Justin. Not intentionally. I told you, if they were better off together, I would back down. Damn, if they were together, it would be the best thing for me, coz I wouldn't have to think of Jake in that way again. But they're not good together, they don't fit together, it would never work. He wants you."

"You're seeing what you want to see, because it suits you." Brian told him.

"You fucking idiot." Adam hissed, getting mad. "I told you, this has nothing to do with Jake. What, do you think with Justin out of the picture he'll fall passionately in love with me? There will be other guys, and girls, and freaking dogs before he considers falling for me. And I don't mind, I've come to terms with it, and I'm moving the fuck on. But I won't see you leave Justin for a second time, without so much as a fucking apology and a reason! If you want to leave, go ahead and do it, but not like this. Like a goddamn coward, with no explanation. Tell him you want him too, tell him, and then do whatever the fuck you want. Fall off a cliff and die, I don't care, but you got to let him know."

"How do you know he cares if I tell him or not?" Brian burst out, finally ungluing his gaze from the screen. "He seems pretty happy with Jake to me!"

"He cares. I know my best friend."

"Best friend my ass. You've been in love with someone for two years and you haven't told him, and he's been sleeping with someone all summer and you had no fucking clue! So stop pretending like an expert, like you know what he's thinking, because you don't."

"Sod off! Jesus, I'm wasting my time here. Go! Do whatever the hell you want." He put some money in the counter, pressing so hard like he was trying to slap the wooden surface.

"Calm down Adam. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow ok?"

Adam was fuming but chose to sit next to him nonetheless. "You'd better." He fixed his gaze on the TV too, not seeing.

"Want me to buy you another round of lemonade?" Brian asked after a while.

* * *

Brian could hear the shower running in the next room. Ironic, how one of those rare instances he was the only other person in the same house with Justin, and the boy was busy doing something else. Somehow, walking into the bathroom right now would probably be a bit counterproductive. But he had to talk to him, before he left. That was the only reason he was still here. The rest of them had gone out to eat some place down the street. He had already said his goodbyes, and his stuff was packed. Adam had glared his way out the door. Liam had tried to convince him to stay. He had no idea why on earth the guy liked him so much. Maybe he should have asked him for money or something.

With nothing left to do but wait, he picked up a guitar and started scratching the chords. Frankly, he couldn't see the appeal.

Justin was surprised to still find him there. He had already put on clothes, but his hair was still soaked. "I thought someone was torturing a cat." He said quietly, toweling his head. "Aren't you leaving today?"

"Bus leaves in an hour." Brian got up and stalked closer, the strap still around his neck.

"Is that Adam's guitar? You're in big trouble if he finds out."

"Are you going to tell on me?" Brian smiled, coming at a stop in front of him. Fuck, he was going to miss him.

"No…"

"Listen Justin…" He put two hands on his shoulders, making him look up. "Are you listening?" The other boy nodded, confused. "About those things I said. Back home. I'm sorry." He looked at him one last time, trying to imprint his features in memory forever, before moving away. He didn't feel as complete as he thought he would, but at least it was finally out there.

He could feel Justin staring at him as he turned to place the guitar on the couch, pulling the strap over his head. And then, before he could do it, he felt something hard colliding with his back.

Turning around, Justin looked as surprised by what he had done as Brian himself was.

"Justin what the…"

"I'm sorry?" Justin asked, looking like he was trying to solve a very difficult puzzle. "That's it? Just: I'm sorry? Are you kidding me?"

"Look, I'm sorry if…" the last phrase was interrupted by a flying book whizzing past his left ear. "Will you stop with the throwing?"

"Stop saying you're sorry." Justin told him. He didn't _look _mad, but all those things on the table next to him, made Brian really nervous.

"What do you want me to say?" Brian could hear footsteps approaching, but Justin didn't seem to notice.

"Anything else but "I'm sorry". What the hell are you sorry for?"

Brian worked the phrase over in his head. What was he sorry for? Honestly, was there anything he wasn't sorry for?

Sorry for not being good with words. For not being able to articulate what he was feeling, for not really knowing what he was feeling. For not living up to what he always thought he was: brave and confident and knowing all the answers. Sorry for not knowing how to deal with this. For being too late.

_Sorry for letting you go. Sorry for not running after you the minute you turned around and left. Sorry for not talking to you sooner, for not getting to know you when I still had a chance. Sorry for possessing the world's record for the worst timing in mankind's history._

"What are you here for?" he asked and it was so laughable, so inexplicably pathetic how he Brian couldn't get him to understand. "Just tell me. You've done nothing but play mind tricks with my head ever since you came!"

"Of course. I'm bothering you, aren't I?" he leaned in a bit and whispered "Sorry for that."

The ashtray being thrown at him, just as the door was opening, made him regret his sarcasm. With nothing else to protect himself and no time to dug, Brian covered his face quickly with the guitar still tangling from his neck. The metal resonated loudly.

"Oh hi! Are you teaching him the URDC?" A clueless Liam asked from his place at the door.

"It sure seems like you're only here to bother me! Because you haven't done anything even remotely important." Justin continued, and now he did seem like he was getting mad.

Good. Brian was too. "You know, some people might consider the fact that I just rode through half the country with a stoned hippy for you, kind of important! When you just left everyone wondering whether you were dead or alive!"

"I just came over to get my fucking wallet from the living room and then I heard noise… Is everything all right?" Liam intercepted, becoming more awkward by the second.

"For me? Oh my, I am so flattered! You wanted to make sure I was alive?"

"Yes! We have a fight and you just pack up and leave town! I thought you had done something very stupid before I found that jersey."

"My knight in shining armor! Did you really think I had killed myself over you?" It was all there. The scorn he knew he would receive, all the reasons why this impulse to chase after him felt wrong from the beginning. Justin was terra incognita, and he was unsafe and exciting and dangerous.

"For a while, yes. You sure are crazy enough!"

"Now, let's not rush to conclusions!" Liam urgently interrupted, holding his hands up. "I'm a hundred percent sure that's not what he meant…"

"That's exactly what I meant! What else should I call you, when you drive off to the middle of nowhere to play "Barbie the rockstar" with three strangers and a demented Englishman?"

"Technically, Adam isn't English" Liam said at that, but who was really listening?

"They could have mugged you and left you on the side of the road with nothing, all because you're such a hothead that you just act! You never think!"

"That's rich, coming from a man who spent a week in a car with Robbie of all people!"

"To make sure _you_ were alright!"

"Why?" Justin asked, and all words deserted him again. "Why do you care? Just because you felt guilty?" Always the questions Brian was too scared to answer or ask himself.

"I have to go." He repeated, mostly to himself. "Don't you understand? There's nothing left to do here… I've done what I wanted to do and…" Words were failing him again. "Don't you get it?" Please get it. Please do.

"No. What about what I want?"

"You got what you want! You're…" he was feeling dizzy now. "It's not like what you want is for me to be here."

"And how would you know _that_? Did you actually take the time to ask me?"

Anger reared its ugly head inside him, raising his voice, making it stronger and steadier than he was feeling. "Because you are doing just fine on your own! More than fine. You don't need me here. You're perfectly happy." _With him_. He tried to get a holding to one reasonable thought, but it was his mind was a river, washing away words and taking all reason with it. "Things are different than what I expected."

Justin scoffed. "You mean you didn't find me a crying mess, pining for you?"

Brian didn't know what to answer to that. He never expected that. Did he? He'd sure take it over the alternative, any day.

But what did that make him but selfish and uncaring?

"So, you did your good deed. Great. Now you just say I'm sorry and you're done with the crazy kid. I'm glad I helped you relieve your conscience of the burden. And provided you with a nice little adventure on the way. An exciting story to tell the grandchildren when you get back home to Lisa. How you rescued the the poor neighbor's kid and simultaneously lived for once! Experimented with your sexuality a little, even, just for the extra kicks."

"I'm not going back." He said, and at least of that he could be sure.

"I don't like it when people argue."Liam butted in, nervously. "I mean, it does make everything fucking uncomfortable now, doesn't it… Let's stop!" it was like he was expressing the finest idea he had had in a long time.

"Liam, leave." Brian told him, while moving closer to Justin, not taking his eyes away, like a vigilant predator.

"What did you say?" Justin asked, and he wasn't taking his eyes away either.

"I said I'm not going back to her." He knew that. He knew it wasn't just being selfish, he felt it under his skin.

"So fucking that guy actually made you grow balls?"

"Not him." Brian stalked closer.

"Then who?"

Brian moved to lock the door behind Liam.

"Why are you here?" he asked again, and Brian was caught staring at the moisture tangling from that single strand of his hair, uncertain if it should fall.

Brian came to a stop in front of him. He could feel the heat from the other body, the insistent questioning gaze searching his face for an answer, and he knew, even though he couldn't possibly say it, he couldn't give the honest answer, that sorry was no longer enough.

"I'd care too. If you weren't there." Brian said, continuing an unfinished conversation from another lifetime. "I did care. When you left. Not for the reasons you think." He added before Justin could say it. "Not because of guilt. I still do."

The air was heavy with silence and something he could not recognize. He touched the droplet, freeing it from its captivity and its uncertainty, so that it no longer had to choose. The decision was made for it.

Focusing again on the face in front of him, tracing with longing fingers a cheek, the shape of a mouth hiding bright smiles behind it, and the decision was made for him too. And what a fool he was for thinking he could ever choose.

Lips crushed on his own, and hungry hands that had waited too long. The need that had been building finally erupted, as clothes were shed and words that made no sense were hushed against his skin, and everything felt right again, even if it was only for now.

* * *

A/N: Title from the Kinks - Lola.

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	19. Just like everybody else

First of all, thanks to Lupin111 for being my beta. (A war over golf sounds way less cool the more you think about it btw)

And of course thank you so much for your reviews!

**Just like everybody else**

Do we ever know another person? We can talk to them and feel them and be in the same room, in the same bed with them. But we can never _be_ them, or inhabit their mind. The best thing we can hope for is that we have tried to understand them, to be in their place. We have tried, even though we never quite truly succeed.

Such were the thoughts racing through Justin's head right now, as he was letting his hand get reacquainted with Brian's face, his chest, his stomach, leisurely caressing, finally without the need and urgency of the precedent hour.

I don't know you, and you don't know me. You never can and never will. And yet, I can't help myself from wanting to, desperately, from trying over and over again, and not caring if I never will.

He was staring, and hazel eyes were staring back at him. No one was interrupting the silence, probably because no one knew what to say. Passion and lust had taken over him before, and it was easy. He had held the other close, and kissed him and marked him, not holding back this time, because he felt the need to _own, _to be reassured that he was real, and Brian was real and there and _his_. But can you ever own a person?

Should you?

No.

He reminded himself that Brian was even more new to this than he was. Brian was just getting to know himself.

Hell, not even Justin knew himself.

And he had been this way for so much longer. He had learned to accept and love that aspect of himself, that most people can't accept in others.

So was it fair to demand anything from Brian right now? To demand love and commitment, when the boy had just taken this tremendous leap of faith into a whole new world, and was making his very first steps into it?

And that's why the silence went on for so long, and that's why it was heavy with fear and expectations that neither knew if they could live up to. Because this was what they had both wanted for so long, and now that they had it, they didn't know what came next.

"What comes next?" Justin asked.

"I don't know." Brian's palm lingered on his chin for a minute. And it was a lot longer before he spoke again. "I can't be "boyfriend and girlfriend". I suck at that."

"I'm pretty sure I could never be your _girl_friend. Unless you're implying you're the girl."

Brian laughed quietly, and Justin laughed with him, and for a little time there was no need for more words.

"You have so many things to discover." Justin said. "Living on your own, and being who you are. And boys. There are hundreds of boys out there. And I feel like I'd be holding you back. Plus, I'm not good at the boyfriend thing either. It's an entirely new concept for me."

"Isn't Jake your boyfriend?" Brian asked, with a hint of annoyance, and a mass of poorly masked interest.

"No."

"And you don't want one right now?"

"I'm not sure."

"I'm not sure either."

Justin kept looking wordlessly, trying to understand what it was he was feeling. It felt nothing like anything he'd felt before. It was always like that with Brian.

"I've been in "relationships" for about 4 years now, without waiting an hour to go from one to next. And all I've ever done is be dishonest and lose any trace of respect I had for the other person." Brian said. "I don't want to do that to you."

"I don't want you to do that either."

His hand was drawing circles on Brian's stomach still. There were marks there, scratches and what would most likely turn into bruises by tomorrow. And even though he felt bad for it, he also felt a little proud for putting them there.

"I say, we stay as we are. No ownership, no rules. Until we figure out what we want."

"Until we figure out what we want." Justin repeated.

* * *

They had put on their clothes in silence, and erased all evidence of what had happened in the room. Brian wanted to kiss him again, but it didn't feel right.

Justin had said he'd go meet the guys, and Brian said he'd go for a walk, and would be back later. Walking through the unknown town, people sweating their way to their homes and businesses all around him, he was more at peace than he had in a long time. Maybe ever.

And still, the questions remained. Was he right for doing this? Relationships are bullshit. Love is bullshit. But with Justin it felt like it could be different.

The thing was, he had spent his teenage years thinking he knew who Justin was, building an image of him that was too ideal at times, or too cruel and unfair at others. He had constructed an unrealistic picture, only to find out that Justin was a real person after all. And he had spent his life thinking he knew who he was, and have Justin tear that image apart too. And now, just over the edge of adulthood, he didn't want to think like a child again, and make more mistakes.

There are hundreds of boys out there, Justin had said. And it was true, there were. And he did have things to discover, after his life had taken such a turn for the unexpected. And he was incapable of being that person, the one you see on TV and magazines, the one that commits and lives happily ever after.

He had sworn he'd do everything right, if they got a second chance. But he'd be damned if he knew what right was.

No ownership. No rules. No fear that he'd disappoint Justin again.

But simply not disappointing, didn't feel enough.

The sun was coming down, and the air was humid and hot, like it was before a summer rain. He started walking back to the house, still unsure.

* * *

He walked into the house without having to knock. Apparently, Mike, the guy playing host for these past two evenings, was the type of person who thought it was unnecessary to lock his door, because he lived in a neighborhood of angels. Namely, he was the type of person who is stupid.

"No. No way." Liam was saying.

"Oh come on! Just try it." Adam told him. "I swear you're going to like it."

He walked into the room, and saw they were all gathered in the small living room holding plates, eating from a humongous chocolate cake, while Adam was hovering like an overbearing parent over Liam's head, trying to practically shove strawberries down his throat.

"I am not going to ruin a fucking miracle of pastry with those god-awful monstrosities, Adam! Get off my fucking back about it."

"Just one little juicy perfect strawberry! Look how great it looks!" Liam rolled his eyes.

"Let the man eat, White." Brian called out, making his presence known.

"You tell him…" Liam had a shit eating grin from ear to ear. "Welcome back man."

He nodded at Adam, as a form of greeting, and moved closer to Justin, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor. No one seemed to be surprised to see him, so he took it Justin had filled them in. At least about him staying.

"What are we eating cake for?"

"It's my birthday" Mike informed him. Brian had spent approximately zero quality time with the guy in whose house he'd been staying in the last couple days. He didn't know his last name, let alone his birthday. It was surprising to know the people with the couches actually had like, a life.

"Cool."

"You want some?" Mike No Last Name asked eagerly.

"Nah…"

"Brian has to watch his figure. God forbid he puts on a gram." Justin teased.

"Haven't had any complaints so far." Brian pointed out, smiling slyly. The smile was returned.

Meanwhile, Adam had yet to get off Liam's case. "You can't possibly eat a double chocolate fudge cake with chocolate chips and extra chocolate on top by the pound and not have something to break all that disgusting chocolate flavor."

"Watch me." Liam ate an impressive spoonful to prove his point.

"Disgusting he says. Little Adam's losing it." Justin noted, finishing his own piece.

"You have to serve it with something else." Adam went on, ignoring the comment.

"I _am_ fucking serving it with something else."

"Cookies don't count." Justin chimed in, seemingly pleased to fuel the bickering.

"Neither does cola…." Jake added.

"And is that truffles I see by your hand?" Justin continued, the two of them sharing a laugh.

"Fine! Give me the goddamn strawberry!" Liam bit into the tiniest bit of the fruit, washing it down with another spoonful of cake. Adam watched on, with an all knowing look on his face, as Liam's eyes lit up. "Holy shit. Mind. Blown."

"Told you so. Adam White…"

"Is always right!" a chorus of Justin, Jake and Liam finished off for him.

"Damn right." Adam nodded and finally settled down on his chair, now that his job was done.

"Give me those strawberries." Liam said, grabbing the bowl.

Brian laughed at the absurdity of it all. Here he was, having spent the last weeks with troubling thoughts and doubts eating away his guts, and now he was feeling perfectly happy to watch Adam and Liam argue about _cuisine_. "You guys are weird."

"Ain't it so…" Jake concurred.

"You'll get used to us." Justin informed him with a bright smile, and Brian could only smile back goofily again.

* * *

About an hour later, with Liam's chocolate lust well-satisfied, Mike suggested they go out and celebrate. Brian still didn't know much about the boy but, hey, free drinks never hurt anybody.

Well, maybe they weren't such a good idea when it came to Adam White.

Jake was singing a very slow (and very boring but for whatever reason the others seemed to enjoy it) version of the birthday song as Brian and Justin were putting away the plates, which had resulted to an impromptu dancing number from Adam and Liam. Something that was very entertaining up until Adam, already drunk from Mike's quickly diminishing booze stash, had half-stumbled, half-danced his way into the kitchen and into Brian's arms, where he deposited the contents of his huge cup right onto Brian's shirt.

"Oh great, Adam, thanks a lot." Brian scolded. Not only was this the only piece of clothing not covered in mud from the various concert sites, but taking into consideration it was the also the only piece of clothing he could wear until they got into a house with a washing machine, Brian was destined to spend the next day smelling of cheap, cheap beer.

"Oops."

"Are we sure we should let Adam drink more?" Brian whispered to Justin as the three of them returned to the living room, Adam still shaking his booty out of tune in front of them.

"He's used to it" Justin laughed.

"Are we going to go already?" Mike whined. He was very whiny, that boy.

"Yeah, yeah, we're going." Jake said putting away his guitar, much to Adam's dismay.

Brian started pulling his shirt over his shoulders. He'd just wring it out in the bathroom and wear a hoody over it or something.

"Good, because the offer expires in… Whoa!" Mike stared at Brian's naked chest with an open mouth. A clear invitation to all passing flies.

Brian was used to people swooning over his body, but that was a bit too much.

Liam burst out laughing, pointing at him. "What the hell happened to you? Did you get attacked by a bear?"

Brian looked down, and saw what the others were looking at: namely, his torso covered with scratches, bite marks and hickeys. Ok, so maybe it wasn't his looks everyone was gawking over. For once.

"Or by a very vicious squad of fan girls!" Adam added, laughing as well.

"At least someone had fun today. Was that why you were out all day?" Jake sniggered.

Robocop, you clueless douche bag.

Justin seemed to be struggling to contain laughter himself, and Brian glared in his general direction.

"I'll go wash this out." he said instead of a better explanation. As he moved into the bathroom he heard Mike complaining once again, and everyone getting ready to head out of the house.

Brian dropped the soaking wet shirt into the bathroom sink. He washed it out with water from the tap, and wrung it out as he heard the outside door close behind them.

Great, no one thought to tell him where the hell they were going.

"There's detergent under the sink."

Brian jumped in surprise. He turned to look at Justin, who was standing at the doorframe, with a satisfied look on his face.

"Why didn't you go out with them?"

Justin shrugged. "Got better things to do." He moved to stand behind Brian, bringing a hand up his chest and looking at the mirror in front of them. "You could wear something of Jake's, he's about your size."

Brian squeezed the shirt one last time. "I'd rather not have Robocop's hand me downs."

"Suit yourself." Justin replied, choosing to ignore the pointed comment. His other hand circled Brian's waist, and he kissed the side of his neck lightly.

Brian turned to face him, not completely satisfied with the lack of commentary on Jake. "I thought hickeys and scratches were things you grow out of, when your voice stops breaking."

Justin let out a small laugh. "Sorry about that." He dragged his fingers over Brian's collar bone, across the various marks decorating his chest then up his neck, and finally let it rest on his nape. "Guess I was out of line. Can I make it up to you?" He brought his lips down to Brian's skin, and kissed the path his fingers had taken before, soft and soothing, until Brian forgot what it was he'd been ticked off about.

Brian felt himself relax under Justin's caress, and lose all meaning of self control and disposition. He brought a palm to Justin's chin, turning the boy's face up toward him and kissed him deeply. Justin seemed eager to follow the new turn of events, and Brian pulled him closer, turning around so that it was Justin's back against the sink.

"Are they going to be gone for long?" Brian asked between fevered kisses.

"I sure hope so."

Brian started pulling at his clothes, needing to feel skin against his own, until Justin's shirt was a bulging mess catching under his armpits, and Justin had to break away for a second and pull it over his head himself. He brought his hands under Justin's kneecaps, pulling his legs over his waist, trying to get closer still.

"Relax, we've got time." Justin whispered amused into his ear, but there had been enough things between them already, without adding clothes. Justin's legs were circling his waist now, and Brian leaned into him, kissing with more anxiety and need, Justin's palms on his back and neck and hair and everywhere, his rising heartbeat against Brian's own, and still he couldn't get close enough.

"Tell me this is not one of those things we need to figure out." Brian told him, moving to kiss his cheek and temple, lingering on the corner of his mouth. "That it's one of the things we _want_ to do. Now."

Justin backed his face up a little, looking him in the eye, and Brian's pulse quickened a little more. "This is definitely one of the things we want to do."

* * *

"So…. are you guys like… sleeping with other people too?" the voice from the other end of the line asked.

"For now, yeah." Justin answered, sounding a lot more confident than he felt.

"It'll never work." Daphne answered automatically, as if saying 2 plus 2 equals 4.

"Yes it will."

"Won't."

"Stop that." He scowled, even though he knew she could not see him. In the week that had went by since Brian and he had had "The Talk" he had gradually gotten used to the idea. And then he had to go and call Daphne, and have her bring every little doubt he had to the fore. "It's going to work. It's _workin_g fine!"

"So you're saying he's actually fucking other guys and you don't care_ at all_?"

"I can fuck other people too, it's a two-way arrangement." Justin avoided the question. "Besides, I happen to think it is a great idea. Not all of us have to be in a conformist relationship to feel safe."

"Mmhmm…. And how many people have you slept with since you agreed on that?"

"That's besides the point. But if you absolutely _have_ to know, none. I have not felt the need to."

"And how many guys has Brian been with since you two decided on that arrangement… what was it? 6 days ago?"

"That I know of? I think… about… ten or something…."

"Yeah, it's totally working, I can tell." Daphne's voice was full of sarcasm.

"It's not a competition Daph."

"Well if it were, you'd be losing!"

"Can we change the subject? How's your mom doing?" He told her, remembering her mother was going through a nasty cold last time they talked.

"Fine." She answered and he could tell she would be pouting at him for not telling her, if she were there. A blissful moment of peace passed away in silence, and Justin looked around trying to come up with a reason to hang up on her. "You are using condoms right?"

"What the…? Jesus, Daph what kind of a question is that?"

"I was just reading on Freddie Mercury and how he has, you know… AIDs" she whispered the last part as if it were a particularly vile curse word.

"Rumours." He dismissed her comment.

"Justin! Tell me you are using condoms." She insisted.

"Yes. For fuck's sake. We…" he looked up at Jake who was approaching, and added in a low voice. "We are using condoms. Stop worrying. _Mom._"

He didn't hear much of her relieved monologue and the further explanation on articles she had been reading on tabloids, because Jake had reached his side and was signaling to tell him something. Justin put a palm on the speaker and gave Jake a questioning look.

"I want to use the phone when you're done."

"Oh, ok, ok." Justin told him understanding. Every day since Steve had left, Jake would call Steve's girlfriend to find out any news on the whereabouts of the drummer. It had become something of a morning ritual. "Daph…" she was still talking, and he had to speak a little louder to get her attention. "Daph! I gotta go, Jake wants to make a call."

He hang up and turned to Jake. "No luck yet huh?"

"None at all."

"Do you think maybe…?" he wasn't sure how to finish that question. It was very bizarre that Steve was nowhere to be found. From what he knew, Steve stayed at his girlfriend's usually. And if she hadn't seen him in about two weeks then… Steve might be an ass, but he didn't wish anything bad on the guy either…

Jake shrugged. He seemed pretty brought down about the whole issue. "Hey, what are doing tonight?" he asked as he grabbed the phone.

"Jake, we live together." he replied amused.

"I know, I meant, do you… want to do something tonight? Like a movie or something?"

"I don't know. It's going to be hard to find a movie all 5 of us are gonna like." Justin commented, from experience. They could hardly agree on anything.

"No, not all 5 us. Just you and me."

"Oh. Sure." Justin looked at him confused.

"Great." Jake turned his back to him and started dialing the number by heart.

Justin walked back to the table the rest of them were sharing. They had been sitting in that same table for over 3 hours, and the owner of the pub was starting to give them weird looks. But it was the only thing they could do right now. The girl who was supposed to have them stay over for the night had not showed up yet, and they were left to wait around the pub, with Liam ordering beer after beer to keep the waiter at bay.

He felt Brian's hand snake on top of his thigh as he sat down next to him and gave him a small smile.

"This fucking beer is like piss with foam. And not even fresh piss. More like 5 day old piss with foam." Liam informed him.

"Good to know."

Liam nodded, as if reassured, and went back to drinking the beer and eating, looking to the world like someone who had to endure several injustices.

"What were you talking about with Daphne?" Brian whispered in his ear. Justin looked around at the table, but Adam was too busy staring at Jake's back to pay attention to them, and Liam probably didn't care enough to notice.

"None of your business." he failed at sounding strict when Brian was so close to him.

"Let me guess…" his hand travelled up Justin's leg, to his crotch. "me?"

"You'd be surprised to know that the world does not revolve around you." Justin told him, all the while wishing Brian's hand would not just be there limb, not doing anything.

"I find that incredibly hard to believe."

Justin tried to maintain a nonchalant expression, pretty sure that it might be considered rude around here to have your unconventional, kinda-maybe boyfriend's hand between your legs under the table.

" Lets go somewhere."

"To do what?" Usually he would have interpreted this as an invitation to fuck, but after Jake's unexpected invitation just 5 minutes before, he was starting to second guess everything.

"I want to talk about the Gulf War with you." Brian whispered in his most seductive voice, and let out a chuckle at Justin's genuine surprise. "I want to fuck you."

" There's nowhere we can go" Justin whispered back, and he could not believe he had the calm to analyze or speak, not when Brian's hand was casually moving now over the thin fabric.

"There's always this table right here." At Justin's deadpan expression he went on. "Fine, if you don't want to, I can always find someone else. Just look at all those fine specimens." He motioned around the pub with a slight movement of his head. The whole place was occupied by middle-aged locals, that Justin knew for a fact were not up to Brian's taste. "Especially him." He said looking at a particular patron sitting at the bar, chugging down the same beer Liam hated so much. He was wearing a leather biker's jacket, the buttons straining over his protruding belly, an intimidating mass of curly chest hair visible over its top. When the man started picking his nose, with the same amount of fascinated enthusiasm one would go about digging for oil, Brian added "He's one sexy beast."

Justin couldn't help it. He laughed loudly, waking Adam and Liam from their stupor.

"What are you two whispering about?" Adam asked confused.

"I'm telling Justin how breathtaking you look today." said Brian, which only served to make Justin laugh louder.

Adam glared at Brian. "I don't like you."

"I'll make sure to write a sad poem about it later." Brian mocked, glaring back.

Meanwhile, Jake had found his way back at the table. Justin felt himself sober up immediately, looking at Jake's darkened expression.

"Nothing?" Adam asked and Jake nodded gloomily.

* * *

Title from The Smiths -How Soon Is Now

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	20. Chapter 20

A/N I'm not dead! :P

Two scenes are influenced *cough completely stolen cough* by the movie the Runaways.

Thanks to Lupin111 as always.

* * *

**Neon Angels on the way to Ruin**

Justin was sitting on a dark theater room, with poor airconditioning making him sweat and the smell of pop corn in his nostrils. The movie on the silverscreen was not particularly interesting (he had picked it with his eyes literally closed after all) but the viewers didn't seem concerned with that- most of them were couples who spent more time sucking face than keeping their eyes on the screen.

Jake and he were located in the very back, with only one other row of torn and tattered seats behind them. He thought it was a little paranoid to be in a hot dark room in the middle of summer, with the sound of the guy who just had to sit exactly behind him and munch heavily on his popcorn the way a hyena would devour an antelope, and watching a movie that was tolerable at best. But Jake seemed to have fun, and in some way that was enough to make the experience significantly less annoying.

It was nice to spend some time with Jake again. Not that they were strangers of course, but since Brian had showed up the amount of time they were together alone was approaching zero. If Justin was honest with himself- a practice he found to be necessary but very inconvenient all the same- he'd admit he'd been avoiding Jake like the plague for the last ten days at least.

So, he was willing to continue watching the stupid movie for Jake's sake. Especially since the man had been in such a rotten mood after Steve had left.

He felt the tiniest sting of guilt somewhere in the back of his mind. If he indulged in some of that inconvenient "know thou self" stuff again, he'd say he might had had a small amount of anxiety about how to get away for a whole evening with Jake, and what Brian's reaction would be. Which was the silliest thing of course. Brian had found out there was a gay bar in the city earlier that day, and could care less where Justin would be. And after all, it was just an evening out with a friend. Why should he feel guilty about having fun with a friend?

A friend you've slept with, the little Adam-sounding voice of conscious reminded him.

Justin managed to shush it until Jake told him jokingly, or so it seemed at least, that they should just go with the flow and start kissing like everyone around them. Justin gave him a smile in place of an answer and Jake smiled back charmingly and turned to the screen again.

Ok, so there was no way around it: Jake looked good. The fact that his Brian-filled mind could even be still attracted to him was a sure evidence of exactly how good he looked. And if Justin remembered correctly, that was not the only one of his talents.

He groaned inwardly. Jake is a friend, nothing more, he reminded himself.

Who are you trying to fool? the damned Adam voice asked.

It doesn't matter in any way. I am not going to do anything with him.

Why not? Brian is out there right now fucking someone, the voice said and Justin was very unnerved by its tone, that jealousy that he could recognize in it.

It doesn't matter if he is. We have a deal. I don't have the right to be jealous, I cannot be.

Doesn't mean you aren't, Adam sing songed.

_Oh shut the fuck up._

After an hour or so the damned movie was over finally and they were making their way back to Abby's- Abby being their hostess for the night. They had split into two houses actually, since Abby's house was too small for all of them, and she had very helpfully recruited a friend for the cause. So, they would only be seeing Adam and Liam in the morning.

Jake had a hand over his shoulders casually, and Justin was reminding himself not to read much into it. They were still friends for fuck's sake, why was he freaking out about every little thing all of a sudden?

"You wanna go grab something to eat?" Jake suggested.

"Wow, movie and dinner? Are you trying to woo me?"

"Is it working?" Jake asked smiling, and Justin opted for laughing again instead of answering. With all the smiles and laughs Jake would probably think there was something seriously wrong with him by the time they got home.

He kept telling himself not to just act naturally, when Jake kissed him out of nowhere. It wasn't a forcible kiss, and Justin probably kissed him back a little, but it was too surprising and over too quickly to be sure.

"What was that for?" Justin was surprised but he was also smiling. He couldn't help it, Jake looked like he had just out smarted a playmate to get him to give up his favorite toy.

"I'm providing positive reinforcement."

Justin laughed incredulously.

"It's ok, right? I mean, with Brian and all?" Jake asked, and Justin was even more confused. Sure, they weren't hiding the fact they were together –if "together" was the appropriate term- but they weren't exactly shouting from the rooftops either. He certainly had not told Jake, and he would be more than surprised if Brian had.

"You're not exclusive?" Jake's question tore him away from his musings.

"No, no we're not."

"Good." Jake said matter-of -factly, and continued walking as if nothing had happened.

They walked down the street and they had already changed subjects to the concert of the day after, when they came to a halt outside a buzzing bar. He wouldn't have understood it was anything different from the rest of the pubs and bars, if Brian had not walked outside that exact moment, almost not visible, nestled as he was between two other men.

"Sunshine!" Brian walked away from them immediately and came up to him. His eyes were a little glazed over, but he didn't seem too affected by whatever he had taken. "I was just thinking about you. Oh, bye Jake." He waved at Jake, who was backing away mouthing "see you soon" and pulled Justin in for a kiss. "I have something for you. A…gift." He added smiling back at the men standing a little away. "It's really looking forward for you to unwrap it."

* * *

Brian pulled the two tightly wrapped pieces of paper from his backpack. Reluctance coupled with forgetfulness had resulted in him keeping them for so long. But today was good a time as any to give them away.

They were supposed to open for this past-its-prime band that same night, and even though the concert was more than 5 hours away, they had hurled into their small changing room already. Jake was showing them yet another song he had come up with lately, and Brian had to admit it was decent. He wouldn't go as far as to look at the guy with starry eyes and almost drooling- a behavior Adam was exhibiting splendidly right now- but he could at least admit it had… potential. If Jake hadn't chosen to sit exactly at the spot where he'd be able to catch Justin's attention best- and it was obvious that he was completely aware of the fact, if only by the way he slipped meaningful looks at the boy now and then- Brian would have probably liked it more.

He moved in front of Justin and sat across from him on the floor, knees touching.

"I have something for you."

Justin looked around searching "Don't tell me a ripped man in his birthday suit will magically appear from behind you."

Brian showed him one of the parchments.

"How did you ever manage to fit the poor guy in that?" He asked in mock-shock as he took it in his hands.

"It's your diploma smart ass."

Now Justin's shock was genuine. He pulled the ribbon and stared at the paper, scanning it quickly with his eyes from top to bottom.

"Sorry if it's a little crammed… And a little late. I sort of forgot I had it." Justin didn't answer, he just kept looking at the paper, and Brian felt a little uneasy. Was he wrong for taking the diploma? Maybe Justin thought he had gone too far. "I figured you'd want it. And it could help if you ever go looking for a different job."

"This is so…" Justin started saying, finally looking up, and Brian was half expecting to get yelled at "so very kind. And sweet, really sweet. Thank you." he concluded smiling brightly.

"No problem." Brian smiled back. "I have yours too Adam." he poked the other boy on the shoulder.

Adam was annoyed to have to interrupt his session of obsessive Robocop appreciation. "What do you want?"

"Your diploma, mister White. Will your highness like to take a look at it?"

"My…Oh. Cool." He said looking at it. "Didn't even know you knew my last name."

"They called it from the speakers."

Justin chuckled at Adam's cold look. "Yeah… thanks." He said before returning his attention to Jake and his new song, like a good fangirl.

The song came to an end and Liam seemed just as impressed as Adam-maybe minus the drooling. "Jake, you're a genius. Best song you've ever written. How the hell do you come up with these stuff?"

"I've had plenty of inspiration lately" Jake answered, looking at Justin once again, not too subtly.

Justin barely acknowledged him though. He let the diploma rest on his lap, a hand still around it firmly, like it was a precious gift, and moving just a little bit closer he smiled brilliantly at Brian once more.

Kinney Robocop: 1-0.

* * *

He sang into the microphone, trying out different tones to check how well they sounded. Brian was sitting behind the drums, but didn't seem to be very interested in the soundcheck, lazily beating his hands on his knees rather than the brackets against the drums.

Justin had the feeling he had been dragged away from the others, not so much for a soundcheck, but so that they could be alone.

And it was a hard task finding a way to be alone together. Parents might not be looking over their shoulders, but sharing living space with 3 more people proved problematic when it came to that.

"How long do you think this'll take?" Brian asked, finally giving up on the drums and walking up behind him.

"Dunno. We don't have that much time anyway. Just need to tune the guitars a bit and that's that." He responded, picking up Adam's guitar. He smiled at the little person Adam had painted with a marker on it. It looked like a prisoner wearing a stripped uniform, trapped forever behind the metal strings.

He had had this unnerving feeling ever since they had set out for this journey with Trip, when it came to Adam. Not that they had fought or anything, but he couldn't shake off the thought that Adam had been growingly distant, and that he was hiding something.

Or it could just be him projecting his own guilt for not letting him in on the Brian situation sooner.

He checked the sound, after plugging the guitar in. Of course there was no need to. Adam always had his instruments well-tuned.

A pair of arms encircled his waist and he leaned onto Brian, enjoying the warm breath on his neck. "Did you have fun last night?"

"Of course." Justin smiled. He had been a little reluctant at first to share Brian with anyone else. But the way Brian had claimed him for his own, wordlessly stating that they were each other's and the pair of the other two men were only a casual hook-up that would be forgotten come the light of day, had led him to enjoy the experience tremendously. " They were very talented." He felt Brian's sly grin as he pressed his mouth on his cheek.

"And before? With Jake? What did you do?"

"We watched a movie…" Justin shrugged.

"And…." he drawled out.

"And that was that. Then we ran into you."

"Did he offer to buy you dinner? Hold the doors for you and give you flowers? Maybe break into an operatic song on the way home, confessing his undying love for you?"

"No." Justin was annoyed by his tone. As if Justin had ever expressed the need to be pampered like a spoiled princess. "Only dinner." He added as an afterthought.

Brian snorted. "Figures. Did he kiss you?"

"Yes." He said, turning around to look him in the eye.

"Obviously. He wouldn't miss the chance."

"I liked it." Justin told him, starting to get pissed off a little. Brian should not even be asking these things. Their agreement didn't give him any right to.

Brian gave him a sour look and started to move away, but Justin caught his arm before he had the chance to. "Are you jealous?" maybe his voice was a little more interested and hopeful than it should be.

"I don't do jealous."

And yet the way he kissed him the next second, deeply, passionately, left Justin with a whole different impression.

"These guys we'll open up for. Do we know them?"

"Yep." Justin said, not missing the abrupt change of subject. "They were the shit back in the day. It's kind of a big deal for us, I'd say. I'm surprised you haven't heard of them. But then again, it is you. You don't know much about these stuff anyway." He said a little scathingly, and quickly kissed the corner of Brian's mouth to take some of the sting away.

"I don't see the reason to have heard of them. They haven't heard of me."

"And they're missing out." Justin smiled at his pride.

"That goes without saying."

"They're a metal band. Not our crowd per say, but they still have a big following. This place will be packed in half an hour. Steve knew their singer." He didn't know what made him talk of Steve in the past tense.

" Now I can't wait to get to know them." Brian said sarcastically.

"No, it's fine. I mean, Jake knows them too."

"Ah. Jake knows them too." Brian repeated, not sounding that pleased.

"You know the singer calls himself Ezekiel?" Justin said, choosing not to linger on why Brian was being so difficult.

"So? What are they, a Christian metal band?"

"No." Justin chuckled. "He spells it with two Ls… Eze-KILL." He let his tongue play around with the word. "Sometimes people just call him Kill."

"Kill…" Brian snickered. "E-ze-kill. Where the fuck do we find those people?"

"Dunno." Justin laughed more openly now. Brian's hand on his waist, just being there, felt so good. He repeated the name and they laughed again, even though it wasn't that funny, as he turned to acknowledge the new presence in the room.

Only to come face to face with the man in question himself. The other band's singer didn't seem too pleased with how they were treating his name.

Justin moved away from the warm embrace, and pretended not to pay much attention to the newcomers, as he unnecessarily tested the microphones a second time. The singer was joined by another man from the band whose name he didn't know

Brian quickly caught on and moved to his assigned post.

The two men sat at the edge of the stage, feet dangling and eyes fixed on the pair of them. Justin didn't like their looks. He went on, turning his back on them and picking up Liam's bass guitar this time. Liam, being the opposite of Adam, hadn't taken the same amount of care. He set it straight, and playing a basic tune started singing into the microphone again. After a couple minutes he saw Kill pull the plug.

"What the… Plug me back in."

"Go along _kid_. Soundcheck's over. Take your queer boyfriend and go do your homework." Kill said, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

Justin knew he was looking for a fight but he couldn't stop himself from saying "Fuck you old man."

The cigarette hit him on the cheek.

He felt rather than saw Brian jump up and get in front of the guy in a matter of seconds.

"The fuck's your problem?" Brian was seething with fury. He pushed the guy hard and him and his fellow bandmate soon teamed up against Brian.

Old they might be, but Justin was no fool. He knew they could easily take Brian down, and in any way, it would effectively cancel their deal less than an hour from the concert. A deal that included money they did not have.

"Hey, I wouldn't. It's a lose-lose situation." he interfered quickly.

"How's that?"

"Well, if you win you beat up a fag. If you lose you get beat up by two."

" You've got a lot of nerve for a fag, kid. Learn some respect."

"Respect for a bunch of assholes like you?" Brian glared, but Justin was pulling him back before he could pick up the fight again.

"Maybe if you _ever_ headline, you'll have the right to talk." The other man said, but the crisis had been averted.

" Soon you'll be opening up for us." Brian retorted, going back to the drums grudgingly.

"Opening your legs maybe."

They did go through with the soundcheck after all. Brian hadn't talked again because of the warning looks Justin kept sending his way, but he had more or less refused to give up and leave all together, up until the crowd had started gathering. He was glaring daggers at the other two the whole way through. When they were finally leaving, Justin's cheek feeling like it was on fire, Jake was making his way to the stage to warm up the gathering crowd with a couple of songs on the acoustic. He looked at the two of them confused by their hostile expressions, but Justin only nodded, putting a hand over Brian's shoulder and heading backstage.

"You should have let me kick the bastard's teeth in." Brian said still mad. "Does it hurt?" he added, gingerly touching Justin's skin.

" A little." He lied quickly, testing the bathroom door, wanting to wash his face with cold water or something. It was locked. "Hey man, come on! I need to get in!" He knocked on the door twice more but no response came. "Shit."

They walked down the hallway, still half-hugging. Brian came to an abrupt halt.

"Check this out."

They were outside a door that read "headliners".

They shared a long moment of silence before coming to an unspoken agreement.

The room was littered with wraps of food and empty bottles. "Their dressing room is three fucking times bigger than ours." Justin noted. "And look at all the food they got, jeez. What are you doing?" he looked up from his inspection to see Brian unzipping his pants.

Brian started to pee on a guitar lying on the floor.

" Shit."

"Maybe later." Brian grinned, keeping up the stream.

" What the hell man, you're peeing on their guitars?" Justin was too busy laughing his ass off to really sound reprimanding.

"It'll probably add to their sound." He tucked his dick back in his trousers as they heard someone coming.

"Come on." Justin caught his hand, pulling him away from the room, but Brian let go and went back inside. As Justin turned around he saw him slipping into the lake of his own piss and falling on his ass, which only made Justin laugh harder. Brian got back up, grabbing a handful of food from the table and hastily making his way out of the room, handing the food to Justin in the process.

Going back toward the stage, still laughing, they could hear Jake who was entertaining the gathering crowd. He was playing the new song he had written. The bathroom door opened and out came Adam with some disheveled bloke Justin had never seen before. Adam gave him a peck on the lips and sent him on his way.

"You lucky bastard!" Justin told him, eyeing the very well shaped retrieving figure. He pushed forward and onto the stage, looking around for Liam.

"I'm impressed White. Thought you were sniveling in front of the mirror over love lost in there." He heard Brian say from behind him, but he had no time to question what they were going on about.

Liam was skipping towards the stage, and Justin picked up his guitar, still gleaming even though his cheek stung a bit.

The show was on.

* * *

"So." Justin started. Adam was helping him lift the drum set to the back of the truck, and doing so very unsuccessfully. His back was starting to act up and he was out of breath, but he wouldn't let the golden opportunity pass him by. He had decided to take a page from Daphne's book, even though he'd at least try to be more subtle about it. So, when there's a problem, there's a solution. Problem: Adam was distant. Objective: Bonding. Solution: talk. "Who was that guy the other night?"

"What guy?" Adam was hidden somewhere behind the drums. "Turn right."

Justin did as instructed. "The guy you hooked up with in the toilets yesterday. Don't tell me you already forgot."

"Just some guy. I told you to turn right."

"I am turning right. Some guy? Didn't you get a name?"

"Oh shit. Left, left, left!" he heard a muffled voice, and felt the weight becoming unbearable. They finally managed to load the drums, and reveled in a collective sigh of relief.

"Did you get a name?" Justin repeated.

"Jim… I think?"

"You think?" his plan wasn't going well, if he was snapping.

"Oh, don't act like a prude. Like you know every guy you fuck?"

"No. It's just… not your style…"

"It is now." Adam cracked his wrists, acting like nothing was out of the ordinary, as Jake was approaching carrying a handful of duffel bags and music sheets. And then the most peculiar thing happened. It was as if Adam had been hit by lightning. He instantly shut up and looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"I gotta… get the…" And with that he was gone. Justin looked around the back of the truck. Nothing seemed to be missing.

"The what?" he called out but got no answer. He looked after his friend, confused. "Don't you think Adam's been acting weird lately?"

"Dunno." Jake shrugged, uninterested. "Hey Brian, come on already."

Brian glared daggers at him, as he carried the last of the guitars to the car.

"Don't _you_ think Adam's weird lately?"

"Isn't he always weird?"

"No, I mean more than usual. Like he has something to say but he just doesn't…say it.."

"You really are oblivious sometimes." Brian told him, arranging the guitar so as to take as little space as possible. He didn't seem inclined to explain more.

"What do you know?"

"Hell no.I'm not getting into this drama. He's _your_ friend."

"If you know something, you have to tell me."

"My lips are sealed." He mimicked pulling a zipper over his mouth. "Though it's not that hard to figure out."

"But Brian…" he was interrupted by Jake honking and screaming for the other two to "get a move on!" "Come on, tell me." He gave him his most winning smile.

"Nope." He settled in the back.

" I'm not going to tell anyone you told me, I promise." Justin pleaded again in a whisper, as Adam was approaching, looking suspicious.

"Just open your eyes."

"You're such an ass sometimes." He gave up, moving to the passenger's seat.

They hadn't gone far, before the first unsettling signs started showing. The car was making sounds Justin was sure it was not supposed to make, until, giving out one last dying roar it stopped on its tracks, smoke coming out from the engine.

They jumped out of the car, Jake cursing along the way.

'What the fuck happened?" Liam had reached the front in no time.

"What did you do?" Brian sounded accusing, glaring at Jake like he had seen the other guy had poured sugar in the tank.

"Nothing, Baby just crashed."

"You call your car Baby?" Brian scoffed. "How fitting." He looked pointedly at the old wreck of a car.

"Hey, at least I have a car."

Jeez, what was wrong with everyone today?

Brian opened the hood to inspect the damage. " It was bound to happen. See there?" He went on to explain something Jake should have apparently done months ago in technical jiberish.

"Can you fix it?" Justin asked, tired of their hostile glares already.

"Of course." He and Jake started arguing in more jiberish car talk, spending more time throwing insults at each other than actually trying to fix the car.

Half an hour later, the car was still broken, their anger had skyrocketed to them just screaming at each other, Liam had gotten an ice cream and Justin was nagging Adam to give him more details about the other night.

" And now you're having sex with just anyone? That is so not like you Adam."

"Why? All of you do it."

" You're just not the type to find some random, that's all."

"Are you saying I'm not capable to find someone to fool around with?"

"What?" Justin had to repeat the sentence in his head to fully understand what was being said. "No, no I didn't mean that."

"Because I am very much capable of that. I might not have guys gathering up in lines to get to spend the night with me like you do, but I have my share."

"What… Adam, what are you going on about? I never said you can't get guys."

" You know what? Maybe you should sort out your love life before you start meddling with mine."

To say Justin was shocked would be an understatement. Sure, Adam could be a bit of a prick sometimes, but he was never intentionally rude. Not to him anyway.

"Well, fuck you very much…" he murmured, deciding not to waste any more time talking to the git.

" God they're going to start pissing in the corners soon. Oi, kids!" Adam called out to the fighting duo. "Can we just admit none of you have a clue what you're doing and get the damn car for service already?" he said, getting up from the sidewalk and walking up to them.

" Something weird is going on here."

"Tell me about it." Liam replied sinisterly, licking his chocolate stained lips.

* * *

Baby's injuries were barely salvageable. If she were a person, she'd have a broken leg, severe concussion, memory loss, lots of deep cuts and maybe a broken tooth or two. Maybe something that would have the doctors asking for several blood transfusions. Which in the real world translated into a bucketful of money they didn't have.

So, Justin had taken it upon himself to sing the streets and gather some, while Liam and Jake went around town looking for a day's work. Brian was sitting cross legged next to him, neither singing nor contributing to the unraveling of the mystery Adam had suddenly become.

"Is this punishment? Because I'm not going to tell you anything, you know that." Brian said, passing a palm over his forehead to remove the sweat forming there. The sun was high up, the heat barely tolerable, and the passing crowds thin. "You can torture me with severe sunburns all you want."

"It's not punishment, I just wanted you here."

"But I can't sing…" Brian murmured from somewhere on his left.

Justin looked at the almost empty cup where passer-bys would –quite infrequently- leave money for his street music.

"You don't have to sing. Just sit there and look good. Make flirty eyes at the female customers" he always called them customers, as if he was playing at a legitimate bar or concert "and make me some money!"

"Pimp."

Justin started a new song. He ignored the summer heat and concentrated into his playing. Soon the cup was not so empty.

From the corner of his eye he could see Brian making the most of what he had asked him, and then a pair of blond girls with hippie clothing and a tall brunette boy about their age, with leather sandals and a long wavy yellow shirt, sitting down on the ground only a few feet away from them, start singing and playing guitars to an unknown rhythm.

He immediately took it as an offence. They had barely made enough money for lunch, and here was another group stealing their thunder. "Hey." He called out. The three heads turned to him. "Find a different spot."

"You don't own the street honey." The boy told him and the two girls responded with a chorus of giggles.

"We were here first."

"And now we are here, second." The boy shrugged. "We sing here every day. You are the newcomers. Besides, what, are you afraid of a little competition?" they went back to ignoring him, playing their songs, the girls strumming the guitars and singing, and the boy swaying to the music, uncaring.

Under different circumstances, Justin might have liked them. The boy had big kind eyes, and even though he had told Justin off, he still didn't seem intentionally mean. If it had been a different day, a day when they didn't need the money, and most importantly, a day when Justin was not already pissed off by his little argument with Adam, he would have probably joined them and they could have played together. But the thing was, this was not one of those days. He _was_ pissed off, and even the slightest offence was enough to turn him into a competitive freak. So, even though somewhere in the back of his brain the ridiculousness of a catfight over pennies registered, he firmly ignored it.

He was going to make more money than them, even if he had to sing his throat raw.

15 minutes passed, and their respective cups were filling up at equal speed. Until Justin decided it was time to pull out the big guns.

"Take off your shirt."

"Although I admire your appreciation, I'm sure you can win this impromptu rock-off without my help."

Justin glared. "Off with it."

"Fine…" Brian said obediently.

It worked like a charm. Brian's bronze body, sprawled out in the sun like a laid back movie star, soon attracted a buzzing crowd of fawning girls and a few boys.

Justin sniggered as he finished his next song and their small following erupted in applause.

"You guys are so cute." One of the girls said breathless, alternatively gawking at the two of them. Justin smirked, pointedly moving the cup a bit forward, ignoring Brian's eyeroll.

The other group had to admit defeat soon after. They were getting ready to leave, when the boy spotted an approaching Jake and got up to greet him with a friendly hug.

"Jake knows them?" Justin asked out loud.

"Of course he does. Doesn't he know everyone?" Brian glared at Jake's back, much more interested in beating the others now that Jake was being friendly to them.

The chat was short lived. The two girls and the boy waved Justin and Brian goodbye and got up to leave. Justin begrudgingly returned their goodbye.

"I got a job for tonight." Jake said instead of hello, plopping down next to Justin. "Waiting tables with Liam at that restaurant down the street. How did you guys do?"

Brian showed him the almost full cup, which produced a sound of clattering coins. "We would have done better if your friend hadn't showed up with his two followers."

"Emmet? He was just playing around with you." Jake shrugged. "He said he was this close to giving you all their money too" he indicated with his thumb and index finger "so they left before he could um… lose his shirt." He looked pointedly at Brian who only raised a challenging eyebrow in response. "Anyway, have you seen Adam? I've been looking around for him all day."

"No, I haven't." Justin told him coldly. Seeing Adam was not high in his list of priorities at this moment.

"Can you give him this if you do?" He passed over a flyer. " The DotDotDots are having a concert tonight. Here of all places! Doesn't Adam have like a shrine dedicated to them?"

Justin didn't respond, but took the flyer nonetheless, folded it and put it in his back pocket. The git did love the stupid DotDotDots.

Jake got up to leave. "Oh, Kill offered to buy my song. The new one." He added as an afterthought.

"Figures. The losers can't even write their own songs." Brian commented from his place on Justin's left.

"Did they give you a lot of money for it?"

"Yeah. A lot." He emphasized.

"And?"

"And I told them it's not for sale." Jake shrugged. "By the way, did you know someone pissed on their guitars?" he laughed, shaking his head incredulous. "The world's insane…" he said before leaving.

"Who would ever do such a thing?" Brian laughed, lighting one of Justin's smokes.

A/N Sorry for the mostly filler chapter.

Title is a Runaways song

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	21. not sure if you're a boy or a girl

**A/N: So.** It's been _ages_ hasn't it? I can't really get into why I haven't updated, but for a while I thought this story was doomed. But a couple of people expressed interest and I thought what the hell. So if you're reading this I want to apologise and thank you with all my heart for even taking the time to.

There are a few glitches with this chapter. First of all it's about twice the usual size. Secondly a part is written in present tense, and I hope that doesn't allienate anyone, but it just felt better that way-plus it was an absolute bitch to edit and it's not that well edited either anyway. Thirdly, I kind of treated it as a stand-alone and I think it feels that way too. Not sure if it's a good pr a bad thing *shrugs*.

A million thanks to Lupin111 for helping me immensely, even with stuff she doesn't necessairily like.

**You've got your mother in a whirl cause she's****  
****Not sure if you're a boy or a girl**

Watching Brian Kinney in action was a thrill. He knew exactly what to do to make someone sitting several feet away feel squeamish and hot, with some persistent staring, a nod of the head, a sly smile. People on the other side of the world could quite possibly be getting boners. Justin suspected that even if they never made it in the music world, they could just sell Brian's pheromones and make millions.

Those exact charms were now being used on an unsuspecting victim across the street. Well, maybe not so unsuspecting, considering the man in question had been watching Brian for several minutes now, ignoring the friends surrounding him.

While Justin was contemplating whether the eyefucking was more of a turn on for him than it should be, since he wasn't even part of it, a dishelved Adam sat cross legged next to him.

"There are literary no jobs in this town, that don't require tending to drooling elderly or giving ass." Adam exclaimed indignantly, sitting next to Justin. "Hey babe. I am at my wit's end. How are you guys doing?"

Justin let Adam's non recognition of their semi-row slide for now. "We did pretty well actually. Though there's hardly enough money to aid Baby's recovery."

" Huh. Brian didn't you… Woah." He did a double take. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt Kinney?"

"Because our clients apparently dig it." Brian responded. "Case in point." He jingled the full cup in front of Adam's face.

" Ah, Brian, so full of pride, even after you just had to whore yourself out for coins."

" I'd like to see you try to pull off the same with your scrawny ass."

" Don't get pissed, I'm just disappointed no one told me we were filming Last Tango in Paris. I would have brought the butter tub."

"Much as I enjoy your love and hate relationship, I'm gonna have to interrupt this charming banter." Justin said before Brian could deliver the acidic response that was obviously coming. " Look at this." He passed the flyer to Adam. "Can you believe the DotDotDots are doing a gig here?"

" No way." Adam stared at the flyer, mouth gaping. He let it fall in awe, and Brian caught it before it could touch the ground. "I LOVE this band."

"I _know_ this band…" Brian marveled at the rare occurance.

"Congrats MTV top 40." Adam gave him a pat in the back. "You're getting there. Now are we going to focus on the matter at hand? How are we gonna get in? I barely have enough cash for a blowjob by Linda Lovelace here." He said pointing to Brian.

"That's what I've been trying to figure out." Justin told him. "You're the expert on breaking and entering, can't you think of anything?"

They began discussing sneaking in techniques, from catapults to unleashing slightly radioactive crocodiles on the crowd so they could sneak in unnoticed but for some reason none seemed quite plausible.

"See you later." Brian said getting up with a predatory smirk at the lover boy from across the street.

"Wait I thought we were coming up with evil plans to sneak into the concert." Justin tried to stop him from leaving.

"I'm sure you girls can manage." Brian blew him off.

"Don't forget your shirt." Justin shouted after him.

"Won't be needing it."

Indeed, he didn't. Under a minute he had taken the stranger in search of secluded areas for a quickie. Justin tried not to stare after him too obviously.

" It's just a random hook up, don't worry about it." Adam told him.

" I'm not worried."

" You sure? I'd recognize that jealous boyfriend look of doom anywhere."

"Not jealous. And he's not my boyfriend remember?"

" Hmmm… You know it's fine to be a little jealous. I mean he did just leave with another dude."

"I'm not jealous." Justin repeated. "I don't care if he fucks a million dudes."

" Of course you don't. As long as he's not choosing _them_ over _you." _

It wasn't the first time Justin had his private thoughts layed out in public by Adam, even before he had fully comprehended them himself. Freaking best friend was in his head.

Because of course Adam was right, as always. He really didn't have a problem with Brian fucking other guys. He was the one who had suggested it in the first place. But something about Brian's unstopping need to fuck everything with a tail, not when they were apart but all the goddamn time stung a bit too much.

And not just his pride.

" He's not going to leave you."

" I didn't say he was going to leave me."

" You always think people are going to leave you. It's part of your persona. Just like eating nonstop without gaining a pound and being oblivious to how much people actually love you, when you let them. That's why you always leave before anyone has a chance to leave you."

"Thank you Dr. White. Maybe you can stop with the creepy unfounded psycho session and come up with a plan to sneak into the DotDotDots gig?"

"You know I'm right. It's exactly the reason you continue to feed Jake's obsession with you."

"What are you going on about?" Justin asked irritated.

"You like the thought of someone as easygoing as Jake liking you because it's… well… easy. He doesn't have many expectations, so he won't ever give you up unless you fuck up royally. Plus you don't really want to be with him, so it doesn't even matter if he does leave. The only sad part is he's actually in love with you."

"Jake's not in love with me." Justin didn't know why that was the only part of Adam's crazy theories he objected to. Or at least he didn't dwell on it.

"That's the obliviousness I was talking about…Anyway, what was I saying?" he searched around the street as if he would find the answer there. His eyes stayed averted as he went on. " You totally leave. All the time. When was the last time you stuck out with a relationship for more than a month? One that you both were under the assumption that was indeed a relationship." He added quickly before Justin had time to protest.

"Never." Justin said begrudgingly.

"Never." Adam repeated. "You always dump them."

"You dumped Damian!" Justin snapped, remembering the crushed voice of Adam's old boyfriend as Justin tried to sooth him over the phone. It was a cheap shot.

"Irrelevant. Don't turn this around on me. This is about you. What was the first thing you did when your parents told you they were getting a divorce? That your father was leaving? You left first."

"What, you think I didn't do the right thing?" he was getting mad now.

"I helped you didn't I?" Adam reminded him. It didn't sound like the straight answer Justin was looking for. It would have to do though, coz he was _not_ getting into that.

"But you're still calling me a coward."

"I'm just saying there are some things, some people that are worth fighting over. You're supposed to choose your battles, not ignore them all together."

"That's calling me a coward."

"No, just… listen ok? It's not bad wanting more. If you want Brian to be your lovey hubby, just tell him. You don't have to discard the idea, because _it's so bourgeois_, or whatever it is you're thinking. If you keep ignoring what you want, everything is just going to turn into resentment and it will keep piling up and then you'll have an outburst and everything will just go to shit."

"Are you sure we're still talking about Brian?" Justin asked. Maybe this was the time, finally, when Adam would tell him what was going on, what had caused him to burst out like that earlier.

"Absolutely." Adam said coldly, staring straight ahead. So, maybe not today. "Just… I don't know… Agree on some kind of conditions. Like, never fucking a guy more than once. Stuff like that. Set some ground rules."

"Fuck rules." It came out instinctively, without even having to think about it for a second longer. Adam scoffed. "No, really. Fuck rules. I might… care about him… probably more than I should after less than two months, but that doesn't change anything. I'm not dead. This is just as much for me as it is for him. I still like fucking other guys."

"Guys like Jake."

"Yeah, him too. _We_ are not the norm. There are no set rules for what goes on between us, and I like that. So fuck the rules."

"I guess that is very rock'n'roll of you." Adam half-sighed, half-smirked. "Maybe you're right." They stayed in silence for a long minute, people-watching. "I'm sorry for yelling at you before. It's not my place to tell you what to do with your love life."

"… he said after finishing dictating about my love life yet again." Justin recited as if reading from a book. He smiled though, and settled a bit more comfortably against Adam's side, even though the heat made it clearly _not _comfortable. "Welcome back, psycho."

Adam laughed. "Don't you think we should use that guitar to make more money while we're here?"

"Sure." Justin grabbed the aforementioned instrument. "But please let _me_ do the singing this time." the jab at his ribs hurt a little.

* * *

They had reunited with Brian before heading to the concert site. After unsuccessfully looking around for possible entry points for about ten minutes, they finally came upon a small gathering of suspicious individuals of possible freeloader nature.

Head of the gathering was none other than the kind-eyed boy from earlier back. He was sporting a bright red figure fitting tracksuit with rhinestones he had obviously stitched on at the kneecaps and shoulder pads.

"You _have got_ to be kidding me." Brian looked mortified at the outfit.

"Play nice, they might get us in." Justin murmured and smiled widely at the group. "You're Emmet right? Remember us from earlier?"

"Of course I do!" He smiled back. "We figured you'd be coming. Teddybear was sort of counting on it actually."

"Teddybear?" Brian asked, not masking his snicker too well.

"That would be me." An older looking guy stepped up and offered his hand to all three of them. " But call me Ted please, only my grandma and Emmet here call me that… other… thing…" he seemed reluctant to even repeat the nickname. "Anyway, as I was saying..." he turned to the rest of the group. "Here's the plan. Map please."

Emmet handed him what looked like the drawing of a part-blind 5 year old.

"Ok, so this is the concert site." Ted pointed to a big circle in blue. "There is no way to get in because the fence surrounding it is too high and there are ticket people and guards in all entrances."

"It's like the event of the century for this town." Emmet informed them enthusiastically.

"Except" Ted raised his voice sternly "for this part of the fence. It's pretty short, with a little help from our more height gifted friends" he gestured to Brian and Emmet "we can surely all make it. Problem is, we have to go through the hotel parking lot here" he indicated to a square in yellow "and of course past the hotel itself." He pointed to a smaller black square. "There are only two guards in the parking lot, and they're old and slow. Trust me, I know."

"Trust him, he knows." Emmet commented helpfully .

"If we sprint past them, we'll be fine. We just need a diversion. This is us, behind the bushes" he pointed at the squeegly green on the paper "and the hotel fence. This is where you come in." He turned to a pair of busty girls looking from the sidelines. "And you" he said to Brian "as I'm pretty sure one of the guards is gay. Point is, they're both pervs, so we have this in the bag."

A chorus of "yeah!" and "right on!" echoed from around the group.

"This is really the best day of your life, isn't it Teddybear?" Brian snarked. He had a nark for hating people right off the bat, and unfortunately Ted had effortlessly made the cut.

"Why don't you like him?" Justin whispered.

"He's boring."

"How do you even know? You just met him."

"I just do."

"Hey." Adam called out. Everyone turned to him. "This…" he took the map in his hands "kinda looks like an air balloon if you look at it this way." He turned his head to the side.

"You think? It looks like a flying popcorn machine to me. For, you know, green popcorn." Justin told him.

"Huh. Interesting…" Adam concurred.

" Guys!" Ted gestured wildly. "We need to focus. Or else… we might actually have to… pay for tickets."

Everyone got very serious after that.

As they moved to take their places, Justin caught up with Emmet.

"Hey, thanks for letting us in on the plan. No hard feelings for earlier right?"

"Sure!" He smiled wholeheartedly. "Besides, I'm kind of counting on your freakishly small legs to make you a bait for the guards while I run away from them."

The flirty girls worked like a charm. Them and Brian climbed up the hotel wall first, making goo eyes at the guards( Brian sort of awkwardly standing there, since Ted was apparently mistaken about the sexually ambiguous one) while the rest of the group climbed the wall quietly and unnoticed a few meters away.

A sudden movement from Adam betrayed their position. Adam was the last to climb the wall so, as the guards turned to him the girls and Brian found their opportunity to get off the wall and the rest to just run like fucking hell. The two guards couldn't catch all of them of course. Justin took Adam's hand and shoved him to the front, falling into step behind him.

He felt a tug at his left elbow, and shook it off, not daring to look behind.

"Hey grandpa!" Brian yelled from a few feet in front of him, drawing the guard's attention. "Catch me!" He then started running around in circles, calling the guards random offensive names.

Justin propelled forward, past the hotel and into the final fence. Adam helped him up and then he pulled the other boy up as well, but he didn't jump over. Their two giants who were supposed to serve as human ladders were the only ones missing. He spotted Brian and Emmet, running with two heavily breathing guards long behind them.

He really hoped the poor guards wouldn't have a heart attack or something. Awesome concert or not.

As Brian quickly and easily made his way to and up the fence, Emmet was the only one left. He seemed to be in panic. Justin urged him on. Him and Brian each took one of his hands and pulled him across the fence.

Justin breathed a sigh of relief.

"Now remember. Blend in." Ted told them in a hushed voice.

"Yes baby! I MADE IT!" Adam shouted. They received a few curious looks, but Brian shut him up before he could scream more.

The show should have felt like a let down after the lengths they went to to get in (especially considering the tickets weren't even that expensive) but it wasn't in the least. Adam and Emmet seemed to be in seventh heaven, Emmet dancing to his own beat next to them and Adam falling headfirst into the loud crowd gathered closest to the stage, shoving and jumping on top of each other. Justin could periodically spot an arm or leg of Adam White property, sticking out from the mass. Adam would probably have a few bruises tomorrow, but hey, he was enjoying it. Brian, who had never been big on public gestures of affection, was leaning into Justin and absentmindedly kissing his neck time and time again. Even Ted had loosened up enough to bob his head to the music.

"This band rocks!" Brian screamed into his ear.

* * *

Brian loves the way Justin kisses him. He never even goes for a peck on the lips, like Lisa always used to do. His kisses always last long and are deep and warm and just enough to make that foreign feeling in his stomach spark to life, even though Brian still isn't sure what it is exactly. Here, in a dark corner that they've found to be alone while hundreds of people still surround them. Brian doesn't like making out with a guy in public, but still how can he not, when Justin leans in and takes the smoke right from his mouth, together with his breath and his inhibitions like he always does.

" You know you almost never even let me finish a cigarette right?" He tries to sound scolding but fails, as he pulls away to take another long drag from his cigarette, it's taste so similar but at the same time starkly different from the lingering taste of Justin's lips on his.

"They're mine anyway." Justin says, still close. "You always steal from my pack."

"Fine, I promise to buy my own next time."

"Don't." he hears the answer and almost laughs at how Justin is still staring at his mouth, looking impossibly turned on and concentrated, and wow, Brian never thought he'd like a guy with a weird kink for second-hand smoking. He indulges Justin, touching his forehead lightly on the other boy's, letting the smoke escape past his lips and into Justin's mouth, lips barely touching until Justin moans impossibly low and covers Brian's mouth with his own. Brian remembers he should probably breathe sometime soon if he wants to stay alive, but air never seemed so overrated.

He hears a cough, and feels eyes staring into his back, so he pulls away from the kiss annoyed and turns to look at the newcomer.

"Sorry" Emmet smiles at them "but you should probably see this."

They follow him, and Brian for the first time notices that the concert site is mostly empty now except for the few people who have stayed behind to get the band's autograph, forming a long line.

He still finds Emmet, as a person, a bit unsettling. He'd like to think that someone so outright effeminate like Emmet wouldn't be enough to make him feel awkward any more, but the truth is, Brian Kinney, the jock who appreciated masculine stereotypes more than anything, still resided somewhere in him. Which is ironic in and of itself considering he still has his fingers interlaced with the wonderful creature in dark makeup slowly walking next to him now.

Emmet leads them right to the front of the line, where Adam is engaged in deep conversation with the two band members who are signing autographs, a scruffy looking blond who Brian remembers is the vocalist and a girl in denim and a blue T-shirt, who he thinks is the drummer. They appear to have been talking for a while, as is evident by the exasperated looks the guy waiting in line behind Adam keeps giving them. Brian is mildly impressed. He'd have figured Adam would have literally died of happiness by now, just by talking to them, but he seems to be managing well enough not to make a fool of himself, even though he wears an expression of utter admiration.

"Oh there you are." Adam is grinning so widely his jaw _has_ to be in pain. " Guys, that's River" he points to the girl "and Forrest."

Great, more weird pretentious names, Brian thinks unimpressed, but nods politely anyway.

"Adam told us you have a band of your own." River starts. "Travel… travelling…?"

"Trip." Justin corrects her.

"Right." Forrest says dismissively. "Anyway, Kill told me about you. He says you're pretty good."

" Isn't that great guys?" Adam asks looking way too flattered.

"He said that?" Brian raises an eyebrow at the unexpected praise.

"Yeah. Listen, we have some autographs to sign now, but could you guys stay around ? We can hang out a bit later." Forrest suggests, and Brian thinks Adam might burst with sheer enthusiasm.

"Sure… no problem." Justin is confused but not that less impressed himself.

They shuffle away and Brian has to listen to Adam's and Justin's excited banter for at least half an hour more. Fortunately they don't have to wait much longer than that. They get invited backstage, where they briefly meet the rest of the band, and while Adam is probably pissing his pants by now, things aren't too awkward. They have a relatively good time, just talking with the new guys, who ask a lot of questions about what kind of music Trip plays and if they have a manager etc.

"Here's the thing." Forrest is saying ten minutes later. "As you know, our opening band bailed on us." he informs them annoyed.

"They did?" Adam asks, and Brian shoots him a warning look, because really, telling the tale of how they sneaked in without paying half way through the concert is not a good idea. "I mean, yes, yes we know." Adam nods understandingly.

Forrest looks at him confused, but quickly recovers. "Apparently they ate down at the Stakes and Booze and they got food poisoning." He says dismissively.

Brian is still trying to recover from the unoriginality of the name, but Emmet gasps. "Oh my god! Are they ok? That place is so unsanitary; they have a breakout of explosive diarrhea about once a month." Brian looks at Emmet a little confused as to what he is actually still doing there with them. He briefly wonders where that boring excuse for a human being Ted is, as well, but it's too unimportant to think much about it.

"I guess." Forrest replies. "I think one of them had to have his stomach pumped or something but whatever."

"That's not an excuse." River deadpans.

"Exactly. I can hardly remember the last time we had to perform a whole two hour concert by ourselves." He shares a little laugh with River. "But I guess things are different in this god forsaken town." He adds.

Emmet seems insulted by the blow to his hometown so Brian quickly talks before Emmet can say something they'll all regret. " What exactly do you have in mind?" he asks, because he's starting to get where this conversation is going.

"We have another concert in 2 days. I think even our formidable manager won't be able to find a new opening band on such short notice. So we were thinking, that Trip could fill in. We'll have to hear you guys perform of course first."

"Of course." Brian put a reassuring hand on Justin's knee, because, really, he has this. It is better if they let him do the talking. " I take it we'll have the same payment as your previous opening band?" he says in his most diplomatic way.

"Certainly we can figure something out."Forrest is taken aback. It's obvious he didn't expect any terms whatsoever.

"Good. Well, we'll have to discuss it with the rest of the band first." Brian puts his poker face on. He really hopes Adam or Justin won't say something stupid and ruin his negotiations. Thankfully they don't, even though Adam seems a little panicked when Brian doesn't agree immediately. " And we'll have to see if it fits our own schedule as well, before we can agree on anything."

Brian knows people like the DotDotDots, even if he hasn't read the indie manual, like Adam and Justin apparently have. He knows that in order for them not to get screwed over in terms of payment, and for them to ever have a chance to be considered as an opening band for the rest of the summer and not just a last minute replacement, he'd have to play it smart. They shouldn't realize how desperate Trip would be to perform with them.

" Sure." River looks at him, mildly more impressed now.

"Well, give us a phone or some way we can contact you, and we'll let you know."

* * *

A few minutes later Brian Justin Emmet and a still dazed Adam made their way away from the concert site. Brian was smiling satisfied with himself. The DotDotDots would soon be begging Trip to open for them.

"Your luck is unrealistic." Emmet murmured a little jealous, kissing Justin's cheek. "Surreal." He added, kissing Adam's cheek in goodbye as well. Brian stepped back a little, somewhat afraid he might kiss him as well, but Emmet made no such move. "Anyway" he sighed "you know where to find me." He told Justin, and Brian figured he must have given Justin his number before. "I expect free tickets when you're famous." And with that, he was gone.

Justin put an arm around his waist as they made their way to meet the others. "How did you know what to say? Thank god you took charge, I was completely freaking out."

"I guess it's a talent." Brian gloats and Justin doesn't let him get away with it, playfully punching him in the gut. Brian laughs. "Anyway, I was supposed to get into advertising… before…" he let the statement unfinished. He felt Justin's frame freeze for a few seconds before relaxing into his arms again.

"Before you threw everything out the window and came to find us."

Find _us_was a broad statement. They both knew Brian had left everything behind only to find _Justin._ Still the other boy seemed to know Brian still had trouble acknowledging the fact. He nodded vaguely, and Justin's grip around his waist tightened.

"Maybe you still will one day. Get into advertising."

"I doubt that."

"You could be our manager. Besides" Justin whispered in his ear, as if telling a secret "I think it's very hot when you take charge." He kissed the spot behind his ear that he knew drove Brian absolutely crazy. Brian could feel his humid breath and that weird feeling in his stomach stirred to life again.

"I know." Brian smiled.

" Guys come on." Adam snapped them out of their bubble from his place a few steps ahead of them. "We don't have time for you to fuck in the middle of the street right now. We have to tell the others." he smiled brilliantly. "I am SO excited!"

* * *

Jake and Liam were waiting for them by the car. Apparently Jake had managed to come to some kind of settlement with the mechanic that allowed him to have his precious Baby back. Liam was sitting in the back of the pick up, looking absolutely horrified.

"What's wrong?" Justin asked uneasy, moving to sit next to Liam and put a comforting hand on his back.

" Steaks and Booze. Toilets. Fuck."

"That would translate to: Some people got food poisoning at the place we were working as waiters tonight, Stakes and Booze. Liam had to clean the bathrooms." Jake flinched sympathetically.

"So. Much. Shit." Liam whimpered.

"I'm sorry Liam." Justin continued to comfort him, though Brian noticed he took his hand away immediately. "Do you want to take a bath? I'm sure we can go to Emmet's place."

"Yes please." Liam looked at him like he was the last hope in a cruel, cruel world.

"Before you go…" Jake started. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. As you can see, we got Baby back" he stroked the car lovingly " through a series of really hard negotiation I'm not going to get into right now." He murmured quickly. "Problem is, while I was at the body shop, I called my friend to find out about some arrangements for our next gig…" Brian didn't even try to figure out which one his myriad of friends Jake was talking about. "Turns out, all of our next week's gigs have been canceled."

"That's fantastic!" Adam exclaimed.

" Excuse me? Did you not hear what I just said?" Jake was puzzled.

"I did. But it's awesome!" he rushed to explain because Jake was looking at him like he was demented. " Justin, Brian and I went to the DotDotDots concert right?"

"You went to a concert?" Liam looked up. "While I was battling to breathe, you went to a fucking concert?"

"Yeah, it was great!" Liam glared. "Anyway, while we were there, I got to talk to them and then they invited us backstage and then Brian did some kind of… crazy weird magic manager shit, and now they want us to perform with them in their next concert! Oh, and I think the guys who used to open for them died or something, I wasnt really listening." He added lamely. "But it's cool. We get to open for the DotDotDots!"

"Did you smoke anything funny while you were there?" Jake asked Justin suspiciously.

"No, he's telling the truth." Justin reassured him. "Brian got their phone number, and they want us to go and play for them some time in the next two days. But it's pretty much certain we got the gig."

Jake looked at Brian this time. Brian just nodded, and Jake was finally convinced. "This is amazing." He was obviously still processing it.

"I know!" Adam was literally jumping up and down. He took a step forward and hugged Jake, which quickly turned a little awkward from what Brian could tell, because Adam quickly removed himself from the embrace and came to stand next to Brian. "And it's mostly because of Brian." He smiled up at him. "I really like you now." He informed Brian seriously.

"Um… You too." Brian offered.

Liam finally snapped out of his horror induced state and actually smiled with joy, before hugging Justin, since he was the closest one to him. Justin indulged him for a little while before he respectfully asked him to leave him alone, because Liam still smelled kind of funky.

* * *

"I already took two showers and a bath in those weird bathwater things Emmet has. I'm just afraid I'll never be able to get rid of the fucking smell." Liam whispered, as they waited for Emmet to open the door.

"It's mostly gone by now." Brian assured him. He wouldn't have a repeat of last night, with Justin too busy fretting over Liam's hygiene to spend any quality time, and Brian having to share the car with Adam and Robocop.

The door was opened and Emmet ushered them in. Adam was petting a small white Maltese on the couch and Justin was staring at them with suspiciously wet eyes.

"Is something wrong?" Brian asked, moving swiftly toward him. He refused to analyze the clench in his gut.

"What? No. Everything's fine."

"But..you're crying…"

"Allergic to dogs." Justin said, reaching a hand to stroke the puppy behind the ears even as he admitted it. "But he's irresistible."

Brian snorted, taking a sit next to them. "Does it have a name?" he asked, with a mixture of amusement and annoyance. He could never find a dog irresistible, even a fluffy ball of fur like Emmet's dog was.

"_His_ name is Mars." Emmet responded distastefully.

"Like the god of _war_?" Brian watched on as Justin sneezed slash giggled at the sight of Mars jumping scared by the sound of Brian's second and even more audible snort.

"My father named him that. I wanted to name him Toto, like Dorothy's."

"Who's Dorothy?"

"Who's… you're joking?" Brian's raised eyebrow was evidence to the fact that no, he wasn't. "Wizard of Oz. Judy Garland?"

Brian just kept staring blankly. "Why would you want to name a dog after that musical?"

"Seriously, and you call yourself a gay man?"

"I must have missed the memo on pop culture."

"Clearly." Emmet continued. "I'll give you a lesson on gay icons 101 when I get back. Ted and I are going to a screening of "Lifetime Companion". Couple of years late, but what can you do? The local cinemas were too busy showing kung fu movies."

"I've seen that movie. It's good." Adam commented.

"Don't tell me." Emmet turned to Brian, who was giving his best judging look at Justin for still playing with the dog even though his eyes were watering again. "You've never heard of it."

"Is it another item on the long list the LGTB community will be sending me soon?"

"Bingo. We need to educate this one." He said as if Brian weren't standing _right there_. "next thing I know, you'll be telling me you've never bottomed. Take care of Mars while I'm gone, will you?" Emmet told Adam, and with that he was gone.

Justin at least had the decency to glare at Emmet for Brian's sake, before returning to his fawning over the stupid dog.

Emmet's latest snark had set forth a progression of thoughts in Brian's head that were nothing but unwelcome.

God knew he was no virgin. And he needn't the approval of Honneycut or no other person for that matter to prove he was gay. But, still. Brian knew he didn't have to prove anything to anyone. Not a thing damnit.

Then why was he feeling like he really really should?

For all his plenty escapades- him and Justin were practically going at it at the rate rabbits do, and things could get pretty intense, plus there was the growing number of one night stands that weren't exactly vanilla either- Brian had never actually done _that_. He had never let someone else top.

Sex was just sex in his world anyway. But something about giving up that control kept holding him back.

Since the first time he'd had sex with Justin he'd been thinking about it, long and hard- hard being the key word. And Justin was evidently pretty keen on the idea too. But he had never actually brought it up. And, as time went by, and that particular item stubbornly remained on Brian's bucket list, and Justin _insisted_ on not talking about it, Brian couldn't help but think that if he did initiate it, finally, Justin would take it as a declaration of undying love or something equally upsetting that would have him look at Brian the same way he was eyeing the puppy in his lap right now.

There were other drawbacks too. Concepts and implications his very closeted background had helped nurture, that he couldn't really shake off.

Hanging out with a group like Justin's friends was fun. Liberating even. But a few times Brian felt in over his head.

Had he really been talking the talk and not walking the walk?

His train of thought was interrupted by a lick on his face and an unwelcome addition of five pounds worth of hairy pup in his lap.

"Take it away." He dumped Mars back on Justin's lap.

"But he looooves you." Justin snickered. Mars wiggled his tail excitedly and barked as if in agreement.

"I hate dogs."

"Why am I not surprised?" Justin murmured, while the other two looked at Brian in shock.

"He's just a puppy." Adam commented.

"I especially hate puppies."

"But he's so mutherfucking cuddly." Liam said, stealing Mars from Justin. He proceeded to hold the dog close, its big tongue swiping his cheek and mouth.

"The puppy you're all but frenching right now, was probably licking its balls not two minutes ago." Brian informed him.

"Well, that wouldn't be the first time I had _that_ taste in my mouth." Adam said.

* * *

"This was amazing." Justin said, sighing content.

They were sprawled out on Emmet's parent's bed, passing a cigarrete between the two of them. It must have been the millionth time he had said that, and even though it made him sound like an idiot, each time he said it, it was with renewed awe.

He hadn't expected Brian to come in the room, throw Adam out-none too politely- and lock the door behind him. And he really had not expected Brian to climb on the bed next to him, start kissing him with such ferocity and heatedly whisper in his ear that he wanted Justin to fuck him. And even if he had somewhat hoped for it, he hadn't expected Brian to actually go through with it.

Not that Justin hadn't thought about it a hundred times before. And it wasn't like they hadn't come close to it before, with searching fingers and one particularly memorable instance when mouth and tongue and incredible heat was definitely involved, Brian writhing beneath his touch and letting out sounds that would make a porn star blush. But he had never let things go any further than that, and Justin had been happy to take things slow. For all his bravado and natural talent, Brian was in fact still new to a lot of this. So, Justin had tried to keep that in mind, and respect it, and not do anything that would push Brian too much or have him freak out. Brian being a top was something he had no complaints with either, anyway.

Thus, when Brian was right there, saying and doing all the things Justin had only dared fantasize about, he had held on with all his willpower to that last ounce of self control. He had tried to make sure that Brian was a 100% behind what they were doing, 100% sure of it. But there Brian was, straddling him and kissing him everywhere he could reach, all tantalizing bare skin and dark hungry eyes, hands roaming and teeth biting and saying that he was _doing this with or without Justin damn it_.

In retrospect, he shouldn't have given in so easily. He should have inquired more about this sudden change of heart, because even though Brian had been with a lot more other men by then, too many, Justin was certain he had never ever let anyone else top. It had been so very fulfilling though, experiencing this with Brian and knowing that he was the one to introduce this to him. That Brian had chosen him. And even if there was the slightest margin of doubt in Justin's mind before, now he knew there was no way he could deny he was head over heels in love with Brian.

Which made the current situation all the more unnerving. Because once they were done, sated and sweaty, Brian had started recoiling into himself more and more. He wasn't talking and Justin couldn't shake the terrible clench in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't understand what was going on, and he tried to convince himself that it was just his imagination. It had to be. There was no mistaking what he had felt, what he knew Brian must have felt with him. He had seen it in his eyes, his movements, in the curve of his mouth, half open with ecstasy.

Brian was nonetheless silent. And he was too far away, even in the small bed they shared.

"Is everything ok?" Justin asked finally, when the silence was too much to take.

Brian nodded, letting out a long perfect stream of smoke.

Justin defied all his basic instincts that told him not to, and he leaned in to steal the smoke from Brian's mouth. He didn't immediately pull away, but he didn't linger much, and passed the cigarette on to Justin.

"You know I hate it when you do that."

Justin suppressed the urge to scoff. "Bullshit."

He did however keep to his side of the bed from then on. The silence was back.

"Wasn't… did I do something wrong? Something you didn't like?" And wow, that made him sound like he had no idea what he was doing. Fantastic.

Brian flinched, and it took all of Justin's self restraint not to panic. "Can you shut up about it?"

Justin put the cigarette out on the ashtray and turned to look at Brian, really look at him. Something was definitely off.

"Jesus Christ…" Brian murmured exasperatedly, and jumped up from the bed, slipping into his pants.

"Brian what…"

"Just stop it. Quit fussing about me like you just took my virginity in the back of your car after prom or something ok? I'm fine, it was all fine. You don't have to hold my hand and buy me dinner." He yanked at his socks and fished his left shoe from under the bed.

Justin was lost for words. He kept his gaze fixed on Brian, watched him put on his shoes and search around for his shirt.

"Where are you going?" He asked after a while, because it was 5 o'clock in the morning and he really had no idea what anyone could do at this city, at this hour, anyway. And because he really, really wanted Brian to stay.

"Did I miss the wedding invitation?"

"Huh?" Justin was plain confused by now. Confused and tired, and getting increasingly angrier by the minute. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, that we are not married. And I don't need to ask your permission if I want to go somewhere."

"You're being a dick."

"And you're being clingy."

"Fine." Justin said dryly. He had spied Brian's shirt somewhere amongst the sheets a while ago, and he tossed it in his general direction. Brian put it on and was out the door without so much as a nod.

* * *

Brian had returned the next morning, sleep deprived and considerably calmer, to find Justin glaring at him over coffee and a newspaper, and Emmet and Adam discussing the joys of anal with Liam while eating croissants. Jake was thankfully missing in action for now but still it was not exactly the best way Brian could think of spending his morning.

"So, are you and Daphne considering it?" Adam asked.

"Seriously? I'll be lucky if she puts out over the fucking phone." Liam deadpanned.

Emmet snickered. "So you've never done it?"

"Of course I have."

"But you're straight." Adam said puzzled.

Justin snorted and turned the page.

"Yeah. Girls have those parts too you know." Liam informed him.

"Oh yeah. I keep forgetting about that." Adam commented, and he actually scrunched up his nose. "I was actually thinking the other way around."

"No."

"Not even like… a finger?" Adam said.

Justin was rolling his eyes somewhere in the background.

"I don't know if I'd like that…"

"Oh, you'd like it." Adam said, giving a meaningful look around.

"This is not what I enjoy listening to first thing in the morning guys." Justin murmured, eyes locked on his newspaper still.

"When did you turn into such a prude?" Adam asked, and Emmet and Liam laughed. "Anyway, why wouldn't want to experience all the things your body can offer you? It can be therapeutic."

Brian chocked a little into his coffee.

"What? Am I making you uncomfortable too?" Adam told him sarcastically.

"No, by all means please go on. "Sexual healing" and all that. Liam can learn a thing or two from an experienced man like you. You clearly know what you're talking about." Brian teased.

"As if you don't know right?" Emmet smirked.

"What?" Brian didn't know if he should be embarrassed by the implication, or embarrassed for being embarrassed in the first place.

"Well, when I came home last night, you sounded very experienced yourself." He went on to act out what looked like the café scene from When Harry met Sally, for several long minutes. " Like that! No, slower. No faster. There. More! You know, you really should let a guy work Brian. Justin might get performance anxiety with all that guidance."

"A-huh." Brian said, among the chorus of laughter- and Justin's very pointedly unexpressive stare. "And how many guys have you slept with in the last month?"

Emmet's laughter was cut short.

"Hmm. That's what I thought. So… in the end, _I'm_ still getting laid, and _you're _here talking about it over breakfast." He shrugged.

"Fine." Emmet said begrudgingly. "Just don't act like we're so beneath you."

Justin shut the paper closed with a loud thud. "Really, people? Really? First off, Em, it's not a contest. And it's not a hardship either. So, why are you trying to prove a point, using what _we_ do in bed, privately, which is none of your business by the way, especially when there is no point to be made? And you." He turned to Brian. "How many guys have you slept with in the last month?" he mimicked Brian's voice, sounding more like one of those guys that voice over dramatic movie trailers. "Who freaking cares? Is that a purpose in life I was not aware of? Do you have a fuck list?" He folded the newspaper and put it under his arm. "I'm tired of listening to this conversation. When you have something more important to discuss, come fetch me." And with that he retreated into the master bedroom.

"Jeez, what got up his ass?" Adam looked on at the closed door.

"It's probably what should be getting up his ass." Emmet murmured.

"Guys." Liam interrupted. "Um… I'm still thinking about what you said earlier, and I can't make up my mind and you're not helping."

* * *

The gentle fingertips were combing through his hair, soft and slow, and he was enveloped in a warm embrace, head resting on Brian's lap. His eyes were closed, and he was listening to Bowie on the radio. His shirt had been tossed aside at some point, and the fingers sometimes travelled down towards his neck, brushing by his pulse point, over his heart, down to his chest, but not any lower. Brian must have known that he was still slightly irritated.

And sure enough Brian should be thanking Bowie, the lazy summer afternoon, and his very own warm, warm skin that Justin was not throwing things at him again.

"The blond is showing through." Brian said, brushing a strand of hair from Justin's face. "You'll have to dye it soon."

Justin murmured something that sounded like agreement. He was too tired to open his eyes. "I'm actually thinking of cutting it all off and letting it grow back. It's too much trouble, plus I'm kinda bored with the black anyways."

"That'd be hot."

"The buzzcut or the blond?"

"Both." Came the answer a while later. It seemed like Brian had forgotten what they were talking about. The hands were making their way south now, lingering on his stomach. Justin smiled a little. He didn't know whether Brian was trying too much to get on his good side, or just didn't bother to listen closely enough.

He decided to test that theory.

" Or maybe I could keep the black and do pink tips or something… or maybe electric blue."

"Hmmm… Could be good…" Brian's tone was smooth and appeasing, his left palm finally slipping past Justin's waistband to draw little circles on his hipbone with his thumb.

"Wow." Justin's smile grew bigger. "You must really want to fuck me right now if you're agreeing to _pink._"

"Never was a bigger truth spoken."

Justin kept his eyes closed. "Prove it."

He felt soft lips brush against his, but it was over way too soon for his liking.

He finally looked up at Brian pointedly. "What? You expect me to drop to my knees now?" He met Brian's arched eyebrow with one of his own. "You'll have to do a lot better than that."

Brian leaned down again, kissing softly around the corners of his mouth, dragging lips across his jaw line, his cheek, his ear and back again, kissing sweetly, biting softly on Justin's bottom lip, until he had no choice but to obediently open his lips and let Brian in. When Brian's tongue brushed on the roof of his mouth, he felt his knees weaken.

Brian pulled back, looking like he had made the best point in the history of points to be made.

"Still not convinced."

The smug was wiped straight off Brian's face. It was replaced with a determination, a sort of dangerous concentration that made goose bumps crawl in the back of Justin's neck.

Suddenly Brian's mouth was on his again, but this time it was the exact opposite of sweet and soft. The tongue meeting his own was needy, demanding dominance, which Justin gladly gave. The hand that had previously been making those damn infuriatingly slow circles dove lower, past underwear that were becoming increasingly tight and uncomfortable. Brian was on top of him, his other hand not idly playing with his hair anymore but groping, driving his head forward and upward, Brian's hips pressing forward, and it seemed like Brian couldn't decide between which delicious friction he should be giving first, but Justin didn't care because everything felt _so good_. He was alarmingly aware of the fact that Brian was still completely clothed and he set out to amend the situation, pulling Brian's shirt upward because he desperately needed more skin to be touching his, and he was actually so mad at the damn shirt he wanted to set the fucking thing on fire. Brian grabbed his wrists and pinned them to his sides, and fuck _no_, those hands should be touching elsewhere for fucks sake. Justin forgot everything about that though when Brian started rolling his hips and kissed him even deeper, until everything was heat and passion and incredible closeness. He felt his wrists being released after a while and he was surprised to know he actually regretted not having them captive. When Brian pulled back this time Justin was certain he heard a desperate whimper and it took him a second to realize it had come from him.

"Fine." He admitted begrudgingly. "You make a good case. Now come back here." He pulled Brian's mouth back on his as soon as the words were out.

He had managed to pull Brian's fly open(which in his state was a remarkable feat) and they were just getting to the good stuff when the door flew open.

"Don't mind me I'll only be a minute." Emmet said without a second glance and moved to the closet. Mars followed him inside and started jumping excitedly, trying to get on the bed. Brian rolled off him and Justin tried his best to make himself presentable enough.

"We were in the middle of something." Brian glared at Emmet who was still going through the closet.

"You can fuck later." Emmet said with a dismissive hand. "Here it is!" He carried a big box covered with sparkly stickers away from the closet.

"What is that?" Justin's curiosity took the best of him.

"It's my mother's tiara collection. Well, basically it's _my_ tiara collection, but I let her think it's hers so she won't freak out about it." Emmet moved to the bed to sit next to Justin. Brian groaned and buried his face in the pillow. "Liam wanted to see it."

"He did?" Justin pulled Mars on the bed and started rubbing behind his ears, but the puppy quickly moved over to Brian, tail dancing, to try and lick his face.

"Yep. I finally managed to convince him to let me pluck out his eyebrows. Nothing much." Emmet misinterpreted Brian's indignant look. "But _god_, that unibrow was giving me a migraine. Anyway, after that he started going through my make up and now he wants to play runway model."

"Hence the tiaras?" Justin asked amused.

"Exactly. He doesn't really grasp the difference between pageants and modeling –which is about 11 pounds- but yeah, whatever makes him happy. Plus I think he's a little drunk. He kept asking Ted if Michael Jackson could do opera."

"That's no proof. He'd ask that sober." Justin pointed out.

"You know…" Emmet looked at Brian closely "you could use a little sculpting yourself. Just a little bit here and" he tried to touch Brian's face but Brian smacked his hand away, not too lightly.

"I'm not your freaking Barbie doll. Go back to Liam."

"Kindly tell your boyfriend to calm his tits" Emmet told Justin pointedly.

"Brian…" Justin started, but Brian was getting inexplicably angrier by the second under Emmet's scrutiny.

"And get your stupid dog with you." Brian tossed Mars on Emmet's lap. The puppy let out a surprised yelp.

Emmet was giving him a menacing glare. "I'm going to leave now, before you manage to get me any more pissed off and I have to knock you out. Which we both now I could easily do, if I didn't care about messing up my hair." He said, standing up, and Justin had never known how a few inches of height difference and a pissed out Southern could be so effectively formidable.

"You mean it could actually look worse?" Brian spat back.

With one last look of superiority, Emmet was gone.

Leaving Justin shocked. Brian got up and slammed the door closed.

"What the hell was that?"

"What?" Brian turned around, fuming. "I'm tired of fucking Emmet and his fucking ridiculous outfits and his fucking lapdog…"

"You're acting crazy."

"I'm being perfectly sane."

"Brian you're getting mad at a _dog._"

Brian murmured something incomprehensible and started putting on his shoes.

"You're not going anywhere until you tell me why you've been acting like a complete douche bag these last couple of days."

"And here I thought only girls threaten you into talking about feelings and crap."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Justin could feel his eyebrow arching defiantly out of its own accord.

Brian didn't comment.

"What is your problem with Emmet? Granted I didn't like him much either at first, and neither did he. But he's been unbelievably cool ever since. He gave us a place to stay, food, he's discreet.. Not to mention the two of us have practically taken over his parents' bedroom." And at that point Justin thanked his lucky stars again that the Honeycuts were out of town.

"I just don't like him! I don't like the way he talks, the way he dressed. He's too…" Brian at least had the decency to shut up before he said anything that would have Justin up in arms in no time.

"Flamboyant?"

Brian snorted. "That's one way of putting it."

"And how is it any of your business what he looks like?"

"It's not. And I wouldn't care if he didn't keep giving me these weird looks like he'll try to force a make over on me while I'm sleeping."

"Wow, if you think Emmet is too much, you'll be in one hell of a surprise when we go to Pride next year." Justin murmured.

"I would never go to that freakshow just to watch a bunch of homos with feathered hats shake their ass."

"Homos?" Justin laughed. "Why? What are _you_?"

"Just because I fuck guys doesn't mean I'm going to strut around in gold shorts or start listening to Barbra."

"I'm not down with that either. But Pride is… it's just a way of building a community. It's a big "fuck you" to the world. I thought you of all people would understand that."

"Well I don't." Brian sat down on the bed again, and lighted a cigarette. He wasn't looking at him but Justin could appreciate that at least he hadn't just left like last time.

Last time…

Was that why…?

"It's like every time he walks through the door I am reminded of how Hobbs and the guys used to make fun of…" he didn't finish his sentence.

"Of who?" Justin knew of course. Adam. Himself.

"The people on TV. At school."

"So you and your buddies used to make moronic remarks about fags. So what?"

"No, I never said _I _did." He let out a long breath. "Or maybe I did. I don't know. I'm not that person anymore. I just don't get why a guy would want to be like that. Talk all animatedly and wear makeup. And I don't understand why I'm expected to act that way too just because Emmet and I share an interest in cock."

"Who says you're expected to act a certain way? Do all heterosexuals act the same way?"

"I'm starting to think they do." Justin almost smiled in spite of himself. He had forgotten what a heterophob Brian had been turning to.

"They don't." Justin had to gather a lot of courage to go on. "Is that why you were that way the other day? Why you were so afraid to…" he bit his lip. He had to know. "not be the top?"

"I wasn't afraid." Brian snorted. "And it's not that big a deal. I just… I didn't know what it would mean. For me."

"What do you think it means?"

" I don't know what it means! It's just… ok… there are certain standards that come with this type of situation. Things that people say."

It was a rare occurrence when Brian would look so lost. When he wouldn't ooze confidence. "What kind of things?"

"You know.. And they have a point too don't they? It's different. Once you're taking it instead of giving it you're kind of the girl in the relationship aren't you?" Brian let out what suspiciously sounded like laughter at Justin's deadpan look. "Fuck. It sounds dumb in my own ears. I can't believe I just said that out loud." He seemed bitter now, and desperate to say anything that would lighten the mood and erase his words.

"And does that make me the girl in this hypothetical situation?" Justin asked, but he wasn't mean about it. He could feel Brian's need to escape this gloominess between them.

"You're hardly a girl." Brian looked him up and down. "I wouldn't want you if you were one. Plus you sort of have me whipped, if we're realistic."

"Good to know." He paused not knowing how to go about this. "Is that the only reason why?" he asked after a while. "Is it the only reason you didn't want to… share… that with me?"

"I guess…"

"I don't think it is. I think you felt you would be more… vulnerable that way. Cause I know that you always have to be in control. Be on top about everything." Justin dared. "And I like that about you, don't get me wrong. So… am I right? Is that how you felt?"

The answer didn't come until a lot later, until after Justin's cigarette had gone out and he had started feeling awkward and like he'd said way too much. " It was. It still is"

"I understand that. But being… exposed like that, it doesn't make you weak. On the contrary. And not only because you are the world's bossiest bottom." He added with a grin that Brian responded to immediately. "But because I _always _feel that way around you. Especially last night. You never had so much power over me like you did then."

He couldn't meet Brian in the eye after that.

And that was when Justin was reminded why he didn't care that Brian was an actions-over-words kind of person. Because he might not know what to say half the time, but he always knew exactly what to do. And the arms bringing him in, the confident mouth kissing him hard, the steady hand on his cheek and the heavy petting was exactly what Justin needed when he knew he had shared more than he was comfortable with.

Brian finally released him and Justin had to take a moment to recollect his thoughts. There were still too many things bothering him, things that needed to be said, even if Brian wasn't one for talking.

He tried to think what the others would say. Daphne would be insulted and shocked. She'd quote Simone de Beauvoir (which she did increasingly lately, after she found out she had been accepted to study Sociology) and she'd probably go on to say how this whole conversation had a very strong misogynistic undertone. She'd explain how make up has been a tool used by both women and men globally and along the centuries. She'd venture into the world of stereotyping in human relationships and she'd use big words like heteronormativity to describe the crap that people had been feeding into Brian's head for years.

Adam would probably bring up glam rock and how his dad was wearing 10 inch heeled boots when he met Adam's mother in the 70's and a whole lot more make up than her.

Jake would say that Brian needed to grow up.

Liam would say that all he knew was that Emmet was cool. And that he smelled nice. And his tiaras were kind of pretty. He'd also say that Brian should just do whatever the fuck turns him on.

There would probably be a lot more cursing involved though.

Justin had never thought he'd listen to the opinions of imaginary Liam, but he was probably the only one that would get through to Brian.

" Lets get things straight. Emmet is awesome. He owns who he is and he likes himself. That should be enough for you, and it should be enough for everyone. He has bigger balls than all of your "friends". And I'll make him swear he won't touch your eyebrows."

Brian huffed a laugh. Justin knew Brian enough to know that the inch he had given to share some part of himself was, in his mind, the same as a mile for other people. He was at his most vulnerable. And though Justin thought it was probably very unkind to take advantage of that unexpected situation, he had to make Brian understand. Even if Brian never did, completely. At least he will have given Brian food for thought.

"I've seen enough people in the closet, pretending they are happy breeders, to know what it does to a person. How it makes him or her spiteful and bitter and incomplete and how everyone ends up getting hurt. So if Emmet's flame burns a bit too bright- which it doesn't, trust me- I'd rather have that. I'd rather have a thousand Emmets than one asshole who's being macho just to prove a lie."

And Brian thankfully seemed to understand that.

"I should tell you you should apologize to him, but I'm sure you know that already. I trust you'll do the right thing." And there it was. They both knew Justin was being manipulative and what he meant to say was _you'll apologize whether you want to or not because you know you were an asshole to him. _

He took that perfect execution of guilt trips from his mother.

" Completely whipped." Brian commented, but his smile was genuine.

"Now…. About that other thing..." Justin got up and stood in the middle of the bed. He discarded the last of his clothing in what he hoped was more graceful than awkward, but probably wasn't. He stood, hands outstretched looking Brian straight in the eye.

"What are you doing?"

"Making a point."

"It's fine by me." Brian grinned and Justin cursed his damn charm that always made him forget what he was trying to say.

What _was _he trying to say? Oh right.

"We've established that I'm a man right?"

Brian's eyes traveled south to the clear evidence that Emmet barging in, as well as an equally frustrating and emotionally draining conversation was not enough to calm Justin's erection or his raging hormones.

The way Brian's eyes burned on his skin as they made their way slowly back to his face and the way his voice lowered when he stated "Obviously" only seemed to make things worse.

"And you want _me_."

Brian seemed to think he was being cocky. In lack of a better word. He also seemed to be enjoying it.

"And you never would have thought that would be the case, say, about a year ago."

"I fail to see how you stating more obvious facts constitutes making a point…" Brian said, getting up on the bed as well and standing in front of him. Justin prayed to whatever deity he could think of that the bed wouldn't give out and ruin his big moment.

"My point is, this, us, right here, is nothing like what people expect. And all the things and the silly rules people are telling us about...None of it applies anymore."

* * *

A/N: title is from "Rebel", David Bowie.

thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


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